Imagine hearing U2's Bono singing DESIIIIIRE with the amazing/talented Edge serenading with the electric guitar in the background. That is about as much as I've got for that word right now. I am completely devoid of desire in all fronts. My work, my business, my body, my life, my marriage, my kids.... all of it is in a dangerous recession. I think this may be because I desire TO DO SO MUCH. The thoughts and the real and true desires are so completely overwhelming and consuming that they burn fast like hair (I know this personally but that is a WHOLE other story). I'm a flash in the pan type of desire. I CANNOT for love - $ - success keep my desires up and functioning.
I have so much desire that is unfulfilled that I simply cannot desire anything else. Its tragic in a way because I WANT it so bad. The desire.. to have desire.... is about as exhausting as all the un-manifested desires I have. This cycle is too much. Too Busy. Too Needy. Too Heavy. Too Hard. Will it end? And here goes.... how can I make it end? Doesn't that take desire? So here I stand with my head in hand wondering...
I desire SLEEP. I NEED sleep. I LOVE sleep and I used to forgo sleep to feed my desire. What changed? Kids changed it, but #3 did me in. I am tired. Too tired to do anything but internet shop. I am in debt with money. I'm in debt to my passions. I am in debt to personal success, my body, my business, my creativity, but all I want to do is sleep. I used to not be able to sleep because that desire kept me going. I used to thrive on 4-6 hours of sleep. Now I need 8 to make it through the day and for DJ to be home by 7:30 to take over before I loose it all.
What put out the flame? Did I do it? Did I let go when I should have held on, but how when holding onto the MUSTS takes everything within me? Sleep is the only answer right now. I need it. I long for it. I dream of sleeping until I decide to wake up and in turn sleeping when my body asks for it. Sleep for now is my only desire and I must give in and put all desires to bed with me.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Sitting
Why is the act of sitting feel so damn good. I often wonder at this wondrous act. I love to sit. I wish I loved to run and do important things as much as I simply love to sit and think of nothing and soak up the silliness of dumb TV and just sit.
It's been a long day; Work, Preschool, Lunch, Nap, Reading, IG/ReFiNDing, Dance, Gym, Grocery Shopping, Paint Picking, Working, Unloading, DI Finding, Dinner, Parent Teachers, Book Fair, Cheer, HOA Meeting. I think that is it. I judge my ability to wake up and run based upon how much will be going on that day and if I think I will have enough energy to make it through the day minus the calories and extra sleep that it takes to run in the morning.
I think I have learned to appreciate sitting this past year with my back problems being what they are. I can't sit more than 10 minutes without the ache going down my leg. Sitting also leads to hunched standing and hobbled walking. I miss sitting without constant adjustment.
Sitting is finally giving up and giving in. When I sit it means I'm done. It means I made it and it also means leave me be. Is there anything worse than sitting down just to have to get up again? I think this is why I secretly HATE meal time. I swear I never sit down. I also know this is why I can eat an entire 3 course meal in under 10 minutes. That is all the time I have to choke it down before someone needs something. It's just easier to go and take care of it than to try and wrangle the child BACK into the sitting position. Oh if they only knew how much they would miss it.
I'm standing now and really wishing I was sitting... stupid back!
It's been a long day; Work, Preschool, Lunch, Nap, Reading, IG/ReFiNDing, Dance, Gym, Grocery Shopping, Paint Picking, Working, Unloading, DI Finding, Dinner, Parent Teachers, Book Fair, Cheer, HOA Meeting. I think that is it. I judge my ability to wake up and run based upon how much will be going on that day and if I think I will have enough energy to make it through the day minus the calories and extra sleep that it takes to run in the morning.
I think I have learned to appreciate sitting this past year with my back problems being what they are. I can't sit more than 10 minutes without the ache going down my leg. Sitting also leads to hunched standing and hobbled walking. I miss sitting without constant adjustment.
Sitting is finally giving up and giving in. When I sit it means I'm done. It means I made it and it also means leave me be. Is there anything worse than sitting down just to have to get up again? I think this is why I secretly HATE meal time. I swear I never sit down. I also know this is why I can eat an entire 3 course meal in under 10 minutes. That is all the time I have to choke it down before someone needs something. It's just easier to go and take care of it than to try and wrangle the child BACK into the sitting position. Oh if they only knew how much they would miss it.
I'm standing now and really wishing I was sitting... stupid back!
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Confession
After the last post I honestly thought about giving up again. Wondered if this "therapy" was too painful for me and also feared what thoughts and emotions it might conjurer in my littles life later on once they get their hands on this (which they undoubtedly will).
The rest of the week sucked. The life/will/happiness was gone, hoovered right on our of my soul and I was dead and empty. I couldn't even sleep in my bed - punished myself sleeping on the couch which is a big punishment because I buy not for comfort but for the looks that I love. This french provincial tufted sofa IS NOT meant to be slept on! I'm screwed when I'm pregnant again and I knew this and I bought it anyway.
Back to the point... Pain was inherent everywhere I looked, and everything I did, and everything I did and didn't feel. I couldn't escape myself and my FAIL. It was my shadow growing bigger and bigger each time I tried to run from it. I was consumed. I couldn't see anything outside and worst of all I was slipping into the triggers that brought it on the first time. The kids could see it. I know they felt it and they tip toed around me speaking softly, and saying, "I Love You," all in hopes of bringing me back from the "place mama goes."
I have been visiting my "place" often latley and I'm sure they have noticed the increased frequency. They are brilliant in personal perception except when it's time to clean up the house.
DJ tried. He really did try, but I couldn't explain the pain of the Fail. I didn't want to tell him how often it had been happening and how honestly wasn't sure I could stop it. I wanted to keep everyone at a distance for their safely and to keep me from making the same mistakes. I couldn't bear another one. It would be too much.
I told him to cancel the V-day plans I know he was trying to make special. I really tried to be gracious when the kids gave me their card with kind words and bright flowers, but the shadow was eating me from the inside.
I went in my head and got my hands busy. I painted. I got everything off the walls and in the middle and I started to cut the edges. I went to the middle and I was able to create newness. It was a clean light color (far cry from the usual choice). DJ started to help. The progress was being made. The transformation was happening and the shadow got smaller. My mind came back to me. The shadow had loosened its grasp and I could see beyond the Fail. There were other things. There were walls and methods and efforts and change and there was help.
We worked late (no surprise) and got up and started again. It finished. The plans could still happen. Graciousness could be redeemed. Love could be shown, and most of all confession of doubt/fear/sorrow is much easier to do in a car with just 1 other person listening and no where else to go and no one else to listen to.
I now wear a rubber elastic to help snap me into reality (Ahh Jillian Anderson with Netflix The Fall - I might be forever grateful). I snap it a lot. I hope to snap it less. I don't think I will ever go a day with out snapping it but it helps. The simple pain reminds me of my shadow's pain that is just waiting to engulf me. For now I can maintain the shadow's size. I can keep it manageable - in my hands. I can put it aside once it comes to visit and give it little to no attention because these beautiful children of mine need all the attention I have to spare + more.
Hazel just walked down at 12:42 with all her bedding in her arms. Snapping - Snapping - Snapping. Did I mention I just folded ALL THE LAUNDRY. Attention...she's got it. SNAP!
The rest of the week sucked. The life/will/happiness was gone, hoovered right on our of my soul and I was dead and empty. I couldn't even sleep in my bed - punished myself sleeping on the couch which is a big punishment because I buy not for comfort but for the looks that I love. This french provincial tufted sofa IS NOT meant to be slept on! I'm screwed when I'm pregnant again and I knew this and I bought it anyway.
Back to the point... Pain was inherent everywhere I looked, and everything I did, and everything I did and didn't feel. I couldn't escape myself and my FAIL. It was my shadow growing bigger and bigger each time I tried to run from it. I was consumed. I couldn't see anything outside and worst of all I was slipping into the triggers that brought it on the first time. The kids could see it. I know they felt it and they tip toed around me speaking softly, and saying, "I Love You," all in hopes of bringing me back from the "place mama goes."
I have been visiting my "place" often latley and I'm sure they have noticed the increased frequency. They are brilliant in personal perception except when it's time to clean up the house.
DJ tried. He really did try, but I couldn't explain the pain of the Fail. I didn't want to tell him how often it had been happening and how honestly wasn't sure I could stop it. I wanted to keep everyone at a distance for their safely and to keep me from making the same mistakes. I couldn't bear another one. It would be too much.
I told him to cancel the V-day plans I know he was trying to make special. I really tried to be gracious when the kids gave me their card with kind words and bright flowers, but the shadow was eating me from the inside.
I went in my head and got my hands busy. I painted. I got everything off the walls and in the middle and I started to cut the edges. I went to the middle and I was able to create newness. It was a clean light color (far cry from the usual choice). DJ started to help. The progress was being made. The transformation was happening and the shadow got smaller. My mind came back to me. The shadow had loosened its grasp and I could see beyond the Fail. There were other things. There were walls and methods and efforts and change and there was help.
We worked late (no surprise) and got up and started again. It finished. The plans could still happen. Graciousness could be redeemed. Love could be shown, and most of all confession of doubt/fear/sorrow is much easier to do in a car with just 1 other person listening and no where else to go and no one else to listen to.
I now wear a rubber elastic to help snap me into reality (Ahh Jillian Anderson with Netflix The Fall - I might be forever grateful). I snap it a lot. I hope to snap it less. I don't think I will ever go a day with out snapping it but it helps. The simple pain reminds me of my shadow's pain that is just waiting to engulf me. For now I can maintain the shadow's size. I can keep it manageable - in my hands. I can put it aside once it comes to visit and give it little to no attention because these beautiful children of mine need all the attention I have to spare + more.
Hazel just walked down at 12:42 with all her bedding in her arms. Snapping - Snapping - Snapping. Did I mention I just folded ALL THE LAUNDRY. Attention...she's got it. SNAP!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Fail...
So I guess when the posts increase in frequency that is not a good thing. Epic failing happening right and left. Honestly can't keep things standing at this point. It feels like the movie Inception where when the dream ends the buildings start crashing down around and the rubble and debris is everywhere an while you try your damnedest to focus on getting the hell out of the mess you can't help but be distracted by the immense mess and overwhelming mass of stuff all over. All you can think is, "How in the hell did this ALL happen!"
Yep I have not idea how I got here. Things start so small for me. A simple un-followed direction that is repeated 1 too many times and the mental tape holding me together just falls apart and my mind is blown. The wreckage is horrible and my mind sees it all happening and as much as I try and gather the pieces of tape together to piece my mind back together but the explosions keep happening and triggers keep setting me off and there is no time to pull it all together and regain the control I need to save us all from the wrath of me.
Once its all destroyed the destruction inside me continues as I replay over and over what I said, what I did, how I must have looked how I sounded, and worst of all the eyes of those I just destroyed.
The triggers. What can I do with these pins that stick in me constantly. Just poking me. Annoying me. I swear these multiply by 10 with each additional kid. I was just at a marriage seminar (not my idea) and they asked everyone who grew up with a Fun Parent to raise their hand. Mine stayed down. Then they asked if THEY were the fun parent. Once again my hand stayed down. Now they didn't ask all parents how have restrained from beating your children today... raise your hand. How about all parents who listed to at least 1/2 of everything your kids said today.. raise your hand. Or better yet all parents who haven't ran away and will return tonight to their kids... raise their hand. Now shouldn't we celebrate those successes as well. Fun is great. Sanity is a must but for some reason we are simply expected to be/remain/continue to be sane.
I ALWAYS regret my snaps. I actually HATE that they happen more than anything in my life. I personally know the damage they do and to know that and to still give into that horrible habit makes it even worse. Kids are by nature resilient, but damage is remembered. It returns acutely in usually the most inopportune times in life. It also shapes us and that is why FAILURE on my part to control the triggers in turn triggers all my remembered failures and where one building might be falling at the first trigger, once it's over and I see the damage the whole city implodes and I run away from everything and everyone.
It always seems so hopeless to try and rebuild when I can't control my faults. I think, "IT will just happen again so why build it up. Just stay away and live in the current mess rather than start over just to do it all again."
Its exhausting to build everyday and to control the close calls. I'm just too tired to keep myself and the house, and my marriage, and my work, and my business, and my kids, and my church, and my testimony, and my community all together. Its just too much. I down right now. Really low. I'm not sure when I'll get out. I'll pretend as I do out of necessity, but that is about all the energy I have.
Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it ... yet." I loved those books. I loved that saying but life was much simpler when that ray of sunshine first entered. It still rings true even in the dust left by the destruction.
Yep I have not idea how I got here. Things start so small for me. A simple un-followed direction that is repeated 1 too many times and the mental tape holding me together just falls apart and my mind is blown. The wreckage is horrible and my mind sees it all happening and as much as I try and gather the pieces of tape together to piece my mind back together but the explosions keep happening and triggers keep setting me off and there is no time to pull it all together and regain the control I need to save us all from the wrath of me.
Once its all destroyed the destruction inside me continues as I replay over and over what I said, what I did, how I must have looked how I sounded, and worst of all the eyes of those I just destroyed.
The triggers. What can I do with these pins that stick in me constantly. Just poking me. Annoying me. I swear these multiply by 10 with each additional kid. I was just at a marriage seminar (not my idea) and they asked everyone who grew up with a Fun Parent to raise their hand. Mine stayed down. Then they asked if THEY were the fun parent. Once again my hand stayed down. Now they didn't ask all parents how have restrained from beating your children today... raise your hand. How about all parents who listed to at least 1/2 of everything your kids said today.. raise your hand. Or better yet all parents who haven't ran away and will return tonight to their kids... raise their hand. Now shouldn't we celebrate those successes as well. Fun is great. Sanity is a must but for some reason we are simply expected to be/remain/continue to be sane.
I ALWAYS regret my snaps. I actually HATE that they happen more than anything in my life. I personally know the damage they do and to know that and to still give into that horrible habit makes it even worse. Kids are by nature resilient, but damage is remembered. It returns acutely in usually the most inopportune times in life. It also shapes us and that is why FAILURE on my part to control the triggers in turn triggers all my remembered failures and where one building might be falling at the first trigger, once it's over and I see the damage the whole city implodes and I run away from everything and everyone.
It always seems so hopeless to try and rebuild when I can't control my faults. I think, "IT will just happen again so why build it up. Just stay away and live in the current mess rather than start over just to do it all again."
Its exhausting to build everyday and to control the close calls. I'm just too tired to keep myself and the house, and my marriage, and my work, and my business, and my kids, and my church, and my testimony, and my community all together. Its just too much. I down right now. Really low. I'm not sure when I'll get out. I'll pretend as I do out of necessity, but that is about all the energy I have.
Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it ... yet." I loved those books. I loved that saying but life was much simpler when that ray of sunshine first entered. It still rings true even in the dust left by the destruction.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Feel Too Much
I just read an essay yesterday on one of my favorite/life changing blogs http://momastery.com/blog. It was about envy. Envy/Jealousy... they seem to be by constant companions these days. They drift in and out of my daily life moment by moment. They follow me in happiness and ruin moments when I could be the kind/gracious person I so desire to be, but they come between me and the world to "protect me" so I don't have to "feel" too much. They make me feel less. Less creative, less worthy, less able, less loving.
In the essay the writer says Fat & Full. She spoke of desiring this feeling. Laugh yes a woman using these word in positive is pretty freaking amazing as well as revolutionary to that I give a oh ya! However when I hear that and feel the lack inside the juxtaposition is pain at its best.
Today was hard. I had sacrificed some personal time and attention to help a situation and instead of any thanks or praise or awe of talent I got anger directed at me due to the fact that I did they and someone already had. Now I know I was not in the wrong, but somehow I have a ridiculous ability to take others moods and internalize them. My highs and lows are so far and can be triggered in an instance. Now my heart says that my offering was good. The intention was right. The product was fantastic, but my mind rolls through the situation as I rewind and replay it over and over... getting more and more angry each time. Getting addition pain from the moment, making the hurt deeper, wider, and one that will most likely scar.
I came home feeling empty and defeated. My NEED to feel full was immense! In the past I would wallow, get angry at the kids who were keeping me from being fabulous and achieving notoriety and success. I would watch my show, eat everything, and be mad. Today after reading Fat & Full I searched for anything (besides food) to fill me up. The grace of the moment was realizing that loving my beautiful children, feeding them, riding bikes, playing outside, dancing, and focusing exclusively on them filled me up to the brim and past overflowing. These beautiful people who "keep me" from being the person I once was are allowing me to become the person I want to be.
Now don't get me wrong. The suck it out of me too. There are time when I have nothing in me to offer them, they have taken it all. Other times they are the FULLNESS I was seeking. They love me. They replace the emptiness, and their laughter is louder than my mind, and the pervious moments of anger and hurt are recorded over with sunlight, bumblebees in February, and smiles. The pictures and videos are completed. My mind has captured the moment. Now it's time to keep the emptiness away and fill up with the things my heart guides me to. Another movie tomorrow, Drama was today, maybe a Comedy, Love Story, or Biography tomorrow. Only time will tell.
In the essay the writer says Fat & Full. She spoke of desiring this feeling. Laugh yes a woman using these word in positive is pretty freaking amazing as well as revolutionary to that I give a oh ya! However when I hear that and feel the lack inside the juxtaposition is pain at its best.
Today was hard. I had sacrificed some personal time and attention to help a situation and instead of any thanks or praise or awe of talent I got anger directed at me due to the fact that I did they and someone already had. Now I know I was not in the wrong, but somehow I have a ridiculous ability to take others moods and internalize them. My highs and lows are so far and can be triggered in an instance. Now my heart says that my offering was good. The intention was right. The product was fantastic, but my mind rolls through the situation as I rewind and replay it over and over... getting more and more angry each time. Getting addition pain from the moment, making the hurt deeper, wider, and one that will most likely scar.
I came home feeling empty and defeated. My NEED to feel full was immense! In the past I would wallow, get angry at the kids who were keeping me from being fabulous and achieving notoriety and success. I would watch my show, eat everything, and be mad. Today after reading Fat & Full I searched for anything (besides food) to fill me up. The grace of the moment was realizing that loving my beautiful children, feeding them, riding bikes, playing outside, dancing, and focusing exclusively on them filled me up to the brim and past overflowing. These beautiful people who "keep me" from being the person I once was are allowing me to become the person I want to be.
Now don't get me wrong. The suck it out of me too. There are time when I have nothing in me to offer them, they have taken it all. Other times they are the FULLNESS I was seeking. They love me. They replace the emptiness, and their laughter is louder than my mind, and the pervious moments of anger and hurt are recorded over with sunlight, bumblebees in February, and smiles. The pictures and videos are completed. My mind has captured the moment. Now it's time to keep the emptiness away and fill up with the things my heart guides me to. Another movie tomorrow, Drama was today, maybe a Comedy, Love Story, or Biography tomorrow. Only time will tell.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
I hate 3:00
So it's early out and only 2:34 but I still hate the whole idea around 3:00 and even if it is earlier one day a week (DO NOT get me started on all this late start/early out crap. I really did go to school from 8:00-2:45 EVERY DAY for 12 years. I remember it well). Suddenly in the very middle of the day you are magically suppose to have dinner in your head, the house cleaned, happy face on and car ready to roll. Oh I forgot to mention be excited to do the homework NO BODY wants do.
If life ran according to me we would all sleep from 2:30-4:00 every day and just bypass all the yuckiness of 3:00. Maybe then I would wake up thrilled to do spelling AGAIN and delighted to read with you the books we both despise. I still wouldn't think of dinner until 6:00pm when it is time to eat. Sorry that is just the way I roll. Good thing I live nowhere that offers a decent variety of takeout. There was a time I had a $200 a month budget for takeout... oh those were the days. The last 7 years have been a living hell. What can I say.
Actually they haven't been bad, but I miss my budget for takeout. I also miss my nap that allows 3:00 to be skipped. Much about the previous life I miss, but I would miss the little bodies more. I would miss them running around in their underwear. I would miss their kisses. I would miss their hand holding. I still have a 7 year old who loves to hold my hand. They have taught their 1 year old brother to be an excellent hand holder. Sometimes I wish my hands were empty. Lots of times I wish my fists were full of dollars (movie reference... do you know who) but I do love what they are full of most of the time. Hair, Food, iPad, Keys, Bottles, Books, Pencils, Brooms, Vacuums, Paint Brushes (crap need to get another coat on before I go start the chauffeuring). My hands are full. People tell me or comment on that ll the time, but I want them to know that they are full of more things than just these ever delightful children. My hands have always been full. I live with a full pallet. It didn't empty and become full again when motherhood began. All I did was push things together. Scrunched it up and found space for it all.
I'm being paged because the 38lb 7 year old cannot get the 30lb 1 year old out of the crib. Yep... my hands are full of something alright!
If life ran according to me we would all sleep from 2:30-4:00 every day and just bypass all the yuckiness of 3:00. Maybe then I would wake up thrilled to do spelling AGAIN and delighted to read with you the books we both despise. I still wouldn't think of dinner until 6:00pm when it is time to eat. Sorry that is just the way I roll. Good thing I live nowhere that offers a decent variety of takeout. There was a time I had a $200 a month budget for takeout... oh those were the days. The last 7 years have been a living hell. What can I say.
Actually they haven't been bad, but I miss my budget for takeout. I also miss my nap that allows 3:00 to be skipped. Much about the previous life I miss, but I would miss the little bodies more. I would miss them running around in their underwear. I would miss their kisses. I would miss their hand holding. I still have a 7 year old who loves to hold my hand. They have taught their 1 year old brother to be an excellent hand holder. Sometimes I wish my hands were empty. Lots of times I wish my fists were full of dollars (movie reference... do you know who) but I do love what they are full of most of the time. Hair, Food, iPad, Keys, Bottles, Books, Pencils, Brooms, Vacuums, Paint Brushes (crap need to get another coat on before I go start the chauffeuring). My hands are full. People tell me or comment on that ll the time, but I want them to know that they are full of more things than just these ever delightful children. My hands have always been full. I live with a full pallet. It didn't empty and become full again when motherhood began. All I did was push things together. Scrunched it up and found space for it all.
I'm being paged because the 38lb 7 year old cannot get the 30lb 1 year old out of the crib. Yep... my hands are full of something alright!
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Jealousy... thy name is mine!
You know that Jealousy... has the word lousy in it right? Because it makes you feel down right lousy. Its a giving feeling because it makes you feel bad about feeling that way yet you feel that way and you know you shouldn't but you still do and that makes you feel worse. It's one of the feelings that I really hate and for some reason in my life right now it is ever prevalent and I SEE everyone thorough these green colored glasses.
I know the obstacles are the path and I know I am enough. Sometimes I even believe both of those things. I know more ideas will come and that I need to let go of the ones I can't grab onto but for the love of all that is good. WHY IS MY BOAT STILL NOT COMING IN!!! I will never understand this about my life.
I am an ambitious woman. I embrace this. Have since a child. I have vision. I work HARD. I LIKE TO WORK HARD. I am dedicated. I am loyal. I am determined. I have MANY skills. I learn quickly so tell my WHY are none of the things I am working on - working to - trying hard at - working my guts out for - spending my soul, $$, and time on NEVER working out?
I have two wonderful/kind women whom I encouraged to go out and start their own thing. I perhaps even PUSHED them hard at times. Gave them encouragement, ideas, thoughts, advice, and attention. Guess what... they are FREAKING successful. Like successful in the fact that they can walk away from their other jobs if they want - when they want. Not only can they walk away but they could be welcomed back with open arms. They know this. There is power in this knowledge. Now I know if I left my job I could provably go back. My problem is what am I leaving it for? There is no soft lighting that I can see in my future. I am running so hard and fast in place and going no where. If I stopped I would be in the same exact place feeling the same way except less tired.
So how can I feel this way and still not be the mean jealous/spiteful person that no one likes. Ok maybe I am already her but I always say sorry and can put the happy face on. I can be who I need to be. The problem is that I really want to be happy for them. I want to be happy for me. I want to BE me. The person I was designed to be. The person I was at one time. I miss that person. I miss being consulted. I miss walking around and people thinking while I was a hard ass I knew my stuff and was good at it. I want people to look at me and not wonder what happened to that Josie Beth girl... I thought she would really be something. I want to be whatever they thought I would become!
So what to do now. I know I should pray and look for blessings. I know this and I believe it but I just don't want to do it so I think for right now. I will cry a little. Write it down and PRAY that no one reads it ever. Tomorrow I will try hard to be happy for everyone including myself. I will buy a good luck gift for the lady meeting with Hollywood and get a nice card for the other one who has so many clients she is turning people away. Yeah... for me!
I know the obstacles are the path and I know I am enough. Sometimes I even believe both of those things. I know more ideas will come and that I need to let go of the ones I can't grab onto but for the love of all that is good. WHY IS MY BOAT STILL NOT COMING IN!!! I will never understand this about my life.
I am an ambitious woman. I embrace this. Have since a child. I have vision. I work HARD. I LIKE TO WORK HARD. I am dedicated. I am loyal. I am determined. I have MANY skills. I learn quickly so tell my WHY are none of the things I am working on - working to - trying hard at - working my guts out for - spending my soul, $$, and time on NEVER working out?
I have two wonderful/kind women whom I encouraged to go out and start their own thing. I perhaps even PUSHED them hard at times. Gave them encouragement, ideas, thoughts, advice, and attention. Guess what... they are FREAKING successful. Like successful in the fact that they can walk away from their other jobs if they want - when they want. Not only can they walk away but they could be welcomed back with open arms. They know this. There is power in this knowledge. Now I know if I left my job I could provably go back. My problem is what am I leaving it for? There is no soft lighting that I can see in my future. I am running so hard and fast in place and going no where. If I stopped I would be in the same exact place feeling the same way except less tired.
So how can I feel this way and still not be the mean jealous/spiteful person that no one likes. Ok maybe I am already her but I always say sorry and can put the happy face on. I can be who I need to be. The problem is that I really want to be happy for them. I want to be happy for me. I want to BE me. The person I was designed to be. The person I was at one time. I miss that person. I miss being consulted. I miss walking around and people thinking while I was a hard ass I knew my stuff and was good at it. I want people to look at me and not wonder what happened to that Josie Beth girl... I thought she would really be something. I want to be whatever they thought I would become!
So what to do now. I know I should pray and look for blessings. I know this and I believe it but I just don't want to do it so I think for right now. I will cry a little. Write it down and PRAY that no one reads it ever. Tomorrow I will try hard to be happy for everyone including myself. I will buy a good luck gift for the lady meeting with Hollywood and get a nice card for the other one who has so many clients she is turning people away. Yeah... for me!
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