Lots of beginnings today. School, back to work with the boys. New schedule. New habits. New thoughts. Bonnie M. introduce Tiffany Roe to me in April and I instantly connected with her message and wanted more. I purchased her online courses in May and I am just beginning them tonight. Why, if I know she speaks my lingo and how I'm reaching out for anything to grab onto, would I wait this long? I'm not sure I have just one answer. Mostly I was too tired this summer to do anything more. I simply couldn't even make myself onto my own list. It was all too much and this work I know is going to be hard and I just couldn't do more hard this summer. I had a necklace made and wore it almost everyday that said ENOUGH. I had to remind myself at every turn that I had to stop at Enough not perfect or more.
Interestingly the first course is on perfectionism. Coincidence or not, what a difficult place to start. Mainly because I don't claim to be perfect. I hold onto my imperfections like a life preserver and flaunt them for the world to see, but there are some very deep bits of me where perfection is deeply rooted, but mostly I think I scream imperfection because I'm so scared people will discover I am NOT perfect. Beat them to the punch before they discover my secret.
Today's Q&A (I'm only in 15 minutes had to stop to answer and ponder!) How has perfectionism affected me? I have such a vivid memory of the first time I remember feeling the pressure of perfection. I was 9ish and the Baxter's had just been awarded Family of the Year in the Bear River Family. At age 9 I knew we were not perfect but I thought we were pretty damn good and hell, we were provably as good at being a family as lots of others. I really loved the attention. I loved my family. I loved that other people loved my family like I did. They really were my heros. They were who I wanted to be. I loved them more than anything and that is why it hurt when I felt people thought we did NOT deserve the title.
No words were spoken out loud. The specifics were not told to me of the WHY we were unworthy. I just felt my joy decrease steadily over time as I realized people did not think we were a good example of something to work towards. I felt shame for something I didn't even know or understand. It would take me years to be told of the mistakes of some of my heros. Strangers would continue to point out the mistakes of my family and I would continue to have my convictions of our family's goodness challenged. This made me be the first to point out my imperfections so people knew I KNEW I WAS NOT PERFECT. This also effected what choices I dared to make. I didn't want to make big mistakes or mistakes people would notice. I took chances I knew I could do quite well at. I am not a risk taker. I'm too afraid to fail. I'm too afraid someone will SEE me fail and remind me and tell others about it.
The fear of others being let down because of my imperfectness has guided every step along the way. The fear of failure brings the worry of not being able to perform at the standards set by myself and those I feel others expect of me. My worth is tied to being just perfect enough to meet expectations but not high enough to fail others. I want only enough attention to feel ok about myself, but am so uncomfortable with too much because I'm worried they will discover I'm a fraud. I constantly tell people all the things I failed at so their expectations remain at a level I can perform at. Don't put me too high because I'm sure I will fall and I will not allow others to relish in my failure. I will hide it and keep it to myself to push under the rug and remember to never try it again. If I can't be one the best - what's the point in trying?
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