Fail...

So I guess when the posts increase in frequency that is not a good thing. Epic failing happening right and left. Honestly can't keep things standing at this point. It feels like the movie Inception where when the dream ends the buildings start crashing down around and the rubble and debris is everywhere an while you try your damnedest to focus on getting the hell out of the mess you can't help but be distracted by the immense mess and overwhelming mass of stuff all over. All you can think is, "How in the hell did this ALL happen!"

Yep I have not idea how I got here. Things start so small for me. A simple un-followed direction that is repeated 1 too many times and the mental tape holding me together just falls apart and my mind is blown. The wreckage is horrible and my mind sees it all happening and as much as I try and gather the pieces of tape together to piece my mind back together but the explosions keep happening and triggers keep setting me off and there is no time to pull it all together and regain the control I need to save us all from the wrath of me.

Once its all destroyed the destruction inside me continues as I replay over and over what I said, what I did, how I must have looked how I sounded, and worst of all the eyes of those I just destroyed.

The triggers. What can I do with these pins that stick in me constantly. Just poking me. Annoying me. I swear these multiply by 10 with each additional kid. I was just at a marriage seminar (not my idea) and they asked everyone who grew up with a Fun Parent to raise their hand. Mine stayed down. Then they asked if THEY were the fun parent. Once again my hand stayed down. Now they didn't ask all parents how have restrained from beating your children today... raise your hand. How about all parents who listed to at least 1/2 of everything your kids said today.. raise your hand. Or better yet all parents who haven't ran away and will return tonight to their kids... raise their hand. Now shouldn't we celebrate those successes as well. Fun is great. Sanity is a must but for some reason we are simply expected to be/remain/continue to be sane.

I ALWAYS regret my snaps. I actually HATE that they happen more than anything in my life. I personally know the damage they do and to know that and to still give into that horrible habit makes it even worse. Kids are by nature resilient, but damage is remembered. It returns acutely in usually the most inopportune times in life. It also shapes us and that is why FAILURE on my part to control the triggers in turn triggers all my remembered failures and where one building might be falling at the first trigger, once it's over and I see the damage the whole city implodes and I run away from everything and everyone.

It always seems so hopeless to try and rebuild when I can't control my faults. I think, "IT will just happen again so why build it up. Just stay away and live in the current mess rather than start over just to do it all again."

Its exhausting to build everyday and to control the close calls. I'm just too tired to keep myself and the house, and my marriage, and my work, and my business, and my kids, and my church, and my testimony, and my community all together. Its just too much. I down right now. Really low. I'm not sure when I'll get out. I'll pretend as I do out of necessity, but that is about all the energy I have.

Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it ... yet." I loved those books. I loved that saying but life was much simpler when that ray of sunshine first entered. It still rings true even in the dust left by the destruction.