Desire....

Imagine hearing U2's Bono singing DESIIIIIRE with the amazing/talented Edge serenading with the electric guitar in the background. That is about as much as I've got for that word right now. I am completely devoid of desire in all fronts. My work, my business, my body, my life, my marriage, my kids.... all of it is in a dangerous recession. I think this may be because I desire TO DO SO MUCH. The thoughts and the real and true desires are so completely overwhelming and consuming that they burn fast like hair (I know this personally but that is a WHOLE other story). I'm a flash in the pan type of desire. I CANNOT for love - $ - success keep my desires up and functioning.

I have so much desire that is unfulfilled that I simply cannot desire anything else. Its tragic in a way because I WANT it so bad. The desire.. to have desire.... is about as exhausting as all the un-manifested desires I have. This cycle is too much. Too Busy. Too Needy. Too Heavy. Too Hard. Will it end? And here goes.... how can I make it end? Doesn't that take desire? So here I stand with my head in hand wondering...

I desire SLEEP. I NEED sleep. I LOVE sleep and I used to forgo sleep to feed my desire. What changed? Kids changed it, but #3 did me in. I am tired. Too tired to do anything but internet shop. I am in debt with money. I'm in debt to my passions. I am in debt to personal success, my body, my business, my creativity, but all I want to do is sleep. I used to not be able to sleep because that desire kept me going. I used to thrive on 4-6 hours of sleep. Now I need 8 to make it through the day and for DJ to be home by 7:30 to take over before I loose it all.

What put out the flame? Did I do it? Did I let go when I should have held on, but how when holding onto the MUSTS takes everything within me? Sleep is the only answer right now. I need it. I long for it. I dream of sleeping until I decide to wake up and in turn sleeping when my body asks for it. Sleep for now is my only desire and I must give in and put all desires to bed with me.