Why make a plan?

Today is one of those days I'm not sure why I try and make a plan. I am not a camper. I never went camping as a kid that I can ever remember. I slept on in a tent at girls camp and in our back yard. This is not an activity that comes 2nd nature to me. I've tried to make this a possible way for our family to enjoy some time away from the everyday. I have remade a popup trailer to the best level of comfort and fun as I could do. 

This year we haven't been out camping once. Not one time in the 4 months of limited camping season that is coming to an end. I have tried and tried to make it happen, but I cannot and will not do it all. I have put DJ in charge and he either never decides where or when to go. This week I have triend to prepare and habe DJ come up with a plan. Today I went and hooked up the trailer myself. I shopped for the needed items. I packed the necessities. Made the kids a packing list. Did everything I could do besides loading up the bikes. 

DJ got home at 7:10 and it is now 11:05. I took him 2+ hours to get the 5 bikes torn apart and on the rack with the trailer. Had to take all the tires off and it still rubs when turning tight. He forgot to bring ice home and now has to extend the electrical so we can have lights.

It's just one of those things that I'm not sure what to do with. The boys had school. Poppy had her long awaited Dr. appt. Hazel had cheer. Poppy was babysitting and here I am. In my bed, when I had hoped to be by a fire or wathing a movie outside.

Its fine, but still dissapointing. Not sure how to deal with things when they happen like this -which seems all too often the case. Guess I'll just keep trying and hope to get out there tomorrow.

 

Am I ever going to get ahead?

 August 29, 2023

It's been another long summer at The Peak. Not a good one and people have again left - unhappy with me and I am tired. I try to get in good head and heart space and it just seems that its really hard to stay there. Right now it feels futile. That I will never get ahead in life. That things will never work out as I would like. I will never have an easier and more fulfilling life. I'll never have the time to do the things I really want to do. It seems impossible to have enough money to live comfortably or without worry. Passive income is a dream and I'm living in a daily nightmare.

I don't want to talk or meet with friends. I don't want to return phone calls. I want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. Church is hard. Primary is hard. My marriage is back and forth. The kids are always fighting or mad at me. I'm failing at all the things I'm striving to succeed at. I can't loose weight. I find no joy in exercise. I'm tired. I'm just so very alone in my head and my heart is grey and cold. ''

I want so much. I want peace. I want joy. I want contentement...... all seem constatnyl out of reach. I keep trying to make the next right step and even falter there. I do keep walking, but thinking about trudging thisese paths for another 40 years makes me want to end things now. The path looks just deeper, and more warn as I look ahead. If this is my path, my chosen road, a result of my covenants then I have lots of questions amd I am also afraid of the answers. I don't know that I can happily continue on this path. 

The energy doesn't come easy or fast enought and I am no longer sustained by it's fleeting moments. What to do. What to do. Guess that really is the question.