Action is Motivation

Today I didn't want to go to work. I slept (not a completely accurate description) in Jude's bed since he was in with DJ. Gable is squeaky on the top bunk. His pillow is SO HARD, and my feet were hot. Gable wet his bed. Jude started crying at 6am. Went back to sleep at 7 and I thought I was going to make it happen but no he woke back up at 8 and holy hell he has been the grumpiest baby EVER.

I got to work and realized DarLa was going to need to go home as well to be with her sick kiddo so I hunkered down and started making a big floor schedule. After talking with Mardi I feel like I'm the right track and my concerns are valid. This means I will need to have a serious discussion with Sam - hopefully tomorrow.

It is not going to be easy or comfortable but it is necessary. The decline of other program has happened because of the increase of cheer, but we are topped out there so we need to find the balance.

Just starting with action created the motivation needed to continue. Don't know why those first steps, those first thoughts, first push is so hard. Like rolling a car - once you get it going it's so easy to keep the movement once it's started. Need to remember that - Just start. It will get easier - no matter how hard it is to start.

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Living in My Head

Lots going on and I haven't journaled which means I am not sleeping. Tonight will be the last straw because Jude is in my bed sleeping.

Today I felt like I was picking on cheer. I didn't mean to. It wasn't intentional. Today my focus was on another program and cheer was unintentionally making it hard for me to do my job.

I feel that cheer takes advantage of The Peak. They demand their way and usually end up getting it. They take the most time to manage, keep happy, and pick up after. It's frustrating. I realize they are not meaning to be BUT they are!

-They demand to use the big floor for a continuous hour which means that those classes never get to use it.
-The stop the gym music to do their routine and then don't start it again.
-Their kids bring their personal items into the gym and leave them for everyone to trip over the rest of the night.
-They can't use the water fountain like everyone else and I pick their water bottles up every morning because neither them or their coaches do
-I pick up their coaches coats and shoes daily.
-The leave their stuff all over the lobby and don't watch their kids who cause havoc
-They don't want to join in warm ups and make a big deal when asked
-The love to show all their stuff off in front of all the other parents which then makes other parents/kids left out fiiz, doughnuts etc...

So what to do? I need to talk with Sam and Abby about it. Listen to their concerns and then come up with a plan. Too bad they are hardest ones to talk to right now.

So set it up for Friday right?

Feelings - Buried Alive Never Die

Happy 2020, but I have some major mind games going on all going back to a "family meeting" called by Jami at the Baxter Christmas party to discuss the plans for reunions from now on. I HATE these kinds of discussions because they are never fair or equal. They are never in my favor and my opinion is never valued. This one was no different and I haven't talked to anyone but Jesse since then. I have not answered calls. I have not answered texts. I have changed our bday traditions all to avoid family. I have changed my focus to match those of my siblings and at this point I am only going to worry about my own immediate family's wants and desires so the rest be damned. This is hard because I inherently think of what is good for the whole first and me second. I believe that is what makes me a good leader and manager, but provably what makes me a bad mom so there you go.

My emotions were so screwed up that when I got pulled over for a headlight being out the officer asked if I needed an escort home because I was crying so hard. It messed with my head that I lost it the next day with Hazel and got very physical and angry at her. My family and myself suffered because of these feeling and they still are.

Right now the kids are down playing with DJ and I'm up trying to rid myself of these emotions so I can be a person again. So I don't avoid them and interacting with them. So I can love them without the fear of them turning on me or hurting my feelings. Right now I have no love to give to anyone including myself. I have stuffed so much down inside that I'm afraid it will bubble up. I'm afraid I"m going to loose it with the kids. I'm dead inside. I have nothing to offer and merely surviving right now.

I hate not feeling and I hate the results of feeling. There is no happy medium. I can't seem to find a foot hold anywhere to get a leg up.

Is this the life I want to live? Hell no. So next question is what kind of life do I want to live?
I want to feel JOY
I want to ACCEPT my Saviors love.
I want to RECOGNIZE God's hand daily
I want to show LOVE to my family
I want to have AFFECTION for all my family members.
I want to be PASSIONATELY in love with DJ
I wan to experience CONFIDENCE not just fake it
I want to have CALM in my mind and spirit
I want to feel PEACE after hard situations
I want to find DIRECTION when seeking guidance
I want to know my WORTH and remember it when I waiver
I want my body to be a STRONG tool to live this life as I wish
I want my NEEDS to be a priority
I want my TALENTS to be utilized

The how is the hard part. I really think that I need to get into therapy. I need to do some research and find a way to get rid of these feelings that are holding me in the past. This is the first step.