I have been thinking a lot lately about the filters in our lives. Things from my childhood days seem more crisp, clear, and connected. Now it seems as though I am constantly looking through filters. Sometimes it's filters over filters, over filter. It's hard to even know what the real picture looked like in the beginning.
For example I just accidentally bought a photo app that has 200 different filters you can choose from and you can even LAYER multiple filters. Now who has the time or energy to actually do this kind of silly work? I remember telling DJ when we were first married that I was glad he had bad eye sight so when he would see me in the bedroom I would be in soft focus. It always got a good laugh and was a humorous antidote, but as of now I am so DAMN sick of not seeing reality. I am tired of digging through people's per ma-filters to find out the real problem. To find out they are NOT who they said they are. To discover they have no loyalty. To feel their superiority. I am tired of filtered messages from the media, and those with power and money. I'm tired of 1/2 truths. I'm sick of apps to make you thinner, teeth whiter, and lashes longer. I am seeking for honesty in a dishonest world and it killing all of us from the inside out.
Today I sat in a Community Council meeting to discuss that there will be a special meeting about new lock-down procedures due to the recent Florida school shooting. I could not hold back the emotions as we calmly sat and talked about breaking windows to get kids safe. To running out the back doors. To secretly keeping gates open to access the golf course. The filters have dimmed the absurdity of the situation. We are talking about children and having to think about how to save them from guns that shoot 7 rounds in a single second. Mass chaos to divert a shooter will have no bearing on the number of casualties. It's the best we can do. LITERALLY it is the best we could come up with for the IN CASE. Instead of a plan to stop in case we plan on how to react when/if/God forbid it happens. Like God has anything to do with this insanity. Don't think he made/sold/used the gun but by all mean lets keep praying for safety and see how much good it does. They have literally turned prayer into a filter. AS if it has the power to siv out the evil.
So reality check is this. What filters am I living behind? Guilt - Shame - Depression - Self Loathing - Jealousy - Unfairness... I mean the list can go on and on. It's a boring, never ending list with no solutions, but in all reality.... THE REAL takes it all away, or at the very least it makes a place for those filters to land besides me. I am longing to see the real me again. I am hoping to be brave enough and kind enough to see her and love her as she is. I pray we will all like her and give her a little wiggle room to feel and make mistakes.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Monday, February 19, 2018
Words.. Words... Words...
Here I am 2 years late. None the wiser. Non the richer. Still seeking to fill the emptiness. Grasping for the edge to simply hang on and wondering what I'm hanging on for.
Words are my solitude. I think about words. The best words for any situation. The words to heal. The words to fill. The words to help. They are so often elusive. I wonder if this is because I have let my reading go. I valued my reading time. It helped me become the mind I am today. For the last 10 years my reading has become listening, and by listening I have discovered AGAIN the permeable power of words. So much so that I carefully craft, when possible, with these amazing items used so often without thought.
Today's word reveal was MISTAKE. The big kids are skiing with DJ on this President's Day and I was getting Poppy ready and thought her sweater was on backwards, her pants had been on backwards earlier in the morning. She promptly turned it around only to discover that it had been on correctly the first go. Now Poppy has an uncanny ability to constantly get her clothes on backwards. Its a gift of hers that I though would remedy itself by now, but at 7 - almost 8 years old she still has a knack for the backwards.
Knowing that Poppy takes everything personally, and very internally I promptly told her I was sorry. That was my fault. I had assumed/thought there were pockets in this hoodie and that is why I thought it needed turning around. She was listening - looking - trying not to feel bad and I knew it. I knew I had something right then for her and me.
"Actually, Poppy I take that back. It's not my fault. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to do anything wrong, it wasn't wrong it was just a make."
"Ya. It was just something that happened - like an accident,"- added Poppy.
She got it. I got it. There was no malice in me asking her to turn her shirt around. I was trying to help. Mistakes just happen. There are part of life. Let's not make ourselves all about our mistakes that were made out of the desire to help another. Poppy will struggle with this. She absorbs so much of this life inside and has the hardest time letting it pass through her.
Last week simply was horrible. I keep doing my best -especially at work, and none of it worked out. Not only that, it all happened via email, indirectly, and through 3rd party sources. ALL OF WHICH I DESPISE! When interference happens, even with good intentions, there is little that get my back up worse. People defense of another, when the other refuses to participate in the discussion is simply maddening. Me feeling like I have no choice to take these responsibilities on and then be censured for doing so are soul crushing.
I am full of Shame, Self-Doubt, Self Loathing, and enough disgust to share with those around me. I feel such anger, lack of fairness of life, and frustration with everyone around me that it is hard to be around me I'm sure. I have the deepest sense that all of these feeling will only resolve with me believing in and feeling a sense of self-love, but these faults are weighing me down. The inability come out from under them are making it hard to move.
Last week all I wanted to do was sleep. I know this is my minds way of coping. I just want to shut it all off. This also compounds the problem of needing to show and give self-care. Didn't work out, didn't read, didn't meditate... didn't do anything for myself. I did continue to cook, clean, work, pickup and everything that had to be done. I gave up on myself. I gave into the dark, which made me feel more shame, and disappointment. I am feeling only fault, and lack. I am hoping to find my way to fleeting mistakes and the ability to move on and leave them in the past and out of my mind.
Words are my solitude. I think about words. The best words for any situation. The words to heal. The words to fill. The words to help. They are so often elusive. I wonder if this is because I have let my reading go. I valued my reading time. It helped me become the mind I am today. For the last 10 years my reading has become listening, and by listening I have discovered AGAIN the permeable power of words. So much so that I carefully craft, when possible, with these amazing items used so often without thought.
Today's word reveal was MISTAKE. The big kids are skiing with DJ on this President's Day and I was getting Poppy ready and thought her sweater was on backwards, her pants had been on backwards earlier in the morning. She promptly turned it around only to discover that it had been on correctly the first go. Now Poppy has an uncanny ability to constantly get her clothes on backwards. Its a gift of hers that I though would remedy itself by now, but at 7 - almost 8 years old she still has a knack for the backwards.
Knowing that Poppy takes everything personally, and very internally I promptly told her I was sorry. That was my fault. I had assumed/thought there were pockets in this hoodie and that is why I thought it needed turning around. She was listening - looking - trying not to feel bad and I knew it. I knew I had something right then for her and me.
"Actually, Poppy I take that back. It's not my fault. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to do anything wrong, it wasn't wrong it was just a make."
"Ya. It was just something that happened - like an accident,"- added Poppy.
She got it. I got it. There was no malice in me asking her to turn her shirt around. I was trying to help. Mistakes just happen. There are part of life. Let's not make ourselves all about our mistakes that were made out of the desire to help another. Poppy will struggle with this. She absorbs so much of this life inside and has the hardest time letting it pass through her.
Last week simply was horrible. I keep doing my best -especially at work, and none of it worked out. Not only that, it all happened via email, indirectly, and through 3rd party sources. ALL OF WHICH I DESPISE! When interference happens, even with good intentions, there is little that get my back up worse. People defense of another, when the other refuses to participate in the discussion is simply maddening. Me feeling like I have no choice to take these responsibilities on and then be censured for doing so are soul crushing.
I am full of Shame, Self-Doubt, Self Loathing, and enough disgust to share with those around me. I feel such anger, lack of fairness of life, and frustration with everyone around me that it is hard to be around me I'm sure. I have the deepest sense that all of these feeling will only resolve with me believing in and feeling a sense of self-love, but these faults are weighing me down. The inability come out from under them are making it hard to move.
Last week all I wanted to do was sleep. I know this is my minds way of coping. I just want to shut it all off. This also compounds the problem of needing to show and give self-care. Didn't work out, didn't read, didn't meditate... didn't do anything for myself. I did continue to cook, clean, work, pickup and everything that had to be done. I gave up on myself. I gave into the dark, which made me feel more shame, and disappointment. I am feeling only fault, and lack. I am hoping to find my way to fleeting mistakes and the ability to move on and leave them in the past and out of my mind.
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