Feelings

"What kinds of feelings am I feeling right now? What kind of metaphors can I find to describe my feelings?"

Well right now I am feeling sick - Jude barfed - mostly I think because he will not poop but non-the-less the red juice barf and stomach acid went all over the newly changed sheets that I just changed because he had leaked through so many times the whole room was smelling like urine.

So I feel queasy. I don't react well to vomit. I realize it is going to continue to happen but I still don't handle it well.

Gable was screaming - Jude was screaming - Poppy was crying - Hazel was avoiding the whole thing. I can also feel a bit of humor right now but mostly wanting to avoid as well so that I can stay in the moment rather than wondering if another child is going to show up to the side of my bed and finally get me tonight.

I'm not great at metaphors. I would rather say what I mean instead of shrouding it and hoping it might be interpreted correctly.

I also feel FREEDOM - It's 10:36 and it's finally me time. Kids are in bed - Dj's got the vomit monster. I've walked and now I'm writing. It's a magical time for me. One that I haven't been able to give up for the last 12 years. I like staying up late - more than I want to get up and get stuff done early in the morning.

I also feel just tired - always tired. so much absorbing of others that it's hard to find my real feelings inside somewhere as well.