Learning to Rest

Today is the day after the final performance at The Peak. We close the Peak today so we all can rest. It's a risk. We have customers. They have needs, but as employees we do to and that need now is to rest. We also let the coaches off next week so they can rest and rejuvenate for the next 12 weeks of summer. It's intense. We have 600 kids in our care  and it's an awesome responsibility. It's a joy and a struggle.

I am trying to learn to rest. Not just do nothing, but to actually rest. Part of what makes my mind rest is writing it all out. I am dreaming lately which means that I have too much in my head that I need to sort through. When I don't write enough out I dream more, and very unsettled. The words on the screen give my mind the peace it needs to rest.

I used to rest by getting everything off my to do list. That does bring me great joy and my list now is longer than usual - still no shower in my bathroom 5 month's later, but resting also means fun and doing things that bring me joy. Right now people, and memories give me joy. The list still needs to be done and I need to work on it but it also can wait for a little while.

My Joy List
-By bedroom. I have never been one to hang out in my room but I love it. I retreat to it, even it's messy state.
-Zeal - Call it my morning ritual but it is something just for me that I don't share.
-My kiddos. I really do love being with them - but it requires me to also have time away from them.
-Sun -it's severely lacking right now, but I am anxious for it's return.
-Summer is almost here.
-Love hearing the kids downstairs playing together -especially when DJ is with them
-DJ we had a 24 hr getaway and it was splendid. 3 meals all by ourselves.
-Real people who don't try to fein perfection.
-Jude is doing so good potty training. Easiest kid so far which is nice since so much else has been hard.
-Poppy is getting ready for her own room. She is excited
-Games -Easter bunny brought us hot potato, perfection, and guess who. We have had a lot of fun with them so far.
-Snuggles - Jude is in bed with me snuggling as much as he does.

Much to feel joy about these days.
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A Last Day

Today Gable had his last day ever of preschool. His last day of walking through The Peak doors and turning left instead of going straight. His last day of asking me if he has time to jump first. His last day of being my buddy at work. His last day of playing with Jude after class. I try not to think about these things very much because it makes me sad. These little moments are done. I can't get them back and I wonder if I absorbed them enough. If I made enough memories to last the rest of my life. I hope I did. Problem of child #3 is that mom forgets things - Like taking pictures of just him in his cap, but I have taken millions of mental pics the last 3 years as Gable has grown and changed. I realize how far he has come. I realize how hard it will continue to be.

The one thing I know now that I was unsure of 3 years ago is that Gable is up for the challenge. Today when they were giving his award of the most helpful kid in class before he stepped down he reminded Ms. Keldi that he is "super smart too."  Gable innately knows his worth and I stand in wonder of that gift because I doubted his future so much early on. He has not doubts of his abilities or his future successes. His confidence is his gift to me that gives me the courage to fight for him. I am already scared and tired knowing what will just begin next year, but that is ok, because Gable already knows he can do it.

He is my love and my sweet, beautiful boy for the last 5.5 years. I love him hard because it has been hard at times, but he has taught me more about my abilities than I would have discovered on my own. I love my boy. He loves me..... and Mario of course, but that isn't bad company to be in.

Making the Magic Happen

Day 1 of Performance Week at the Gym and I think things went ok. Need more time. Need to figure out a microphone, but I hope it was a little bit of magic for the kiddos and the parents watching. The morning was rough to start with. There is SO much to do. So much to fluff. Helium Tank was a bust, but luckily Ashley was able to come in early and help take over things so I could stay focused on the important things and still get the boys home.

My favorite thing was when the parents were all gone and we gave out the awards for the staff. They are my focus. I need to remember that. If I take care of them they will take care of the parents. I have to trust that because there are too many people to take care of but if we divide it up - it's manageable.

I personally treated everyone to a Fiiz. I hope it helps them know how much I appreciate them and what they do.

I have missed writing. It is my outlet. I know I sleep better when I write it all out of my brain. I've been dreaming of performances. I've been nervous about them. Instead of celebrating what is good I always worry about making it better. I need to see the magic and not worry so much about having the perfect results. I really do want to enjoy these moments. I hope I can get better about it.

My body is tensing up in prep for summer which makes me nervous as well. Summer is it's own beast. Its so intense and packed full of constant newness it's hard to feel like there is ever a handle on it.

This job requires me to live so far ahead in my mind that sometimes I loose the ability to live in the now. For instance summer is just 2 weeks away but I am already working in my head the need to get summer schedule set and start working on the Christmas show. Crazy huh!

I think having something to look forward to will help me with this. I really wanted to have something to look forward to the end of this month but looks like David Grey on the 18th will have to do. I need to do better about having things just for me to look forward to instead of for DJ and I. Right now we might both be excited about the thought of no more projects as he is currently working on getting the tile grout finished.

One other thing I learned today is that after something like tonight I need to make time to just chill. DJ grabbed me and went to peach city and that was the worst thing I could think of. I made it through and he could tell that wasn't what was good for me and we will both do better.

Tomorrow Hazel does the pentathlon at the Intermediate school and she is so excited. DJ is going to take her in Greenie and do his best to watch for a minute. I'll do my best to see her at the awards portion and then onto a night of magic with gymnastics.

I Ask Too Much

I apparently ask too much. Tonight I asked the kids to finish putting their clothes from the basket to their drawers. I realize that it is hard to do. That it is hard to do at 9:30 at night but not my choice that they left it to the last minute. I too truly wish that is not what we are doing tonight at 9:30 but it does need to be done.

Just today I picked up from preschool. Dropped off for silk. Went to community council. Went to watch Poppy do her silk routine. Took Poppy to dance. Came home and made dinner. Played with the boys. Moved the sprinkler. Even took time to snuggle Poppy once she came home from dance. My problem with this picture is that after all of that - simply asking the kids to cleanup is too much to ask.

I could tell Poppy was upset after I told her I could not wash her leos everytime she wears them. I took out her hair. I brushed it out and braided while DJ watched the routine I filmed and all I got was a grumpy/sad girl climbing into bed and hiding her head under her blankets.

It is so disheartening to send her to bed upset. I swear all I do lately is upset her. She is hardly ever happy anymore and I have no idea how to fix it. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells with these girls and it is exhausting. I constantly feel like I am a failure as a parent.

I am wondering if it is worth asking them to do anything knowing the results it may heed. I am not sure if that is the route or not, but seriously considering its merits at this point. I can't tell what is wetter for my mental health - the mess or feeling like they are always mad at me. I guess only time will tell.

My Eye is Twitching

So I have a tell of too much stress... my right eye starts to twitch and the right side of my face aches from the bells palsy. It started last Wednesday and it has increasingly gotten worse. Now it's into my jaw joint as well.

I know these are signs of too much stress. The ache only comes after a prolonged period of stress. The problem is that this is happening more than I would like. I keep thinking that it will get better in years once I have things more figured out at work, but then I wonder if that will really happen. Here was my day.

6:50 - Wake up and do 25 min workout (3rd week of min 3x a week! Look at me go!)
7:30 - Start doing all the hair of the girls, bath. get dressed. get ready. get boys ready
8:00 - Poppy to school
8:15 - start picking up kids to take to school
8:30 - Go to work
9:45 - 6 month review for Jude up to 3
10:30 - Back to work
12:45 - Home and make lunch
1:00 - Jude OT visit
1:50 - Sell Poppy's old bike, Poppy Home
2:15 - Get boys down for naps
2:35 - Pick up kids from school
3:15 - Head back to work
4:00 - Pick Poppy up from Activity Days
4:15 - Get girls to piano
4:30 - back to work
5:00 - Grab boys
5:15 - Pick up girls from piano
5:30 - Grocery shopping
6:00 - Come home start figuring out dinner put food away
6:15 - Take Hazel to ballet
6:30 - Start smashing refried beans, wash Poppy's hair
6:45 - Drop watch on tile and shatter screen
7:00 - Feed kids, look online to see if I can replace the screen
7:20 - Go get Hazel
7:40 - Make 6 layer dip for Poppy
8:00 - Clean up dinner
8:30 - Scriptures
8:45 - Work on Avery Foundation refugee drive, design car wash poster, make TNT party invite
9:30 - Keep cleaning up the kitchen eat dip
10;00- work on weekend getaway plans
10:30 - DJ breaks table leg and begins fixing it - I go up to bed.

This is just the big stuff. It's not all the bathroom breaks. Laundry. Reminders. work done. Emails answered or texts read and sent. I got 45 texts before 10:30 this morning.

Lets hope that this weekend helps my eye rest up a bit.

Live what you preach

Today was so interesting. Sometimes you are faced with the same situations you have preached about but this time you need to take your own advice. It is surreal to be in a moment when you are genuinely trying to help and in that moment you realize you also need that same advice and need to implement it in your own situations.

Today Kelly was struggling and I needed her to feel that word ENOUGH. The word I wear everyday. The Word I gave to Kylie in September. As it has been such a crazy few months that word is what I needed today. I did enough. It is never complete but hot dogs and chili is enough. 3 pair of clean and dry underwear for Jude is enough. Working out for 25 mins this morning is enough. I can't and don't need to do it all - doing enough is just that.

I now look at thing and try and feel when it's enough - not perfect - but enough. I hold onto that word, especially with the kids. Did I love them enough. Did I do enough with them? Do they know they are enough? Everyday I do my best and that is enough.

How great is it when you already have the answers you need - IF you will just listen to yourself. I am discovering more and more that I need to do this. I need to have confidence that I do have the answers and that my enough is enough no matter what others think or feel. I am only responsible to myself.

I also think that by allowing myself this grace it will allow me to expect less from others and extend this grace to them as well. They are doing their enough and I have to abide by that. I cannot make them do more. I can try and inspire excellence, but they can only rise to their own expectations of themself and that has nothing to do with me so it is not a failure for either party.

How great it that to realize. When we help ourselves we in turn are really helping others and that cycle can go on and on. This is why we need to heal, and feed our own souls so we can in turn be whole enough to heal others. xx

Things We Pride Ourselves On

I am laying bed. It's 9:44 pm and all I can think about is how the mighty have fallen. There have been many years when 9:44 is time to get moving and grooving and to start getting stuff done. Now however it is when I am the most sleepy. It is when I feel the most drained. I have been known as the one who is always up late and functions on little sleep, but that is no longer the case.

The weird thing about this is that I somehow feel like I'm letting people down by no longer able to stay awake and needing more sleep. How dumb is that. Yes I'm human, sorry to disappoint. Guess what thought - pretty sure nobody cares what time I go to sleep or what time I wake up. Betcha no one knows that I feel this is part of who I am.

This leads me to wonder about the things we PRIDE ourselves on. Reading in the scriptures tonight about Pride and how a famine had to come to get them back on track and even after that they ended up right back where they were - in sin and pride.

There are so many things I pride myself in. My fear is that they have created a false sense of who I am. They are these rules I make myself live by whether they are applicable or authentic to the life I am living right now. They are in a sense limiting who I am because by living within their bounds I am limiting my own self to continue to fit there.

Here Are a few I am beginning to question:

1. I don't need help.
-This is a biggie. I don't even like asking for help. I want to be totally self sufficient but I simply cannot anymore. Just tonight I could not figure out what to eat. It was 6:30 and seriously no idea what to eat and no idea how to get enough energy to make it. 
I am seriously considering finding help with a nanny, cleaning, and if possible meals. I can't work the way I do and keep doing all I do here at home. I also cannot expect my kids to do it all. They are just as busy as I am and if I'm not here to oversee I can't be upset when things don't happen the way I want.

2. I care about what others think.
-As per Rachel Hollis - Other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I really want to never think about other's opinions again. My mind goes so far as to that my kids represent me and that I somehow have control over them As if! I really think that this comes from always thinking of others. This was bred within me and now as a mother it is an event deeper trench I'm in. I have got to start thinking of myself as well. I feel that this is a huge problem for me. It has been so long that I don't even know what I think anymore. If all I'm thinking about is others there is no room for myself.

3. I'm not one of those girls
What are those girls - hard to define, but needy, selfish, into myself, and girlie. One of the group. By claiming not to belong it leaves me very lonely and unattached. It really is not fun always being on the outside. After being out there so long it's hard to remember how to join in when the desire comes. I can be one of them and still be myself. I don't have to change. I can simply join in and be myself.

4. I am a martyr
This is the dumbest one yet. Why does anyone want this title? What and who does it serve. Really no one. I get so man as I compare my life with DJ's situation. I get so grumpy when I think of all I do for my kids, but guess who is in charge of all those choices - me. I refuse to be anyone's victim, but I victimize myself which makes no sense. I am giving my power away willingly. No one is going to take care of me because no one knows what I need except myself. I am in charge of my own happiness

5. I need to be busy
This is so hard for me. There literally is always something to do and it is hard to not always be doing because even if I kept doing all the time it still would not ever be done. Right now I am not out running because I am resting. I am tired physically and mentally. I am trying to get things out of my head so I can truly rest. I did do a workout this morning and that will have to do. It's ok to do nothing. It's how I can keep going.