August 29, 2023
It's been another long summer at The Peak. Not a good one and people have again left - unhappy with me and I am tired. I try to get in good head and heart space and it just seems that its really hard to stay there. Right now it feels futile. That I will never get ahead in life. That things will never work out as I would like. I will never have an easier and more fulfilling life. I'll never have the time to do the things I really want to do. It seems impossible to have enough money to live comfortably or without worry. Passive income is a dream and I'm living in a daily nightmare.
I don't want to talk or meet with friends. I don't want to return phone calls. I want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. Church is hard. Primary is hard. My marriage is back and forth. The kids are always fighting or mad at me. I'm failing at all the things I'm striving to succeed at. I can't loose weight. I find no joy in exercise. I'm tired. I'm just so very alone in my head and my heart is grey and cold. ''
I want so much. I want peace. I want joy. I want contentement...... all seem constatnyl out of reach. I keep trying to make the next right step and even falter there. I do keep walking, but thinking about trudging thisese paths for another 40 years makes me want to end things now. The path looks just deeper, and more warn as I look ahead. If this is my path, my chosen road, a result of my covenants then I have lots of questions amd I am also afraid of the answers. I don't know that I can happily continue on this path.
The energy doesn't come easy or fast enought and I am no longer sustained by it's fleeting moments. What to do. What to do. Guess that really is the question.
