The Good Stuff

Tonight I went to bed and instead of turning on a show I grabbed the self-esteem workbook and started reading. I swear my kids can sense when I open a book and the girls ended up coming into be with me, but THE GOOD STUFF started coming out. I read to them about the goal to having an accurate measuring stick for ourselves and that we need to try and have a consistent positive feeling about ourselves.

I asked both girls what they liked about themselves. Hazel told us that she likes that she is Kind and I love that she chose something that is a choice for her. Poppy couldn't think of anything. I knew that might be the case, but it was still sad none the less. I see so many great things, but it doesn't matter if she doesn't see it. She actually cried about tumbling today. When someone gives her a pass or treats her differently she sees it as a negative. I told her I do the same thing, but perhaps it was only meant as a positive. Be flattered you are the only 9 year old in the advanced tumbling instead of feeling bad you can't do everything the big girls can. I need to be happy the font desk wants to discuss things with me. It's not that they don't think I know what I'm doing. Perhaps it is that I have given them trust that they feel their voice can be heard.

I told her how happy I was that she was crying and how great it is to feel. I told her what I do when I don't want to feel and she told me she eats when she is bored and we decided when she is bored it's because she doesn't feel either.

She eats when she is bored so need to keep her happy and occupied. Can do. She will come to kid's camp with me tomorrow. I think I will let her stay to whole time too. It was a good day. They were in my bed and we have a plan. Write something we like about ourselves each day on the board for everyone to see.

Win today - Also Gable hit the tball into the clouds so we win today.x

Why is time for myself so hard to come by/create

I keep coming back to this same question. It is frustrating. I despise doing the same thing over and over again. I HATE re-doing things so why is it that I cannot get a handle on this part of my life? I don't want to get up at the break of dawn to do something nice to myself. Sleeping is the nicest thing I do for myself so why is taking it away a good thing?

I need to set a schedule - a specific schedule - for what happens when and I can't feel bad how I create that time to do it for myself. The tricky thing is that I can't count sleep as me time. That is necessity time.

My mind never rests - it never settles on myself and I think that is why I'm drained. Here are things I want to implement.
Meditation
Yoga
Self assessment
Reading
Scripture study
Journaling
Exercising

The how is the hard part. It's hard not to feel angry about how hard this really is. Tonight we went out on the new boat. First time as a family on our own boat and it was not fun for me. I couldn't back up the trailer. I didn't even try and drive the boat. I didn't even get in the water. My skills were only useful when tying the cover on the boat. All I could think was here is another thing I will have to learn. Another thing I'm not good at. Another thing I will have to practice and spend time learning even when I don't have time to do the things I really want to do for myself.

Now these are silly feelings. They are not even true. The are not even me, but they are real. I want to know how to back up a trailer. I want to drive a boat. I want to not only do these things, but I want to be good at them.... I'm not and that is hard for me. I don't like doing things that I'm not good at. I usually avoid doing them, but that is taking a toll on my confidence. I need to KNOW I can learn new things, but I am going to have to start small and know that I can find confidence by finding time for me and being ok not being great at everything.