Happy 2020, but I have some major mind games going on all going back to a "family meeting" called by Jami at the Baxter Christmas party to discuss the plans for reunions from now on. I HATE these kinds of discussions because they are never fair or equal. They are never in my favor and my opinion is never valued. This one was no different and I haven't talked to anyone but Jesse since then. I have not answered calls. I have not answered texts. I have changed our bday traditions all to avoid family. I have changed my focus to match those of my siblings and at this point I am only going to worry about my own immediate family's wants and desires so the rest be damned. This is hard because I inherently think of what is good for the whole first and me second. I believe that is what makes me a good leader and manager, but provably what makes me a bad mom so there you go.
My emotions were so screwed up that when I got pulled over for a headlight being out the officer asked if I needed an escort home because I was crying so hard. It messed with my head that I lost it the next day with Hazel and got very physical and angry at her. My family and myself suffered because of these feeling and they still are.
Right now the kids are down playing with DJ and I'm up trying to rid myself of these emotions so I can be a person again. So I don't avoid them and interacting with them. So I can love them without the fear of them turning on me or hurting my feelings. Right now I have no love to give to anyone including myself. I have stuffed so much down inside that I'm afraid it will bubble up. I'm afraid I"m going to loose it with the kids. I'm dead inside. I have nothing to offer and merely surviving right now.
I hate not feeling and I hate the results of feeling. There is no happy medium. I can't seem to find a foot hold anywhere to get a leg up.
Is this the life I want to live? Hell no. So next question is what kind of life do I want to live?
I want to feel JOY
I want to ACCEPT my Saviors love.
I want to RECOGNIZE God's hand daily
I want to show LOVE to my family
I want to have AFFECTION for all my family members.
I want to be PASSIONATELY in love with DJ
I wan to experience CONFIDENCE not just fake it
I want to have CALM in my mind and spirit
I want to feel PEACE after hard situations
I want to find DIRECTION when seeking guidance
I want to know my WORTH and remember it when I waiver
I want my body to be a STRONG tool to live this life as I wish
I want my NEEDS to be a priority
I want my TALENTS to be utilized
The how is the hard part. I really think that I need to get into therapy. I need to do some research and find a way to get rid of these feelings that are holding me in the past. This is the first step.
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