I'm on my first family vacation in 6 months. I have painfully planned fun - excitmment - food - amusement - clothing. I have played it all out in my head for 3 weeks since I knew we "got the condo." So far this is how it has went.
Prep - CRAPPY! I yellled at the girls on Saturday more times than I could count. I spanked Gable for the first time ever. My house was a particular disaster that my parents had walked through. I still was not packed and there were people to see, Egg hunts to go to, and smiles to put on. Whenever I say the feared words... "I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS... I CAN'T DO MORE!" it all comes crashing down.
It's dumb really because I'm still standing there under it all still arms outstretched trying to catch everything I'm pulling down on top of my. Getting hurt - throwing things here and there - Pulling more down pushing people away and pulling them into the mess all at the same time. It's absurd. It makes no sense. It's damaging. It's deflating to me and so harmful for those around me.
Why am I trying to keep everything together? Puzzles suck when they are all put together right? Why do I want the flawless complexion. I honestly spent 20 minutes in the wal-mart isle trying to find facewash - wipes - lotion and anything that will make me feel better about myself. Did it work? I did find a nice clinique knock off lotion while MR. Gable crawled all over me - threw his ball into the shelving knocking everything over like bowling pins and of course the worker lady (who I went to school with) just happened to be walking by so I felt obligated to straighten it all up while refraining from strangling the little one who continued to knock more down at the other end of the isle. Have I mentioned he DOES NOT stay in the cart and will climb out with or without someone there to catch/help him?
So Why am I so afraid of the falling boxes? Why can't I just watch them fall, walk over to them, look at it, and simply either leave it because its too heavy to put back or if necessary just put it back in its place with out yelling all holy hell at everyone within listening distance.
I complain about my hands being so full and my back breaking from everything yet I continue to keep up the facade that its all in place. I'm the first one to tell everyone that I don't have it together. I don't want to be on their pedestal but I stand percariously on my own. IT's Bull Shit and I know it. I need to be ok with all the flawed, perfectly imperfect parts of myself and then maybe I can be ok with the same things in others. I NEED desperatly to fully love those around me. I LOVE them up to their flaws and then I halt in my tacks and put their flaws in my back pocket to pull out when I'm feeling melicious, jealous or, insecure and pull it out to feel better about me, but I can't love others until I love myself.
I still remember 7th grade health when Maslow's hiercy of needs was introduced. It is the only method or formula I remember from 7th grade but I am still stuck in the middle. Unable to get to the top becasue I can't love me. I look for things and people to love me but the cannot fill the holes long enough to keep me satisfied.
Time to re-find and re-defind who I am. Time to accept larger than average calves and stop trying to fit into 15" circumfrances and calling it comfortable. Time to accept others at the tarnished, beat up items I pickup at the DI and love them as is instead of constantly trying to paint them. Enough is enough and I'm too tired of being frustrated and prickly. Soft and smushy is who I wanna be. Don't need to pretend.
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