"What kinds of feelings am I feeling right now? What kind of metaphors can I find to describe my feelings?"
Well right now I am feeling sick - Jude barfed - mostly I think because he will not poop but non-the-less the red juice barf and stomach acid went all over the newly changed sheets that I just changed because he had leaked through so many times the whole room was smelling like urine.
So I feel queasy. I don't react well to vomit. I realize it is going to continue to happen but I still don't handle it well.
Gable was screaming - Jude was screaming - Poppy was crying - Hazel was avoiding the whole thing. I can also feel a bit of humor right now but mostly wanting to avoid as well so that I can stay in the moment rather than wondering if another child is going to show up to the side of my bed and finally get me tonight.
I'm not great at metaphors. I would rather say what I mean instead of shrouding it and hoping it might be interpreted correctly.
I also feel FREEDOM - It's 10:36 and it's finally me time. Kids are in bed - Dj's got the vomit monster. I've walked and now I'm writing. It's a magical time for me. One that I haven't been able to give up for the last 12 years. I like staying up late - more than I want to get up and get stuff done early in the morning.
I also feel just tired - always tired. so much absorbing of others that it's hard to find my real feelings inside somewhere as well.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Fear
What is my worst fear and how does it limit my possibilities in life?
I am not much of a fear based person. I'm a fight not flight person. I get nervous about many things. I get nervous when the kids throw up (mostly because I'm afraid I might get it). I get nervous when they get their barkey croup cough. I get nervous when they don't answer the phones. I get nervous about job meetings with Mardi (yes there is one on Thursday). I get nervous about money and all those things.
My biggest fear is that I am not important enough. This is so hard to explain, but I fear that I am not accomplishing big and important things in the world. I fear that I've let people who expected/saw big things for me are now disappointed. I fear that by loosing myself in my kids and family that I am loosing me and my hopes and dreams.
The problem with this is that importance is all based upon other's people's opinion which I have no control over. Importance is based upon general acceptance and common consent.
The pull in my life is so intense everyday. I dearly love this little kids and the people they are claiming to be. I love to advocate for them and those like them. I love/hate running them everywhere so they can succeed and learn. I also love doing most of what I do at The Peak. I love building teams and seeing them succeed. I enjoy watching them learn and leading them and then stepping aside for them to get the applause.
These two loves pull me apart everyday and leave no time to for me to feel much of anything for myself. I'm absorbing everyone else's feelings that it's hard to feel for myself and then follow them. The lack of balance and running hard for everyone else is limiting me to see what else is open for me. The fear of looking is hard as well.
I am not much of a fear based person. I'm a fight not flight person. I get nervous about many things. I get nervous when the kids throw up (mostly because I'm afraid I might get it). I get nervous when they get their barkey croup cough. I get nervous when they don't answer the phones. I get nervous about job meetings with Mardi (yes there is one on Thursday). I get nervous about money and all those things.
My biggest fear is that I am not important enough. This is so hard to explain, but I fear that I am not accomplishing big and important things in the world. I fear that I've let people who expected/saw big things for me are now disappointed. I fear that by loosing myself in my kids and family that I am loosing me and my hopes and dreams.
The problem with this is that importance is all based upon other's people's opinion which I have no control over. Importance is based upon general acceptance and common consent.
The pull in my life is so intense everyday. I dearly love this little kids and the people they are claiming to be. I love to advocate for them and those like them. I love/hate running them everywhere so they can succeed and learn. I also love doing most of what I do at The Peak. I love building teams and seeing them succeed. I enjoy watching them learn and leading them and then stepping aside for them to get the applause.
These two loves pull me apart everyday and leave no time to for me to feel much of anything for myself. I'm absorbing everyone else's feelings that it's hard to feel for myself and then follow them. The lack of balance and running hard for everyone else is limiting me to see what else is open for me. The fear of looking is hard as well.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Love
Today's question - What does love mean to me?
Ughh.... I must be at a stage in life where love is just an annoying word. Love in the general terms is a feeling, but in my current life and situation- love NEEDS to be an ACTION. I need love shown to me more than I need the silly feelings that I used to dream up.
Love is
- picking up socks on the ground
-doing the dishes
- saying thank you
- making time for me to be alone
- finding something to do that I will really enjoy
- love is these 4 crazies that drive me crazy
- it's allowing me to sleep
-it's finishing long overdue projects
Love means thinking of the bigger picture and wondering how it will best serve the other person.
Love means doing more than feeling.
Ughh.... I must be at a stage in life where love is just an annoying word. Love in the general terms is a feeling, but in my current life and situation- love NEEDS to be an ACTION. I need love shown to me more than I need the silly feelings that I used to dream up.
Love is
- picking up socks on the ground
-doing the dishes
- saying thank you
- making time for me to be alone
- finding something to do that I will really enjoy
- love is these 4 crazies that drive me crazy
- it's allowing me to sleep
-it's finishing long overdue projects
Love means thinking of the bigger picture and wondering how it will best serve the other person.
Love means doing more than feeling.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Avoidance
Today's Question:
"What kids of situations do I avoid and what does this evasion say about my previous experience or beliefs?"
Funny that this one would come up since I argued with Jami and Barbie on Friday about this very thing. I avoid trying to plan and take charge of family events or functions I try not to even have an opinion. I only show up to be told what to do which I now realize is very passive aggressive, but also seems to me to be the only way I don't get my feelings hurt and allows peace to be kept.
This is a direct result of years of feeling like no one listens to me or ever does what I want or suggest. I have very vivid memories of suggesting something only to have it latter suggested or claimed by Barbie and everyone applauds her for the thought. I have not imagined them. I have not made them up in my head. They have and will continue to be real. She is honey an I can be vinegar. Always has been that way. Not sure how it happened, but sides where claimed and personalities formed.
I have always felt left out and on the fringe of the family. Lesser importance than the others. Hard to know my place. Maybe even a little less loved than the others.
The thing that I need to realize and accept as truth is that no one is trying to make me feel that way. They are trying to include me. The do love me the best they can. They also are trying to figure me out as much as I am trying to figure myself out. Grace to them and myself is what is required and what is needed.
"What kids of situations do I avoid and what does this evasion say about my previous experience or beliefs?"
Funny that this one would come up since I argued with Jami and Barbie on Friday about this very thing. I avoid trying to plan and take charge of family events or functions I try not to even have an opinion. I only show up to be told what to do which I now realize is very passive aggressive, but also seems to me to be the only way I don't get my feelings hurt and allows peace to be kept.
This is a direct result of years of feeling like no one listens to me or ever does what I want or suggest. I have very vivid memories of suggesting something only to have it latter suggested or claimed by Barbie and everyone applauds her for the thought. I have not imagined them. I have not made them up in my head. They have and will continue to be real. She is honey an I can be vinegar. Always has been that way. Not sure how it happened, but sides where claimed and personalities formed.
I have always felt left out and on the fringe of the family. Lesser importance than the others. Hard to know my place. Maybe even a little less loved than the others.
The thing that I need to realize and accept as truth is that no one is trying to make me feel that way. They are trying to include me. The do love me the best they can. They also are trying to figure me out as much as I am trying to figure myself out. Grace to them and myself is what is required and what is needed.
Monday, November 4, 2019
What is My Mission in Life
So I have new conviction and ambition that has been in my blood since this weekend. Not sure exactly where it came from or what prompted it but I am loving it! I have 2 months to a new year and a me that more fully represents who I want to be.
I taking some heavy measures with Poppy and focusing hard and long, throwing anything I can at her for her improvement and happiness and I think it has made me feel that I need to do myself what I am expecting her to do for herself. So here I go . Everyday I do 1 thing that focuses on my spirit, my body, and my mind. I wrote it on my mirror and am happy to announce that today I got all 3 in.
For my mind Im using the journal prompts I bought 1.5 years ago and today's question is what is my mission in life, and could I have started with a harder question?
This really is what is bothering me. What am I doing with my life? Am I living up to my potential and expectations of where I want to be? My answer to the first is - Winging it every day. The answer to the 2nd is Nada. Which breads the question of why? Why do I feel so out of control. Is it 4 kids - obviously yes, but that really is putting the blame on them and that's not fair. Is it because I work full time - yes, but still not good enough.
Maybe the feeling is the problem and not the situation. Maybe the expectation is damaging instead of inspiring. So to answer what is my mission in life - Today with 2 more months before I turn 39...
My mission is to change the world to a more joyous place through little things.
My mission is to make everyone feel better leaving me than when the came.
My mission is to LOVE my kids into wholeness no matter my personal daemons.
My mission is to share God's love whenever possible.
My mission is to LOVE myself so I can accept the love of others.
My mission is to do my best everyday and then try harder tomorrow.
My mission is to leave judgement out of any equation and to find the good that always is there.
My mission is to feel - not numb and to follow the feelings confidently.
My mission is to be happy being me, having my life, and content in my situation.
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