No One Takes Care of Me

 I am exhausted. I am so angry. I am tired of taking care of all the things and no one things to take care of me. DJ's form of taking care of me is to leave me be which isn't helpful when there are so many things inside that are hurting and making me feel alone. He is a great dad but he is not a great husband. There is a difference. He loves to play with the kids. He will get out of bed early to go sleep in the new trailer with them, but that leaves me waking up alone. Today I really needed his support and love. I needed a blessing but he was no where to be found. Great that he got the kids ready - all that takes is doing the boys hair and making sure teeth are brushed. No one ever makes sure I am ready.

Today I'm trying to do singing time. I really don't want to do this calling. I really don't want to sing - I can't so why did I say yes. I want to take care of less kids - not more. I feel like the success of so many are resting upon my shoulders. I need a break. I need time away and I need someone to take care of me.

I had horrible things written about me yesterday. I was imperfect and they pointed out each imperfection. I know my faults all too well and I know when I make a mistake, but I feel the difference between me and others is that I don't like to linger on mistakes. I would rather move along quickly and no one even seems to know why my mistake was made.

I'm thinking it is time for a change. What that is - I'm not quite sure. All I know is that my unhappiness far outweighs my joy.

Forget about the numbers

 Today I will forget about the numbers. I will not give them the place to reside in contentment or resentment. Today they are merely a monitor. Today I didn't go work out and it was also ok. Sleep was important. Husband time last night was important. My connection to other people was important. Jude's birthday weekend was important. It's the last 5th birthday in our household. No need to mourn it, but it was something to celebrate! Not something I wanted to cince my way through.

Best thing about today is that I feel no guilt about any number or any decision. I know that the numbers will change here in a few days and I can work on understanding my body in this reverse and healing it to a proper state that I can successfully function in.

I also have decided the first hour of work is for my mind to unload before I take more in. First coaching call of this bridge group is in 30 minutes and I'm taking the time to write it all out so I can make good use of my time while in it. 

For a Monday the outlook is remarkably happy and bright. It's a warmer day. It's the last Monday before spring break and my coaches are here. They are excited and we have so much to look forward to.

Here's to peace and joy this week. Celebrating and making choices based upon real, and not imagined thoughts. Here's to being 4/5 years old and joyfully using my body and eating for fuel and stopping when I'm done. Living in the moment and finding joy each time I look around.

Why am I in a funk?

It's the starting of week 3 in this funk. Got kind of crazy last week but has been compounding since then. I am trying to work on so many things and felt like things were going well an it all seems to be unraveling.

My health journey has hit a snag. Cross fit Carley has been gone for 2 weeks so I haven't worked out. I asked Kdee to go. I've asked DJ to make sure we go. Neither have made it happen or a priority. I rarely ask for help or anything and this is 1 thing they have both pushed me to do and now that I am needing them they are AWOL so not exercising AKA the only thing I do for myself. I'm even out of the habit of doing my own morning workouts now. 

Went to energy Jen to try and create calm inside of this health and weight loss journey and she told me to do exact opposite of what health coach Sarah said to do so now there is even more conflict inside so here are the questions I need to answer.

Why do I want to eat better:

I want to feel good inside my body. I want to know that the things I'm putting inside are good for me mentally/physically/spiritually. Yes that means that Sugar and a Dr Pepper are part of my eating habits. I do want to eat when I'm hungry and think through what will fuel my body and get me to where I want to be rather than grabbing what is closest and will bring me a minute of happiness.

Why do I want to loose weight:

I want to feel more fit than actually loose weight. Maybe it would be best to just take measurements instead of use the scale? I want to move comfortably. I want to fit my clothes the way I want to. I want to feel confident in my body regardless of the number on the scale. I want to be empowered to use my body in ways have been self conscious to do in the past.

Why do I want to work out:

It is the only thing/only time I take for myself that day. I like feeling strong and pushing myself to new limits and learning how to do something different. I want to me strong in my mind and body and lifting weights does this for me better than just the regular cardio I have done in the past. My body is naturally strong and it's great to feel this natural change taking place.

So my plan:

*Eat mindfully - not emotional and no shame attached. Keep doing a reverse 1500 calories this week add 100 calories until I get 1"more on my waist. Then I back off by 100 calories for 8 weeks

*I want to loose inches. Measurements will be my guide - not the scale. I will decide if fat loss happens in a few months. I don't have to even think about that right now. It is not part of my current plan.

*Working out is my job and my responsibility. If I like it it will do it regardless of who else is. Find something/somewhere I can do it and feel comfortable doing it regardless of who is or is not there.

People make my job hard

 Seriously today I have a 35 year man child explaining that he wants to tell me hopes and dreams and an entitled mom whining about $30 but tells people they are using the crap makeup from Walmart instead of Nordstrom. What a day. It’s ok. I did my best and the rest is in their capable hands but why is it that people complicate everything. Relationships, communication, instruction, teaching, responsibility etc…. Truly. What is it about us that feels the need to complicate and be right or disappointed or let down or betrayed in all things. What to do? First off. Not eat the feelings away. 2nd to write them down and third I’m for-giving all their issue back and reminding myself that they are in charge of all those messy feelings and they way they feel and in turn treat me had more to do with them than me. Gotta try and hang onto that. Offer what little grace I can muster and share it with my oft neglected kiddos and myself when I feel like I’m falling short for them because I gave most of my grace away to the complainers. I am choosing to be different, react different, and feel different. I will not take this hard day into tomorrow. I will not let it creep into my weekend. I will choose not to feel betrayed by those who should have known better and been on my side as I have been on theirs. I will not take peoples unkindness as a sign that I am less knowledgeable or  inexperienced. Their judgment is based on their limited understanding of who I am and shows their depth, not mine.