Road Blocks -

Beginning a writing discovery 30 weeks late- but better than never:

Right now my biggest stopping block is Time & money. The most interesting part about that is that I don't have time because I need to keep working to pay for bills, debt. If I stopped self soothing and emotionally purchasing things to feel better about having more time I would possible have more money which would equate to more time. It's a tricky thing because I actually enjoy my work. I find that I want to do it even when I don't have to. It fills my time and needs which leads to an interesting discovery that I don't enjoy the emptiness of time and purpose.

I think that if I felt more ok with myself that the need to fill time and space would be lessened which would create more space for time and money in my life, but I'm not exactly sure how to cure the "need" I feel. Need to feel better about myself so I buy a new shirt or new cure for acne. Something that will save me time like better mascara, but still doesn't feel the need to be happier about myself. 

The need to change permeates all parts of my life and takes away my contentment. I am not content with anyone or anything and the need to change is exhausting. 

The need to accept things as they are now is difficult because I am a striver . I want to be better. I want to be the best I can and I want to be part of the best. The need to silently compete is part of my everyday life and when I feel I can't compete to be the best I would rather not be part of it at all. I give up and walk away instead of focusing on being the best me - no matter how that compares to everyone else.

I don't think that there is fear involved in the not competing, more just defeatist and avoiding something that will not be enjoyable. I cannot accept not being one of the best. It reminds me so much of playing the violin. I really didn't enjoy it because I was not happy being 3-5th chair. I also knew that I would never be 1st or 2nd. 

Similar to my weight and size. I cannot be as small as Barbie, but I also don't want to do what it takes to do that because it's not something I enjoy so why try? I'll just differentiate myself in all the other ways and focus on those. Be contrary to the point that I am not sure who I am or if I just became opposite of the things I could not be.

My greatest obstacle has been ok being me - in all my flaws, big ideas, and firm beliefs. They are not generally accepted. My size is on the bigger side. I am not a natural beauty in the eyes of the world so my ideas have been what I treasure most and that is also where I usually get into the most trouble because they are not on the average side of things and they are not in line with the place that women have been given. I question authority in all areas and am loyal to those who take the lonely road. I have had very few champions in my life besides myself. Very few from my immediate family and still fewer in my current family situation, but I have learned that being alone but true to myself is better and easier than feelings of personal betrayal. It is however still a lonely place to be.