Things We Pride Ourselves On

I am laying bed. It's 9:44 pm and all I can think about is how the mighty have fallen. There have been many years when 9:44 is time to get moving and grooving and to start getting stuff done. Now however it is when I am the most sleepy. It is when I feel the most drained. I have been known as the one who is always up late and functions on little sleep, but that is no longer the case.

The weird thing about this is that I somehow feel like I'm letting people down by no longer able to stay awake and needing more sleep. How dumb is that. Yes I'm human, sorry to disappoint. Guess what thought - pretty sure nobody cares what time I go to sleep or what time I wake up. Betcha no one knows that I feel this is part of who I am.

This leads me to wonder about the things we PRIDE ourselves on. Reading in the scriptures tonight about Pride and how a famine had to come to get them back on track and even after that they ended up right back where they were - in sin and pride.

There are so many things I pride myself in. My fear is that they have created a false sense of who I am. They are these rules I make myself live by whether they are applicable or authentic to the life I am living right now. They are in a sense limiting who I am because by living within their bounds I am limiting my own self to continue to fit there.

Here Are a few I am beginning to question:

1. I don't need help.
-This is a biggie. I don't even like asking for help. I want to be totally self sufficient but I simply cannot anymore. Just tonight I could not figure out what to eat. It was 6:30 and seriously no idea what to eat and no idea how to get enough energy to make it. 
I am seriously considering finding help with a nanny, cleaning, and if possible meals. I can't work the way I do and keep doing all I do here at home. I also cannot expect my kids to do it all. They are just as busy as I am and if I'm not here to oversee I can't be upset when things don't happen the way I want.

2. I care about what others think.
-As per Rachel Hollis - Other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I really want to never think about other's opinions again. My mind goes so far as to that my kids represent me and that I somehow have control over them As if! I really think that this comes from always thinking of others. This was bred within me and now as a mother it is an event deeper trench I'm in. I have got to start thinking of myself as well. I feel that this is a huge problem for me. It has been so long that I don't even know what I think anymore. If all I'm thinking about is others there is no room for myself.

3. I'm not one of those girls
What are those girls - hard to define, but needy, selfish, into myself, and girlie. One of the group. By claiming not to belong it leaves me very lonely and unattached. It really is not fun always being on the outside. After being out there so long it's hard to remember how to join in when the desire comes. I can be one of them and still be myself. I don't have to change. I can simply join in and be myself.

4. I am a martyr
This is the dumbest one yet. Why does anyone want this title? What and who does it serve. Really no one. I get so man as I compare my life with DJ's situation. I get so grumpy when I think of all I do for my kids, but guess who is in charge of all those choices - me. I refuse to be anyone's victim, but I victimize myself which makes no sense. I am giving my power away willingly. No one is going to take care of me because no one knows what I need except myself. I am in charge of my own happiness

5. I need to be busy
This is so hard for me. There literally is always something to do and it is hard to not always be doing because even if I kept doing all the time it still would not ever be done. Right now I am not out running because I am resting. I am tired physically and mentally. I am trying to get things out of my head so I can truly rest. I did do a workout this morning and that will have to do. It's ok to do nothing. It's how I can keep going.