I am exhausted. I am so angry. I am tired of taking care of all the things and no one things to take care of me. DJ's form of taking care of me is to leave me be which isn't helpful when there are so many things inside that are hurting and making me feel alone. He is a great dad but he is not a great husband. There is a difference. He loves to play with the kids. He will get out of bed early to go sleep in the new trailer with them, but that leaves me waking up alone. Today I really needed his support and love. I needed a blessing but he was no where to be found. Great that he got the kids ready - all that takes is doing the boys hair and making sure teeth are brushed. No one ever makes sure I am ready.
Today I'm trying to do singing time. I really don't want to do this calling. I really don't want to sing - I can't so why did I say yes. I want to take care of less kids - not more. I feel like the success of so many are resting upon my shoulders. I need a break. I need time away and I need someone to take care of me.
I had horrible things written about me yesterday. I was imperfect and they pointed out each imperfection. I know my faults all too well and I know when I make a mistake, but I feel the difference between me and others is that I don't like to linger on mistakes. I would rather move along quickly and no one even seems to know why my mistake was made.
I'm thinking it is time for a change. What that is - I'm not quite sure. All I know is that my unhappiness far outweighs my joy.
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