You know that Jealousy... has the word lousy in it right? Because it makes you feel down right lousy. Its a giving feeling because it makes you feel bad about feeling that way yet you feel that way and you know you shouldn't but you still do and that makes you feel worse. It's one of the feelings that I really hate and for some reason in my life right now it is ever prevalent and I SEE everyone thorough these green colored glasses.
I know the obstacles are the path and I know I am enough. Sometimes I even believe both of those things. I know more ideas will come and that I need to let go of the ones I can't grab onto but for the love of all that is good. WHY IS MY BOAT STILL NOT COMING IN!!! I will never understand this about my life.
I am an ambitious woman. I embrace this. Have since a child. I have vision. I work HARD. I LIKE TO WORK HARD. I am dedicated. I am loyal. I am determined. I have MANY skills. I learn quickly so tell my WHY are none of the things I am working on - working to - trying hard at - working my guts out for - spending my soul, $$, and time on NEVER working out?
I have two wonderful/kind women whom I encouraged to go out and start their own thing. I perhaps even PUSHED them hard at times. Gave them encouragement, ideas, thoughts, advice, and attention. Guess what... they are FREAKING successful. Like successful in the fact that they can walk away from their other jobs if they want - when they want. Not only can they walk away but they could be welcomed back with open arms. They know this. There is power in this knowledge. Now I know if I left my job I could provably go back. My problem is what am I leaving it for? There is no soft lighting that I can see in my future. I am running so hard and fast in place and going no where. If I stopped I would be in the same exact place feeling the same way except less tired.
So how can I feel this way and still not be the mean jealous/spiteful person that no one likes. Ok maybe I am already her but I always say sorry and can put the happy face on. I can be who I need to be. The problem is that I really want to be happy for them. I want to be happy for me. I want to BE me. The person I was designed to be. The person I was at one time. I miss that person. I miss being consulted. I miss walking around and people thinking while I was a hard ass I knew my stuff and was good at it. I want people to look at me and not wonder what happened to that Josie Beth girl... I thought she would really be something. I want to be whatever they thought I would become!
So what to do now. I know I should pray and look for blessings. I know this and I believe it but I just don't want to do it so I think for right now. I will cry a little. Write it down and PRAY that no one reads it ever. Tomorrow I will try hard to be happy for everyone including myself. I will buy a good luck gift for the lady meeting with Hollywood and get a nice card for the other one who has so many clients she is turning people away. Yeah... for me!
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