Communication and Sleep

Who knows if I finished the last post, but who really cares right? So after an interesting meeting at work today and I have discovered two things. I am a natural communicator and a natural sleeper. Now you may think that these things cannot possibly go hand in hand but let me assure you that my talents in both areas are expounding.

After some very rough months and a complete breakdown I had to communicate my feelings about my current situation at work, and communicate I did. The final draft was almost 5 pages. I told you I can communicate - so much so I'm sure I'll be talking someones ear off and die while taking a breath. I had stayed up literally all night (sans 2 hours) typing it on my phone in the notes. We will worry about the carpal tunnel surgery bill later. I edited it - re-read it, critiqued it, read it to DJ (who always agrees with me), and then pressed send. After that I cried fearful tears knowing that what I just did could not be undone, but that my angst could not go on.

Today, almost 2 weeks later, this culminated in a meeting with the owner and my director. As they say all's well that ends well, and for me that means I was able to express my feelings, seek validation, ask for understanding, and requesting guidance. I still feel like I need all those things EVERY DAMN DAY! How sad is it for a 34 year old to need someone to say (and really mean) how are you doing? I like this! Excellent Job.. Let's try... Head this way... I want you to do this... and most of all the WHAT and WHY!

My poor parents. I'm sure I asked What and Why way too much. How did they survive me??? I still remember my first summer away at college and sitting for 2 hours simply talking - discussing - reflecting - responding. It was a THRILL I had never achieved. Now you gotta realize the people I was doing all this with were usually high - stoned  - drunk and perhaps all 3 and there I was sober as cold Sunday morning, but it was REAL. I felt seen  - validated - educated. Words are my thing. I think that is why I'm trying to outlet with this blog. I need them out of me. If I don't I build until I EXPLODE!

Here is my problem... I'm surrounded by beautiful little people who are still learning the beauty and power of words. I am answering their What and Why with no one to answer my own. Its tough to answer yourself because you cannot ever tell if you're on the right path or not. Others illuminate your path when you're stuck. This is a tricky thing for me. What to do? Read more - ya... I should actually read instead of listening, but this leads me to my next thing I seek desperately... SLEEP.

Every night (or nap) I listen to audio books. This has been my saving grace for the last 8 years. I listen to calm my mind- my nerves, focus my thoughts so I can empty everything out and rest. I use them to block out the breathing and not breathing of my new born babies, the knots in my stomach after vomit erupts, dull the coughing I cannot control in the other room, and the frustrations I feel to the guy sleeping soundly next to me.

Sleep is my medication right now. I used to work on 4-6 hours. I was EXCITED to get projects started and FINISHED. Now I think of how much sleep I have under my belt before I decide if I can start anything (still working on how to finish the many things). I evaluate my sleep ALL DAY LONG. Can I get up to workout? Did I get enough sleep to be a happy mom? Did I sleep enough to have enough energy to start painting? I'm too tired to bead jewelry today. Where do I start? Maybe I'll just sleep and see how I feel after that. It's killing me, my creativity, and my confidence because I am not doing what I think I should be doing.

AH I HATE THAT WORD Should- who says I should do anything. This internal voice of should of's is hurting me, and I have no one to share my coping words with. I am a natural talker but I have not talked to people enough to trust them with my words. I talk at people. Answer their questions in a general way, but never get to a safe zone of sharing. It's easier to just turn on Audible and listen away my internal voices and questions.

So for now maybe more sleep and more communication. Maybe I can sleep enough to listen to myself. Confident enough to do what that voice tells me to do. Brave enough to use my words before I turn into a vomitorium expelling everything bottled up inside.