Don't Care

Read a great quote today. "Don't care about people who are not caring about you." This is perfect for today. I have been stewing over the girls piano lesson yesterday. I am not loving their teacher right now. Have not been sure about her for the last few months. Her ability for fun is limited by their ability to impress her.

Yesterday was one of those days. Poppy had her important eye appointment. Dr took an hour just to get to us and there were lots of tests for her larger pupil. We have had this appointment since mid August.  She barely told us last week what time group lesson would be. For 3 weeks out of the month we are there without fail. Maybe a little late, but there. The 4th week that she decides to change the day and time it just doesn't work really well. We already have that slot of time assigned out to other things.

Yesterday poppy was 30 minutes late and as she entered - she was shooshed. Hazel was 45 minutes late. Janna told her how late she was in front of everyone. I would not have even brought them except that they had to be there in order to do the recital next month.

I am just annoyed that her change is not only making my life hard, but that she is annoyed that I can't adjust to her whim. If I had not already paid the $60 materials fee I would already be looking elsewhere.

I am doing my best and when other people cannot respect, appreciate, and understand that then they are not my kind of people. I work full time. Have 4 kids - all with their own appts to get to every day. I will not allow people to make me feel bad - especially when I am paying them. Where is their customer service?

This all leads me to the quote above. I cannot care what Janna thinks of me. Her opinion doesn't/should't matter to me because she is not spending anytime making sure that we are taking care of. She isn't giving us any consideration or extra thoughts so she shouldn't get any from me. Other's people opinion of my is none of my business as per Rachel Hollis, but DAMN it's hard - especially when I have to deal with them consistently 1x per week.

This means that I remind myself of how her opinion of me doesn't matter. Hopefully she will treat the girls better than she treats me. Poppy was embarrassed and got her feelings hurt but we all need to realize that this is Janna and has no reflection of us. We cannot care because she doesn't.

Christmas Music Makes Me Happy

It's begun. I needed it so I started it. I have started listening to christmas music. I am obviously listening at home, but because I'm working on the Peak Christmas Show I also have excuses to listen to it there as well.

Christmas music gives me an overwhelming feeling of peace, happiness, and that everything will work out. I have needed that. Things still are up in the air at The Peak so I need that feeling to go forward. I need the happiness because I'm not quite feeling it naturally. Plus there are so many great songs to get through 6 weeks just isn't enough time.

Peace Be Unto You

I woke up with a headache. I went to be frustrated. The last 48 have not been peaceful. I had a parent meeting last night and I went into it thinking that I was going to be done with them all by the end, but instead I have more work to do for them and more proving/trust earning in the coming months.

This made me angry. This made me frustrated. This was not the ending I had hoped to come to. I was looking to get more "hard things" off my plate. I was looking to get people who didn't value me - away from me. Instead it is now a full serving of change that I will need to do.

I'm not usually one to walk away from a battle. I like I good challenge, but I am defeated right now and don't want to try. I'm tired an not sure I can win anymore.

I was thinking about this all last night as I was trying to settle into bed and the thought was .... "win them over. Make them love you. Prove to them that you are up to the task and a person of your word."

I went to sleep - exhausted at the thought, but I did sleep - semi peacefully (minus the 12 year old who came in saying she couldn't sleep in the basement - was my couch available?)

I still have a headache. The kind that is in the back of your skull. The dull aching kind. It is however literally behiend me. It's not the first thing on my mind. Peace and a Plan has replaced it.

Can I just push a button?

My head is so full - can't sleep. I cleaned the whole house. Organized and threw away things. I should feel better, but I don't.

Just completed my first peach days weekend without Mardi and tonight a team coach for gymnastics quit immediately via phone. I called and asked her reasons which are as follows.

-We are not treating our customers very well or keeping our word to them.
-She gets paid too little.
-She doesn't have a car to come over.
-Her class she was coaching this summer was too hard and the cheer coach told her we couldn't get another coach because the girls don't pay enough.
-We charged the parents too much for leos
-We don't have good enough bars for the girls - they are being held back.
-We need a spring floor to help them get their skills
-We don't invest enough in our facility
-It's better when the owner is out there coaching so they know what is going on
-She doesn't like drama
-She doesn't know what to say to parents when they have questions
-Another coach told her that he made more than her
-She doesn't want to be involved in conversations when she has no control over outcomes.

All of this is the first time I've heard of any of it. Talk about a shocker. This on top of an email I got Friday night from 6 of the team parents.

Did I mention it was Peach Days? Those girls didn't even come to the Parade. Ally texted saturday morning saying she couldn't come.

So I went in tonight to post the jobs. This on top of a preschool teacher who suddenly quit because she got a different job for more money. Also a Jr gym coach who we offered a job and arranged a schedule and she wouldn't reply back yes or no for the job. AND a coach who can't teach 2 of the 4 days she was scheduled and now can't finish her shift on one of the days she can work.

So my decision is that I want to go and work at a gas station. I want to push buttons. Say Hi and Bye. The emotional and mental stress of this job is too high right now. No solutions but it really is too much to bear. What to do?

Still need to meet with these parents. Need to email them that we are down a coach AGAIN. Still need to find 4 coaches and take care of the other 100's of rec kids and work on our reputation for quality and fairness. I need to figure out a way to pay the coaches more and stay in business.

I need to feel qualified and that I can do this job. I need to feel like it's worth leaving my kids and my house to do this job. I need to feel like this is not my fault.

I'm just so sad. It started today at church and the loneliness was overwhelming and all encompassing. I feel alone in my house, in my church, at work, and family. It don't feel God. I don't feel....It's just empty. All I have is other people's feelings being poured into me and I have no idea where mine are any more. I have no idea if I can feel or it all might go to hell - even more than what it is.

Last year I wanted to make myself a priority and I couldn't make it happen. This year I wanted to mend my relationship with God, but how do I do that when I can't see or feel him an the emptiness is crippling.

What to do. How to go forward. It's uncertain. I'm uncertain. Life is uncertain and that is the only certain thing I know. My sadness is intense and I'm unsure it will end and even more afraid that I don't know how to make any of these changes. That is the part that scares me the most.