Defeated?

I find that when Im feeling the most in control that something inevitably comes along to knock me down into another new low. Today Jen told me "Not to let the world change me because I was meant to change the world." New outlook. New vision. New ideas to inspitre. Feeling like being myself is enough.... then comes Mardi. We had even taken time to make her little and give her back to The Savior and she comes raging back in.

She is one of a handful of people that makes me feel small as a leader. She contradicts almost everything. She wants better quality but in the same breath says I expect too much.
She wants more 1-1 time, but wants to cut on payroll.
Is grateful for the changes, but cautions me about giving too many things to do.
Give words of appreciation and positivity - but never offers it herself.
She says I don't give enough credit or praise, but never takes the time to find out when I am giving it.

I really need to find a job that is more positive for my mental health. I am not going to win or impress Mardi ever. I know that she cannot be convinced to change her expectations. She cares only what will serve her and her causes. There is no overreaching goal, purpose or greater good. She gets to do her, but I somehow need to find a better way to do me. A way where I feel like I am making a difference and am appreciated. A place where I am not defeated at every turn and made to feel like "the problem."

I want to surround myself with people who are working towards something bigger than ourselves. People who want to try new things and work hard and fail hard. People who are feel safe and not worried about disapointing people. I want to be with people who are there to make the world better who want to exist at a 10 or at least not content with staying at a 7 and keeping others there too.

It's time to continue to make The Peak and Mardi small and to look for my new BIG adventure no matter where it may lead and what inconvenience it will leave behind.

The Heavy Weight of Ingratitude

 Today I am feeling the weight of people's lack of gratitude and not having my efforts seen or appreciated. It started out with pool not being opened and me contacting Melissa to let her know. No thank you there. I arrived early and went to help set out the deck and Mardi completely ignored me. No thank you for jumping in or noticing to checking the cameras. Just irritation that she had to come and do it. 

No thank you from Melissa for catching it or letting her know or for coming in early myself. She certainly didn't make the effort to come even though it is her Dept. No you were right when I tried to get her to get someone new last week. No thank you for ordering printer toner even though that is not my job. 

No thank you from coaches for coming in and giving feedback. No thank you from marketing for posting kids camp and cheer. Doing the job they should be doing on social. No thank you for checking on staff spotlights missing or for updating the Edgar.

Small thank you from the siblings for helping mom and dad. No replies are so insulting and irritating. It's easy to live far away. Yes choices, but when do they decide it's their turn to fill in the blanks.

No thank you from Gable for going to his game. No thank you for coming back home so he could find his mitt. No thank you for remembering where he last used it so he could find it. No thank you from Poppy for finding something that might help her chaffing thighs. No thank you for cutting the boys hair. No thank you from DJ for again taking care of all the things at home while he works on the boat that Poppy broke getting ready for her party on Saturday. 

No thank you for the hamburgers that was purchased and was an ordeal to get. No thank you from hazel for paying for cheer things just to have her DI them because she didn't like the way they fit.

I'm not sure how to continue to do all the un noticed work and hold the burden of the weight of never being able to hand it off or feeling like I'm doing enough or a good enough job. It's just a lot right now and makes me question why I try so hard and continue to do my best to do it in a happy manner. Ready to check out and take care of myself only. Spend my money and my time on myself. Do things that make me happy. Would be an interesting test to try.

When alone...do as in Rome?

 DJ went to St. George this weekend. He left on Thursday night to go to a professional sky ski competitiom. He needed to go. He has been really grumpy and sad. Her needs to get go and do these things, but it is hard to maintain my happiness and general ok-ness when he does.

I had to go to Jude's student conference, watch Hazel's 1/2 time, help prep for Poppy's party, go work a gymnastics competition, send hazel off on her Sadie's date, and in general take care of the house, and the weekend so I eat... I have eaten cookies, ice cream, sodas etc... I know I'm doing it because DJ is gone and I'm angry/frustrated with my situation. I see food as my only entertainmnet when this happens.

I tried to find a hotel for us to go away wiht DJ this upcoming weekend and the dang Jonas Brothers concert is Saturday and apparently everyone wants to spend the night so hotels are $200-$300 which I am not super fond of paying.

I want to have a romantic weekend but I also don't want to plan it myself - just like everyother part of my life. I know I watch too many movies, and read too many books, but I am looking to feel and experience more but I feel so limited with time, money, and kids schedules.

So what to do.... find something enjoyable to do when he is gone so that food isn't what I turn to. I also need to somehow communicate my needs with DJ so that I don't resent him for taking care of his needs.

Why make a plan?

Today is one of those days I'm not sure why I try and make a plan. I am not a camper. I never went camping as a kid that I can ever remember. I slept on in a tent at girls camp and in our back yard. This is not an activity that comes 2nd nature to me. I've tried to make this a possible way for our family to enjoy some time away from the everyday. I have remade a popup trailer to the best level of comfort and fun as I could do. 

This year we haven't been out camping once. Not one time in the 4 months of limited camping season that is coming to an end. I have tried and tried to make it happen, but I cannot and will not do it all. I have put DJ in charge and he either never decides where or when to go. This week I have triend to prepare and habe DJ come up with a plan. Today I went and hooked up the trailer myself. I shopped for the needed items. I packed the necessities. Made the kids a packing list. Did everything I could do besides loading up the bikes. 

DJ got home at 7:10 and it is now 11:05. I took him 2+ hours to get the 5 bikes torn apart and on the rack with the trailer. Had to take all the tires off and it still rubs when turning tight. He forgot to bring ice home and now has to extend the electrical so we can have lights.

It's just one of those things that I'm not sure what to do with. The boys had school. Poppy had her long awaited Dr. appt. Hazel had cheer. Poppy was babysitting and here I am. In my bed, when I had hoped to be by a fire or wathing a movie outside.

Its fine, but still dissapointing. Not sure how to deal with things when they happen like this -which seems all too often the case. Guess I'll just keep trying and hope to get out there tomorrow.

 

Am I ever going to get ahead?

 August 29, 2023

It's been another long summer at The Peak. Not a good one and people have again left - unhappy with me and I am tired. I try to get in good head and heart space and it just seems that its really hard to stay there. Right now it feels futile. That I will never get ahead in life. That things will never work out as I would like. I will never have an easier and more fulfilling life. I'll never have the time to do the things I really want to do. It seems impossible to have enough money to live comfortably or without worry. Passive income is a dream and I'm living in a daily nightmare.

I don't want to talk or meet with friends. I don't want to return phone calls. I want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. Church is hard. Primary is hard. My marriage is back and forth. The kids are always fighting or mad at me. I'm failing at all the things I'm striving to succeed at. I can't loose weight. I find no joy in exercise. I'm tired. I'm just so very alone in my head and my heart is grey and cold. ''

I want so much. I want peace. I want joy. I want contentement...... all seem constatnyl out of reach. I keep trying to make the next right step and even falter there. I do keep walking, but thinking about trudging thisese paths for another 40 years makes me want to end things now. The path looks just deeper, and more warn as I look ahead. If this is my path, my chosen road, a result of my covenants then I have lots of questions amd I am also afraid of the answers. I don't know that I can happily continue on this path. 

The energy doesn't come easy or fast enought and I am no longer sustained by it's fleeting moments. What to do. What to do. Guess that really is the question. 

No One Takes Care of Me

 I am exhausted. I am so angry. I am tired of taking care of all the things and no one things to take care of me. DJ's form of taking care of me is to leave me be which isn't helpful when there are so many things inside that are hurting and making me feel alone. He is a great dad but he is not a great husband. There is a difference. He loves to play with the kids. He will get out of bed early to go sleep in the new trailer with them, but that leaves me waking up alone. Today I really needed his support and love. I needed a blessing but he was no where to be found. Great that he got the kids ready - all that takes is doing the boys hair and making sure teeth are brushed. No one ever makes sure I am ready.

Today I'm trying to do singing time. I really don't want to do this calling. I really don't want to sing - I can't so why did I say yes. I want to take care of less kids - not more. I feel like the success of so many are resting upon my shoulders. I need a break. I need time away and I need someone to take care of me.

I had horrible things written about me yesterday. I was imperfect and they pointed out each imperfection. I know my faults all too well and I know when I make a mistake, but I feel the difference between me and others is that I don't like to linger on mistakes. I would rather move along quickly and no one even seems to know why my mistake was made.

I'm thinking it is time for a change. What that is - I'm not quite sure. All I know is that my unhappiness far outweighs my joy.

Forget about the numbers

 Today I will forget about the numbers. I will not give them the place to reside in contentment or resentment. Today they are merely a monitor. Today I didn't go work out and it was also ok. Sleep was important. Husband time last night was important. My connection to other people was important. Jude's birthday weekend was important. It's the last 5th birthday in our household. No need to mourn it, but it was something to celebrate! Not something I wanted to cince my way through.

Best thing about today is that I feel no guilt about any number or any decision. I know that the numbers will change here in a few days and I can work on understanding my body in this reverse and healing it to a proper state that I can successfully function in.

I also have decided the first hour of work is for my mind to unload before I take more in. First coaching call of this bridge group is in 30 minutes and I'm taking the time to write it all out so I can make good use of my time while in it. 

For a Monday the outlook is remarkably happy and bright. It's a warmer day. It's the last Monday before spring break and my coaches are here. They are excited and we have so much to look forward to.

Here's to peace and joy this week. Celebrating and making choices based upon real, and not imagined thoughts. Here's to being 4/5 years old and joyfully using my body and eating for fuel and stopping when I'm done. Living in the moment and finding joy each time I look around.