It's all a little bit fuzzy...

The sense is blurry now. It has been for quite sometime if I really think about it. I can't seem to get things clear. The last frames of time have been with huge highs and low lows. Extreme light and intense darkness.  I'm not sure when it's been this out of focus. I really can't.  I'm not even sure how to restore the view. Seems that nothing is working right now. Focusing on the good is simply not creating the lasting change of view I need.

The seclusion I feel is overwhelming and welcomed all at the same time. I don't have the energy or mind space to deal with others. The suspicion of motives is constant and the instinct to spot injustice is keen. I'm not sure where or when the shift happened, but I can't seem to slide it back into place.

I'm simply unhappy. I feel the confidence, joy, and belief has been sucked right out of me. This is an injury to insult, because those are the things that usually get me through sad times. I dread doing anything because it is never good enough. Something gets damaged, or some blemish comes through and all my work is for naught. Never is close to perfection ever attained no matter how hard I try or how carefully I am. Why?.... simply doing my best and something always is apparent to show that the best is never good enough.

The lack of any appreciation in all my endeavors has dried up my abilities to do the simplest tasks. I go everyday to a job where I am penalized for speaking my mind. Where my skills are minimized to the extent that I no longer do 1/2 the jobs I did 3 years ago and every idea is marginalized and discarded. I have never felt more worthless in a professional endeavor. If the option to leave was really ever an option I would, but it's not available. My children, my husband, his job, our finances have me held hostage to spend 15+ hours in a hostile environment so they get the lessons they want, the bills get the money they need, the deficit in my husband's paycheck are all provided for. Meanwhile I have nothing to give myself and my confidence is being whittled away day by day to the point where I doubt myself, dislike myself, grudge them, and envy others in every situation.