Confession

After the last post I honestly thought about giving up again. Wondered if this "therapy" was too painful for me and also feared what thoughts and emotions it might conjurer in my littles life later on once they get their hands on this (which they undoubtedly will).

The rest of the week sucked. The life/will/happiness was gone, hoovered right on our of my soul and I was dead and empty. I couldn't even sleep in my bed - punished myself sleeping on the couch which is a big punishment because I buy not for comfort but for the looks that I love. This french provincial tufted sofa IS NOT meant to be slept on! I'm screwed when I'm pregnant again and I knew this and I bought it anyway.

Back to the point... Pain was inherent everywhere I looked, and everything I did, and everything I did and didn't feel. I couldn't escape myself and my FAIL. It was my shadow growing bigger and bigger each time I tried to run from it. I was consumed. I couldn't see anything outside and worst of all I was slipping into the triggers that brought it on the first time. The kids could see it. I know they felt it and they tip toed around me speaking softly, and saying, "I Love You," all in hopes of bringing me back from the "place mama goes."

I have been visiting my "place" often latley and I'm sure they have noticed the increased frequency. They are brilliant in personal perception except when it's time to clean up the house.

DJ tried. He really did try, but I couldn't explain the pain of the Fail. I didn't want to tell him how often it had been happening and how honestly wasn't sure I could stop it. I wanted to keep everyone at a distance for their safely and to keep me from making the same mistakes. I couldn't bear another one. It would be too much.

I told him to cancel the V-day plans I know he was trying to make special. I really tried to be gracious when the kids gave me their card with kind words and bright flowers, but the shadow was eating me from the inside.

I went in my head and got my hands busy. I painted. I got everything off the walls and in the middle and I started to cut the edges. I went to the middle and I was able to create newness. It was a clean light color (far cry from the usual choice). DJ started to help. The progress was being made. The transformation was happening and the shadow got smaller. My mind came back to me. The shadow had loosened its grasp and I could see beyond the Fail. There were other things. There were walls and methods and efforts and change and there was help.

We worked late (no surprise) and got up and started again. It finished. The plans could still happen. Graciousness could be redeemed. Love could be shown, and most of all confession of doubt/fear/sorrow is much easier to do in a car with just 1 other person listening and no where else to go and no one else to listen to.

I now wear a rubber elastic to help snap me into reality (Ahh Jillian Anderson with Netflix The Fall - I might be forever grateful). I snap it a lot. I hope to snap it less. I don't think I will ever go a day with out snapping it but it helps. The simple pain reminds me of my shadow's pain that is just waiting to engulf me. For now I can maintain the shadow's size. I can keep it manageable - in my hands. I can put it aside once it comes to visit and give it little to no attention because these beautiful children of mine need all the attention I have to spare + more.

Hazel just walked down at 12:42 with all her bedding in her arms. Snapping - Snapping - Snapping. Did I mention I just folded ALL THE LAUNDRY. Attention...she's got it. SNAP!