6 Days and Defeat

Who knew that in 6 days I would go from intense anger to intense defeat. Six days, that's all it took to take me to my knees. Six days and one word, Coronovirus.

Wednesday - March 11th
The buzz around the new virus is getting intense. The Mag 7 are talking about back East cloures. The Church cancels general conference except for online viewing. Also no more leadership meetings and stake meetings. I tell Mardi with Disneyland closes and they cancel Sacrament meeting I'll get worried. Hand sanitizing stations out with posters asking everyone to sanitize before and after classes.

Thursday - March 12th
9:00 am we get a call from a student who think they might have had contact with someone who was contagious. I start calling the health dept. and composing a letter saying we were staying open and taking precautionary measures. False alarm.  Signs up to remind calm, and to ask people to wait outside instead of in the lobby to avoid germs. It gets real - I purchase 3 week sprayer and look up correct solution of how to mix disinfectant solution. The spray down begins at 7:30 pm. I go back in at 10:30 pm to compose a letter to staff asking them to submit their needed pay to get through the next 2 weeks of limited classes.

Friday- March 13th
Email directors asking them to prep for filming of viritual classes for the next 2 weeks. More emails about employees, teams, spray down of everything including carpet, rugs, desks handles. Preschool room #3 & #4 closed and sanitized. Locked until further notice. Homrooms disinfected and locked until further notice. Mardi gets a tip that governor will cancel schools at 4:00 pm. I head down and revise the above letter implementing a 2 week class suspension. All classes canceled starting Monday except for teams. Voice mail change asking people to email and not call or leave messages. I ask DarLa to monitor Social Media. I ask Ashley to monitor email. I leave at 6:30 grab the girls and go to the show Throughly Modern Millie.

Saturday - March 14th
We start the morning cleaning The Peak. Continue the spray down. I get text after text from staff trying to understand their assignment. I send videos of examples. We are scheduled to film Sunday starting at 4:00 pm. The church cancels all Sacrament meetings. Disneyland and Disneyworld are closing until April. Some of the Mag 7 choosing to stay open. I start working on email formatting. Sick sick sick but eating to fill the pit. Call for even greater social distancing called upon.

Sunday - March 15th
I go for a run. It is is the hardest 3.1 I have ever done. Looking for an outlet and release and still not getting any relief. We walk and talk as a family and the kids don't seem to get how much their behavior is sucking the last bit of life out of me. We come home to sacrament meeting in our home, followed by scripture study and still constant interruptions and texts. 4 o;clock is going to come very quickly and it does. Preschool, Jr gym, Cheer, Gymnastics, Urban Gym, Tumbling, Aerial Silk - all filmed. So much editing to do. Get home at 8:00 and I can't even face it. DJ rubs my feet and we watch Sherlock. I get a message from a team mom questioning whether we should hold practice or not. Sick again. Can't sleep. Want to sleep. Want to escape. Go to sleep at 10:30pm

Monday - March 16th - Today
I wake up at 4:30am and start editing. Still sick to my stomach. I work until 7:30 and sleep for 30 minutes until 8:00. Get up and get ready to go. Poppy and Gable are awake. DJ goes to work. I go to work at 8:40. Continue editing and working on getting them uploaded and challenge calendars loaded. DarLa and Ashley arrive and start working through emails and messages. We credit back 2 team comps. Working on figuring out all the rest. Mardi texts asking for a call. She explains that new restrictions limit over 50. All dine in restaurants to close by weeks end. They are expecting a 8 week closure which means we close until June. What to do. Layoff or furlough is best for employees. What can we afford. Who can we take care of .  D E F E A T  sinks in. It's done. The fight is over before it really began. I couldn't keep up or catch up. It's over and I'm writing a letter to tell my 40 employees that there is no more until June and even then I am praying that we can make ends meet.

Gone are my kitchen remodel plans. Gone is the $400 cleaning money. Gone is the Las Vegas trip at Spring Break. Gone is the day to day life of fun and classes and enjoyment. Now comes a new reality of I'm not sure what. No visits to Gr. & Gr. No friends at the park. No for my kids getting love and validation from their teachers and coaches. No more dance solos or recitals. Nothing to show for the months of hard work for the girls. The years of hard work of mine at The Peak. It's all gone.

I'm not saying it can't/won't be done. I'm not saying it can't be great. I'm saying right now I have no interest in either. I have no joy for the change. I have no desire for the change. I'm defeated. I am sad. I am angry, so tired and disappointed that all the effort was in vain. Too tired to feel. Too much of too much to breath.

Shaking With Anger

I have never been this mad in a very long time. All-Star Cheer manager just emailed me 3 x about private lessons and how she doesn't want to follow Peak Policy about scheduling through the front desk. How that is a bad use of her time, not fair to her girls, and not conscious of her time.

Literally shaking inside. So so mad. If there is anything I am good it it is use of time. If there is one thing that I have consistently done it is to listen to her concerns.

I replied back that it was unfortunate that her choice not to continue lessons will hurt the girls. She replied back that she is sad I show no concern for her and that she will make it known to Peak Parents that she is not doing lessons because of our policy. RESPECT is dead!

Why does this one person make things so hard for me. I have come in on Fridays. I have sat and listened to her. I just bought her $230 worth of Velcro that helps no other program but I never listen. Makes perfect sense right!

Why oh why do I even try. Sadly this has tainted the whole Cheer sport for me. If I hear anything more about it - It will be too soon.

Lindsey and I just spoke to about making her a sub contractor and while I think initially it is a great idea I don't think it would solve the problems of her attitude.

What to do... Move on obviously, but still hard.

Are you kiddin me?

One word - Cornoravirus - or whatever you are or how ever you are spelled... this is getting a bit ridiculous. I might end up eating my word when we all get sick and die of it, but this is getting crazy. There is nothing on the shelves. You would think it was the apocalypse but it's just a different type of flu.

A liter of hand sanitizer is going for $200!!! There is no children's pain relievers on the shelves and toilet paper is in high demand. Let's hope a new shipment comes in by Saturday when we go to sams.

This makes me think of the damage that a 24 hr news cycle can do along with misinformation being spread rampantly through social media channels.

Perhaps this is also why I don't try and keep a 72 hour kit. I truly don't want to live through the first 72 hours after a disaster. Hope I die and get it done with. Can't imagine the complaining no matter WHAT I might have for the kiddos. The whining now is enough. I know I couldn't handle it then. I would need double the meds. Maybe that is what I should be stocking up on.

Either way - I'm not much of a worrier. I don't find it useful. I don't find it fun. I find it a compete waste of my time. That is not to say I don't worry. I worry about my kids ALL THE FREAKING TIME! So much that the worrying bothers me as well. Too bad I can't reason myself out of that bad habit.

To wrap it up - It's gonna all be ok and perhaps we can try focusing on the meaningful things within our grasp to control since viruses and people are out of the question.

On The Page - Full

Finished running on a Monday for the first time in 2 weeks at as I was heading up to bed I decided I really wanted to journal.

Today I have felt FULL. My day was full to the brink. Classes, tasks, meetings, kids, emails, filming etc....

I also ate. I ate almost 3 FULL meals today. I know that sounds silly but I really don't usually make time to eat 3x a day. I eat more than that, but not usually meals. Today I took time to eat breakfast and it was good.

I was FULL of compassion. Very few bad feelings. My goal this week was to no gossip about anyone or talk badly of anyone at work. It worked. There were moments of frustration, but nothing out of control or within my ability to control.

I was FULL of fulfillment. I felt good about what I was doing in life today. Dabble where I can and do what I'm able.

I was full of LOVE for my kids. I had a chat with Poppy about her feelings tonight which lead me to Hazel to discuss how we can change there and explain challenges the Gable has and to wrap it up Jude gave her a hug when he left her. FULL

My body was FULL of energy and joy as I ran and worked out. No matter if I loose all the weight and burdens as quickly as I would like - my body had enough fuel to do what I was asking.

We had a FULL scripture study. I wasn't worried that we were going to make the 8:30 bedtime. We talked - we discussed - we learned.

MY LIFE IS FULL.... I am living in an abundant life and I need to not dread the fullness but instead embrace the opportunities I am afforded to fill in all my cracks with such good things.''