Putting it Together

I'm not sure why events lead to my deep need to write. The need is palpable and I itch to get my finger on the letters to make sense of what is going on in the chaos 

FEAR... the worst 4 letter word out there.

Fear is one of those dreaded 4 letter words. Is it funny that we fear FEAR. This is an intangible item that cannot be touched, but touches us all. We use it as a motivator, a scare tactic, a way to embarrass, or as a means to an end.

I HATE FEAR!
I hate feeling fear, I hate using it as a means to an end, and I hate when it creeps into my life.

I just went to the dr today about my left arm. I haven't felt my fingers for 2 weeks. It was time. I fear the dr. It has been a long time since I have had any good news there:  Back, feet, tonsils, breathing, allergies, miscarriage. It hasn't been a good couple of years. Each time as I sit there and hear the diagnosis the fear creeps back in. I knew that the baby was not good - silence breeds fear. I knew my neck was not an easy fix, not knowing what method will work spreads fear. Wondering if I will ever be able to be active and do the things I want to do - consumes me with fear.

I remember being little and walking to the outdoor freezer in the dark to get the ice cream since my older siblings were scared to do it. I relished this accomplishment. I would boldly walk out grab the ice cream turn around and walk back to the door. I almost make it without fear every time, but those last 4-5 steps always got to me. I could only hold the fear for so long. Not knowing what was coming up from behind me would make my heart race and my steps come faster.

This haven't changed much. The surprise attack of the unexpected still get to me. I candace things that I can see and prepare for, but the ones that come unexpectedly from the unknown slithering back the hated response.... FEAR

PAIN

The past 2 weeks I have had the most horrible pain in my arm and shoulder. It's never-ending ache has been all consuming. My pointer and middle finger have been numb. I have no idea when or where the injury happened. Last night I cried from the pain which is not a normal thing for me. Physical pain I usually get over quite quickly and my first reaction is usually anger so last night's release was unexpected, but it got me thinking about pain.

Pain is the body's conversation piece. It is a status button and mine has been going off for two weeks and I am finally giving into the message and go to the dr tomorrow. The mental, spiritual, and emotional pain however has been signaling for even longer. I wonder why I ignore it? I wonder why the intermittent tears don't warrant further investigation? I don't understand this pain anymore than I do the physical pain I'm in.

The fear of what is wrong with my arm has prompted me into action. The long term effects are concerning, but the emotional pain is still underlying and untreated. Is the fear of the diagnosis so much more concerning than dealing with that pain. I wonder how bad it will get before it is treated?

It's all a little bit fuzzy...

The sense is blurry now. It has been for quite sometime if I really think about it. I can't seem to get things clear. The last frames of time have been with huge highs and low lows. Extreme light and intense darkness.  I'm not sure when it's been this out of focus. I really can't.  I'm not even sure how to restore the view. Seems that nothing is working right now. Focusing on the good is simply not creating the lasting change of view I need.

The seclusion I feel is overwhelming and welcomed all at the same time. I don't have the energy or mind space to deal with others. The suspicion of motives is constant and the instinct to spot injustice is keen. I'm not sure where or when the shift happened, but I can't seem to slide it back into place.

I'm simply unhappy. I feel the confidence, joy, and belief has been sucked right out of me. This is an injury to insult, because those are the things that usually get me through sad times. I dread doing anything because it is never good enough. Something gets damaged, or some blemish comes through and all my work is for naught. Never is close to perfection ever attained no matter how hard I try or how carefully I am. Why?.... simply doing my best and something always is apparent to show that the best is never good enough.

The lack of any appreciation in all my endeavors has dried up my abilities to do the simplest tasks. I go everyday to a job where I am penalized for speaking my mind. Where my skills are minimized to the extent that I no longer do 1/2 the jobs I did 3 years ago and every idea is marginalized and discarded. I have never felt more worthless in a professional endeavor. If the option to leave was really ever an option I would, but it's not available. My children, my husband, his job, our finances have me held hostage to spend 15+ hours in a hostile environment so they get the lessons they want, the bills get the money they need, the deficit in my husband's paycheck are all provided for. Meanwhile I have nothing to give myself and my confidence is being whittled away day by day to the point where I doubt myself, dislike myself, grudge them, and envy others in every situation.

The Last Time... For the Very Last Time

Tonight I was hit with the reality that I might have held my last baby for the very last time. There may be no others. The problem with never making plans is that you have no plan to prep your self to know these things. The last time might have been the last time and you had no idea of it's significance. You didn't remind yourself to relish that moment. You didn't tell yourself to remember that noise... your crying baby because you will never hear it again. I didn't think it was the last, but what if it was. I had no idea the loss would be so great. The void would feel like a chasam and my heart would break for what I may never have again. The last time may have passed without my knowing or concent. Now what?

You Walked Away

It's 8:15 am and I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. Nobody's fault simply working on the many projects that occupy my mind. I try and work these insane hours so that I spend more time with the littles. I don't know that it is accurate. I feel like I am always working. There is no escape but this morning I saw you be so brave. My brave little Poppy:  Clear, to the point, and direct. You are not one for many words. You say what needs to be said and never more. You sat in the big patient chair all by yourself, and I've never been so proud, and sad at the same time. I was so impressed you could be mature enough to sit and answer and listen, but I knew that while you still wanted me there, you did not need me. Yes, they asked me the year you were born because you have no idea what that means, but hey, I can barely remember it and I was coherent when it happened.

I saw you say your "yes", and "no" and saw your big eyes express your feelings like they always do. I'm afriad my dear that you will have a hard time hiding those feelings that wash over you. Those enormous eyes speak volumes and they are what had me come over after the 3rd doctor left to hold you before you left with strangers you trust.

No wagon for the no non-sense Poppy Mae. She will just walk thank you very much. We walked and then I had to stay. My love that was the hardest leave I've had with you so far. You never need me, you often want me, but today neither mattered because it was not allowed. You looked at me and then kept walking. You walked away from me and I watched. It will never be the same. You will continue walking away from me and today I just realized that you have been inching your way for sometime, but it's becoming more obvious that you are on your way, on your own terms. You are living your life and know your mind. I am just a by standard now - hoping the eyes will seek me out, but for now I just wait.

Life Happens...

The last 5 weeks the lyrics "Life is what happens when you're busy as making other plans," has been the watchword. This song is Gable's song but this portion has rung through my ears. December 24, 2015 instead of getting a 2nd bunion removed I was handed a positive pregnancy test. Today, January 23, 2016, instead of a due date I was told no heartbeat... expect to miscarry sometime soon. Baby only survived 7 weeks.

Plans were in motion. Sleeping arrangements had been thought of. Workroom was getting cleaned out. Ironing boards had new homes. Beds were getting arranged. Closets reworked. Projects thought of. Disappointment  of not getting the surgery had been put aside in the wake of such surprising and exciting news.... then the news changed again today.

"Should be a heartbeat....." I should have had a new baby in August. Now I should have this miscarriage... then I can get pregnant. What happened? Provably something genetic. Why hasn't it vacated... don't know. Should happen sometime soon.

Other plans... now what to try and plan? No plans... even the no plans don't pan out. Don't even have DJ due to an argument last night. No words to help him. Go on as normal even though the normal had been adjusted to the new pregnancy normal. Prenatal vitamins, no extra Vitamin A, no scheduled surgery, weight watching, no teeth bleaching, adjustments had been made. Now new adjustments to make.

Stay close to home, it can happen any time. Be watchful in case you bleed too much. Cramping is going to hurt. You can just flush or whatever you are most comfortable with. Tissue will evacuate. You may see a baby if you look...... Do you want the ultrasound picture? No I can't look, no thank you to the picture is confusing to me.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.... again.