Feel Too Much

I just read an essay yesterday on one of my favorite/life changing blogs http://momastery.com/blog. It was about envy. Envy/Jealousy... they seem to be by constant companions these days. They drift in and out of my daily life moment by moment. They follow me in happiness and ruin moments when I could be the kind/gracious person I so desire to be, but they come between me and the world to "protect me" so I don't have to "feel" too much. They make me feel less. Less creative, less worthy, less able, less loving.

In the essay the writer says Fat & Full. She spoke of desiring this feeling. Laugh yes a woman using these word in positive is pretty freaking amazing as well as revolutionary to that I give a oh ya! However when I hear that and feel the lack inside the juxtaposition is pain at its best.

Today was hard. I had sacrificed some personal time and attention to help a situation and instead of any thanks or praise or awe of talent I got anger directed at me due to the fact that I did they and someone already had. Now I know I was not in the wrong, but somehow I have a ridiculous ability to take others moods and internalize them. My highs and lows are so far and can be triggered in an instance. Now my heart says that my offering was good. The intention was right. The product was fantastic, but my mind rolls through the situation as I rewind and replay it over and over... getting more and more angry each time. Getting addition pain from the moment, making the hurt deeper, wider, and one that will most likely scar.

I came home feeling empty and defeated. My NEED to feel full was immense! In the past I would wallow, get angry at the kids who were keeping me from being fabulous and achieving notoriety and success. I would watch my show, eat everything, and be mad. Today after reading Fat & Full I searched for anything (besides food) to fill me up. The grace of the moment was realizing that loving my beautiful children, feeding them, riding bikes, playing outside, dancing, and focusing exclusively on them filled me up to the brim and past overflowing. These beautiful people who "keep me" from being the person I once was are allowing me to become the person I want to be.

Now don't get me wrong. The suck it out of me too. There are time when I have nothing in me to offer them, they have taken it all. Other times they are the FULLNESS I was seeking. They love me. They replace the emptiness, and their laughter is louder than my mind, and the pervious moments of anger and hurt are recorded over with sunlight, bumblebees in February, and smiles. The pictures and videos are completed. My mind has captured the moment. Now it's time to keep the emptiness away and fill up with the things my heart guides me to. Another movie tomorrow, Drama was today, maybe a Comedy, Love Story, or Biography tomorrow. Only time will tell.