Most days I feel that I am double damned. Here is why. I acutely know/recognize my shortcomings AND I feel bad about it too. So not only do I feel guilty/bad about this issue I also feel bad that I haven't over come it.
Prime example just happened last night/this morning. DJ told me that Ricky just got a new boat - yes a new boat and newer than ours with all the bells and whistles that we have just put on our boat. Now why does this bother me? Well it would be nice to show up to Powell with something new for once. We haven't had a new house, new car, new anything and this was the one year we were going to show up with something and once again we were one upped. It is hard enough to go on this trip and this year I was excited because we finally had our own boat and therefore somewhat belonging and nope... again we being set back into our place on the outskirts while Ricky and Whitney continue to hold everyone's attention.
This sounds very petty. I realize this. This is where the 2nd dose of guilt comes in. I feel guilty about feeling jealousy. I also feel guilty about knowing that I know better, but what to do with all these feelings. Yes I feel jealousy and I feel guilty about feeling it.
On top of this... I have been asking DJ that since we finally have our own boat if we can go and visit different parts of the lake. I hate just hanging out at the houseboat all day. We have talked at length about it. DJ told me tonight that he has talked with Ricky about it and thinks it can happen. Well what happens tonight but Whitney sends out a text to everyone saying she has convinced Ricky to head to Rainbow Bridge - the very place we were speaking about. She is inviting everyone to join them. Like she owns this trip and powell and they are the ones who thought of it first.
Again why does this matter to me who's idea it was? Why does it have to be mine? Why do I care if people want to go. Here is the simplest explanation. I really have some hard feelings of not belonging to this group of people who I am suppose to call family. I just don't feel that our relationship warrants that name though. These are not people who I feel care about me. These are not people I care deeply about. These are people I don't care to spend time with because I don't like the way they treat me and my family.
So why do I keep doing this to myself? All I can chalk it up to is that I want my kids to have fun/happy Archibald cousin memories, but I am starting to wonder if having a sane and happy mama trumps this need for them. I hate this trip. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the anxiety that I have leading up to it and during it. I also hate the guilt I feel about these feelings. I wish I felt differently about them and the trip. It was a rough start 16 years ago, and it hasn't gotten any easier. If anything it has gotten harder.
It seems like I am the only one who has a problem with the family. Everyone else seems to get along just fine which makes it even more painful. I see the way they treat Whitney and Ricky and their family. It is so different from the way they treat me and my kids and its hard to reconcile. Especially when we are all together 24/7 for 4 days straight. It becomes quite apparent how different the feelings are for our family vs the others.
So what to do ... that is the question. How do I get enough confidence to not care how I am treated and how not to care how others are treated. I just don't have it yet. I don't have enough in me to do this every year. I send DJ to work with these feelings. I have to see it every day. That is hard enough but the difference is we get to come home. We get to leave them all and I can come home where it's safe and secure. I can remember that we are not part of that life and it is ok and by choice. but what to do when there is no home to go to and I don't have a choice but to be part of that life.
Now to try and prep myself for the inevitable feelings and to get myself settled and centered to be able to cope and also offer myself some grace wehn
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