Calm Down

 I went to a Riki Session today to try and clear out much of my weight and pressures. It was really interesting and good. One thing she was was to be Selfishly Selfish. Sounds great and good, but not even sure how to do that right now so tonight I started with a bath. I actually shaved my legs. 

Got out and first thing can't find my little face razors. I know some little hands have taken them but no takers.

Next asked poppy to try on some clothes and had to ask 3 x before she would try on the new clothes I purchased for her.

Went down for family prayer and the house is a disaster.

Hazel explains that she has a poster due tomorrow as well as need to study for her end of trimester math test. She just finished up 4 hours of dance and this is the first I hear about it.

I ask the kids who pulled all the Christmas books out and all of them denied it.

Asked why Hazel was just sitting doing nothing if she had so much to do. Attitude. Asked her what she did all yesterday when she was hope. Got a play by play of nothing happening, but her making out that she was busy.

Ask for prayer because now I'm getting grumpy. Gable is asked to pray. First thing he says. 

"Please bless that mom will stop freaking out..." That is it. I threw what was in my hand and went up stairs. Bull Shit family. I call bull shit on all the rebelliousness of your excuses and actions. 

I am done asking and begging. I give it all back to you all to deal with. I am over doing things to make your lives easier when you never try to do the same for me. 

My first act of selfishness is to stop taking care of you all and forgetting about myself.

Tomorrow I will make a  list of things I love to do.

Expectations vs Reality

Expectations. I have a love hate relationship, perhaps conflict is a better description of the relationship. My motto is expect the worst and hope for the best. My brother Brandon says expect nothing so that everything is a beautiful surprise.

Neither seem to bring much joy and yet both breed some sort of truth. I want good things to happen. I want to will them into being, but when they don't happen I'm disappointed. If I expect nothing I feel like I'm selling myself short and only getting the leftover scraps of what joy is left in the world. So which one is correct?

Today we rolled out a very special, and generous promo at work. Spend $50 at The Peak and get a $20 gift card to the local struggling theater for FREE. I have been so excited about it. I have been looking forward to it. I was fully expecting people to line up and the phones ringing off the hook trying to grab this promo, but I think we handed out 5 of them..... 5 of the 300 available. 

This truly is a generous and not at all required thing to do. We paid the local theater $6K for these from a grant and we want to bonus our families as well as the theater so why is no one lining up for this but a $50 sweatshirt will sell out to an online store?

It's not that today was bad. I truly wasn't. Provably the best Monday in a long time even though I am down 3 coaches due to covid, but everything worked out and people were generally decent, but still I am bummed. Such a silly thing to be sad about, but I feel it's a failure on my part. I didn't market it good enough. I haven't mended the Peak reputation as much as I thought I had. I chose wrong. People don't want to commit to us. They think we are greedy. I have lost touch with the customer...... on and on and on. As if I had any control over people, their finances, or their choices so why do I tie my disappointment to something I have no control over.

I think a lot of it is because I don't feel like I am being successful in any particular area. So much is falling behind or I'm falling short on, but no extra time to do more or better, but somehow my best doesn't feel successful unless it leads to the results I am seeking. 

So how do I fix this need for external success or validation. Not sure. Maybe I need work success because I feel unsuccessful at home? More likely I'm looking to rise to the expectations others had of me that I somehow feel I have let down by living a smaller life than I even imagined for myself.

Don't get me wrong. It's a great life. I truly enjoy my small life, but there are parts of me that miss the grandness I imagined for myself making big differences in big ways. This is something I have to reconcile. The high school overlooked me, with the college celebrated me, with the mom making good people me. Who am I and how can I let go of who I once was?

 

Heavy

I

t's been another week and today it was just too much.

I broke: my heart, my body, my mind. They broke and my carefully created okness crumbled. I couldn't hold it anymore. I couldn't stand. I couldn't speak. I fell and I cried. I screamed. I wailed. I prayed. I asked for someone to help carry my weight and then I felt the healing weight of my child in my arms and I started to heal. 

I asked Jude to come lay on me so I could feel real weight instead of imposed, and pressured weight and the realness, and the tactile feeling gave me peace. He was watching Wall-E and as I listed to Put on your Sunday Clothes from my beloved Hello Dolly plans started to form. 

The tangible moment started to help create a plan of how to go forward. I got up and limped over to the table to start putting my plan into action and asking for the help that I desperatly need.

I. Need. Help. 

I cannot hold everything on my own and the weight is too much.

I cannot carry other's weight, thoughts, opinions, or claims - no matter how much they press them on me.

I need to lighten every part of my life: Work, Weight, Mind, Spirit, Family and I need to do it now before something breaks.

Work: I need to hire someone to take on marketing. Priority #1

Weight: I need to decide on a health plan on how to do so. Either Keto or some other avenue

Mind: I have got to release all that I'm hanging onto. Going to a Riki specialist next week and hoping to help with the lift and release of all things and start a path of healing and dealing.

Spirit: I need to reconnect with my God given gifts and His plan for me right now. Seek it and live it to the best of my abilities.

 Family: I have decided that the girls will stop piano with Janna. It's too much pressure for us all, and does not create joy for any of us. I will let her know next week that it will be our last one. We are choosing to simplify. I will encourage Hazel to take a year off of ballet to heal her body and confidence.

This is all with the help of Karlee Jensen who has agreed to coach me - to which I am eternally grateful. She knows me and best of all she knows my heart and desires. Mardi has agreed to have The Peak help cover her fee. 

It's a start, and I am to journal everyday the thoughts to empty my mind and release so I can start tomorrow without the weight of today. 

I can do this. I am grateful for God's guidance today. As I was crying out for his help he stepped in with a clarity I haven't had in a while. I know he is with me and wants me to feel light and love again soon. He designed me to be a happy person and now to get the help to be the masterpiece he designed.

 I was a heavy heart to carry

My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Oh
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms

Heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms