FEAR... the worst 4 letter word out there.

Fear is one of those dreaded 4 letter words. Is it funny that we fear FEAR. This is an intangible item that cannot be touched, but touches us all. We use it as a motivator, a scare tactic, a way to embarrass, or as a means to an end.

I HATE FEAR!
I hate feeling fear, I hate using it as a means to an end, and I hate when it creeps into my life.

I just went to the dr today about my left arm. I haven't felt my fingers for 2 weeks. It was time. I fear the dr. It has been a long time since I have had any good news there:  Back, feet, tonsils, breathing, allergies, miscarriage. It hasn't been a good couple of years. Each time as I sit there and hear the diagnosis the fear creeps back in. I knew that the baby was not good - silence breeds fear. I knew my neck was not an easy fix, not knowing what method will work spreads fear. Wondering if I will ever be able to be active and do the things I want to do - consumes me with fear.

I remember being little and walking to the outdoor freezer in the dark to get the ice cream since my older siblings were scared to do it. I relished this accomplishment. I would boldly walk out grab the ice cream turn around and walk back to the door. I almost make it without fear every time, but those last 4-5 steps always got to me. I could only hold the fear for so long. Not knowing what was coming up from behind me would make my heart race and my steps come faster.

This haven't changed much. The surprise attack of the unexpected still get to me. I candace things that I can see and prepare for, but the ones that come unexpectedly from the unknown slithering back the hated response.... FEAR

PAIN

The past 2 weeks I have had the most horrible pain in my arm and shoulder. It's never-ending ache has been all consuming. My pointer and middle finger have been numb. I have no idea when or where the injury happened. Last night I cried from the pain which is not a normal thing for me. Physical pain I usually get over quite quickly and my first reaction is usually anger so last night's release was unexpected, but it got me thinking about pain.

Pain is the body's conversation piece. It is a status button and mine has been going off for two weeks and I am finally giving into the message and go to the dr tomorrow. The mental, spiritual, and emotional pain however has been signaling for even longer. I wonder why I ignore it? I wonder why the intermittent tears don't warrant further investigation? I don't understand this pain anymore than I do the physical pain I'm in.

The fear of what is wrong with my arm has prompted me into action. The long term effects are concerning, but the emotional pain is still underlying and untreated. Is the fear of the diagnosis so much more concerning than dealing with that pain. I wonder how bad it will get before it is treated?

It's all a little bit fuzzy...

The sense is blurry now. It has been for quite sometime if I really think about it. I can't seem to get things clear. The last frames of time have been with huge highs and low lows. Extreme light and intense darkness.  I'm not sure when it's been this out of focus. I really can't.  I'm not even sure how to restore the view. Seems that nothing is working right now. Focusing on the good is simply not creating the lasting change of view I need.

The seclusion I feel is overwhelming and welcomed all at the same time. I don't have the energy or mind space to deal with others. The suspicion of motives is constant and the instinct to spot injustice is keen. I'm not sure where or when the shift happened, but I can't seem to slide it back into place.

I'm simply unhappy. I feel the confidence, joy, and belief has been sucked right out of me. This is an injury to insult, because those are the things that usually get me through sad times. I dread doing anything because it is never good enough. Something gets damaged, or some blemish comes through and all my work is for naught. Never is close to perfection ever attained no matter how hard I try or how carefully I am. Why?.... simply doing my best and something always is apparent to show that the best is never good enough.

The lack of any appreciation in all my endeavors has dried up my abilities to do the simplest tasks. I go everyday to a job where I am penalized for speaking my mind. Where my skills are minimized to the extent that I no longer do 1/2 the jobs I did 3 years ago and every idea is marginalized and discarded. I have never felt more worthless in a professional endeavor. If the option to leave was really ever an option I would, but it's not available. My children, my husband, his job, our finances have me held hostage to spend 15+ hours in a hostile environment so they get the lessons they want, the bills get the money they need, the deficit in my husband's paycheck are all provided for. Meanwhile I have nothing to give myself and my confidence is being whittled away day by day to the point where I doubt myself, dislike myself, grudge them, and envy others in every situation.

The Last Time... For the Very Last Time

Tonight I was hit with the reality that I might have held my last baby for the very last time. There may be no others. The problem with never making plans is that you have no plan to prep your self to know these things. The last time might have been the last time and you had no idea of it's significance. You didn't remind yourself to relish that moment. You didn't tell yourself to remember that noise... your crying baby because you will never hear it again. I didn't think it was the last, but what if it was. I had no idea the loss would be so great. The void would feel like a chasam and my heart would break for what I may never have again. The last time may have passed without my knowing or concent. Now what?