Body Scan

Things are rough. AGAIN. Mind Body and Spirit are not aligning.

Last week at work 4 staff members quit. FOUR! Long nights and then a long day on Saturday. I couldn't pull myself together to clean on Thursday so we went Friday. DJ wanted us to come up for a crossfit halloween party and I really didn't want to do it. I didn't want to drive up and I have such anger towards that part of our relationship I didn't want to go.

He got an award which made him even later which also made me even more angry. He is being awarded for the time he spends on himself away from our family and away from me. How does that make any sense! I know it's irrational, but it is the most annoying thing I can think of. Needless to say I am having some big unhappy feelings towards him right now. I feel completely separate from him. So seperate that I don't really want to try and close the gap. There is no joy in our relationship. Our relationship is only built around our kids they are the buffer I put in between to deal with him.

I really don't know how to fix it . I really don't feel like fixing it. I don't want him on my to do list. I don't have a lot of feelings at all for him. I don't look at him. I don't look him in the eye. I don't want to hold his hand. It's all too fake. It's all in conflict of my feelings. I can't make my body do what my mind dislikes.

I body scanned this morning and I feel that so much is wrong. So much is hurting. So much is in pain. It's almost too much to feel. How to fix it? How to want to take on that one more big task... no way to know. Too hard. Too much.

Grateful:
3 new hires
rugs are ordered
valtrex - big cold sore coming on

Wins:
meditated this morning
trying to keep my body and spirit aligned
almost done with design to dos

Hard Things...

Sometimes it seems like all I am asked to do are "hard things." While I realize that is categorically untrue - it still can feel that way. Sometimes it feels/looks like my life is harder than others. It looks/feels like there are fewer hours, fun tasks, less money and on and on.

The reality is that my hard might be easy for others, and my easy may be hard for some. Last night I needed to go to the grocery store. No fresh food and no milk made for no dinner. I decided to grab the kids at home and take them with me for an outing since Gable and Jude had been at home all day. This grocery trip was NOT an easy thing for me. Jude was clinging to me the entire time. I couldn't even put him down to put the produce in its bag. He would not sit in the cart or even on top of the cart. Gable kept walking in front of the cart so I was constantly catching him or stopping quick. Poppy was trying hard as usual, but couldn't do much to help the boys in this situation.

I was just listening Brough's talk from conference on hard things and the thing that testified was to not blame others for my hard things. I was frustrated with DJ the entire time I was shopping. He was home alone all weekend and didn't do it. He knew Jude would need milk but he drank it instead with breakfast. He knew we would be home on a Sunday and couldn't go get more, but he didn't plan ahead. All these thoughts did not make grocery shopping easier.

"We must face hard things, first, by forgiving others and, second, by giving ourselves to Heavenly Father"

I need to start forgiving others completely. For-Giving it back to them to deal with.  So they can realize their mistake or unthoughtfulness. They may not ever get to that point, but by not forgiving them makes my "hard thing" so much harder! 

I have never equated getting through hard things with forgiveness, but I can totally understand and feel how it can help. I think that forgiveness needs to start with yourself. Sometimes I am frustrated with myself because I have these feelings which then makes me more mad at the other because I'm dealing with double the trouble thanks to THEM! I know that when I feel better about myself, in turn I feel better about others.

Hard things are going to be a constant, but how hard is totally up to me and forgiveness is the key to ease the burden and find the glimpse of light that will allow me to push through to the other side.

Grateful:
-Got the kids breathing medicine filled last night. Makes such a difference for them. Glad it was a quick turn around
-Fizz I really needed/wanted it after my shopping trip. Was I using it as a coping mechanism - YEP! But, I dealt with those feelings this morning so now it's done and over.
-Jude slept from 11am-3pm yesterday. Wish I did as well ;)

Wins:
-Hazel is talking more and more to us about her hard things. This week it is friends and cursing. It's allowing us to teach her. Glad she is seeking the help.
-2 coaches down as of yesterday and 2 resumes in. Hopefully they both work out.
-Drank almost whole mug of water first thing this morning.

1 Needful Thing:
For others - keep seeking ways to serve my ministering families
For Me - Get some rugs ordered. 
-

Infinate

So I had a total mind blowing experience last night. I was seeking help when someone explained to me something I knew, but never understood.

I knew that infinite means that there is no beginning and no end. I have saw the infinity sign. I get the general idea of it all. I have even heard it said in religious study. Heavens I have used it myself. What I learned last night is the when of its application.

If it has no beginning and no end then it has always been around, just like my spirit. I believe in the infinite atonement of Jesus Christ. For me that has been something that I have used for things that happen while I'm here in my messy, everyday life. What I discovered last night is that it also applied to me before this life began. Mind blown. I needed it before this mess, and probably need it after. My messes/needs don't end and neither does that sacrifice.

How cool is that!

To say it is a game changer is a total understatement. The best part about it is that no matter what you believe its availability is there because it is constant and never ending. Now THAT is joy and comfort.

Grateful:
-Foot zoning has my heart. I need to take time today to write down my experience
-Truth that speaks spirit to spirit
-Reminder for me to use and speak to my spirit. It is stronger than my body if I will just use it.

Wins:
-I did something nice for bosses day for Mardi. I feel she is not particularly happy with me but I am all for giving that back to her.
-Ate dinner last night at 9pm with no guilt
-Let Hazel do her own crazy 1 sided hair today and have no feelings about it.

Time

"Time, time time, see what's become of me. While I looked around for my possibilities. I was so hard to please.."

Time balance is the hardest thing I do everyday. To get enough sleep. Work the 6+ hours. Feed the 5 people 2x a day. Get everyone where they need to be here is how it breaks out for me.

6:15-7:00ish - Wake up Hazel, Meditate, Read scriptures, Study, Write

7:00-7:15 - make sure Hazel is fed, brushed, hair done, packed, and ready to be picked up.

7:15-7:30 - start/pull out breakfast, shower (if I can), get Jude up, get his clothes, make sure Gable and Poppy are up and at em.

7:30-7:45 - get dressed, start doing my hair and makeup, brush teeth

7:45-8:00 - make sure Poppy is ready, hair done, teeth brushed, pa12cked

8:00-8:30 - get boys fed, packed, lunches made, dressed, hair done, teeth brushed, finish getting myself ready. Pack them into the car.

8:30-12:00ish - work at The Peak

12:30 - come home feed 2nd lunch, unpack, do breakfast dishes, try and get dinner figured out.

1:00-1:30 - get the boys down for naps, read books, snuggle them etc

2:00-3:00 - I need this nap or do I work out?

3:00-3:30 - girls get home. Visit about day 

3:30-5:30/6:00 - work at peak - take kids around to activities

6:00 - come make dinner, keep taking kids to activities

6:30-7:30 - dinner, running kids around

8:00-8:30 - clean up house, dishes, dinner

8:30-9:00 - family scriptures, bed time, make sure teeth are brushed, clothes are out, no one is dead

9:30-10:30 - try and work out, think, self-development, should be writing again.

No where in this day is there a time for my mind break, a good time for me to work out at my convenience. No time to go to the store, to do laundry, to even feel. It's tricky. 

I just got grumpy with Hazel because I'm having to interrupt my writing to get her lunch packed because she didn't do it last night. 

This is why I'm grumpy and do not love my family a lot of the time. The demands on my time is immense. Some days I handle it better than others, but for this season it's hard. It's hard to know what to give up. What to include. What to sacrifice. What is most important. 

I have no answers...

Grateful:

*Piano is back in our family. Poppy is playing right now.

*Almost done with Christmas show class division

*Did get a little workout done last night

Wins:

*Told the girls they got parts in the Christmas show

*Listened and read conference talk today

*Jude is getting better at The PEak

Trust Your Truth

Yesterday was a long day 8:30am - 12:15, 2:30-9:00. Lots of things to do and lots of people to talk to. It started with an account receivable meeting and re-doing the office schedule to manage payroll. After lunch it continued with Christmas Show order, kids, running, trying to meet with Cheer, doing audition notices. Fielding questions. Grabbing kids and dinner. Filming christmas routines. Exit interviews and shutting it all down. Came home to do exercise video. Treadmill walk for 5 and then bed.

It days like this that are truly a struggle because I have so much dread at all times. I dread that I am not home with my kids enough. I dread that I am not managing the Peak correctly. I dread doing the things I know will help the business because they might upset the people. I dread the amount of extra time things take because that is no good for the business. I dread coming home an still having so much to do. I dread the tired and draining I feel because of these demands.

Mosiah 7:23 And now, is not this grievous to be borne? And is not this, our affliction, great? Now behold, how great reason we have to mourn.

Some days I really do feel this. It is grievous to be born. My afflictions are great. I have reasons to mourne. It's hard to do all that we set out to do. I think I have forgotten, however, to ask God to give me the 1 thing I need to do so that I can do that one and forget the rest.

I also need to find the balance at the gym. I can only do 1 late night a week. That is ok. It must be ok. I don't want them to get into the habit of assuming I will be there so I cannot continue to be there. I must remember that I am an extra cost as well. They will do their best. They know what is needed and truly want the success as well.

I cannot control it all. I cannot control my kids, my job, the people, my house, and especially not the outcome. I can however honestly do my best. Follow the spirit to teach me when I have done enough. I am only in control of me. If I try and control others then I am allowing/creating them to be victims and bear no responsibility.

Keeping my balance and my vision is what will allow things to feel like opportunities and not burdens to be born. Clear communication creates responsibility for others and opportunity to trust and grow.

I want my kids, my employees, my partners to learn. I want to learn from them so space is necessary to create the trust and ability to change.

I also have to trust my own body and mind and do what works best for me. I know - the spirit testifies of truth and I really need to trust my own truth. I am not sure why this is is so hard. We take in so much from others and the world that we forget that we also intuitively know what is good and right. When we deny these personal truths I think is when depression and anxiety set in. Our spirits are in direct opposition to what we have tricked our bodies and minds into. 

I find it takes ever bit of personal bravery to trust what I know and go forward with that truth. So now instead of just praying for guidance, I pray for the bravery to firmly follow those gifts divinely given.

Thankful:
-Personal Revelation. - I know I have gotten it this morning now I need to honor it by following it.

-Talents -I am grateful for people sharing their talents with The Peak. It really is something to behold.

-Not rushing. I am really trying hard to fix this. Took some time with Hazel this morning to talk through her truths.

Wins:
-Christmas Show order is done
-Only 1 bad song to revise
-Didn't get mad at Abby and I sent Alyssa off on a positive note.x

A Simple Habit

So for the past few months plus I've been using an app called Simple Habit. It offers a ton of meditations as we as a meditation of the day. I've been trying to meditate for quite some time. I have seriously tried it all. Last year I had a little book of meditations. I have tried countless apps, but this is the one thing that has finally stuck.

You can of course purchase the pro version, but I only have the free version. All I do is put my headphones in. Snuggle up in a blanket on my couch. Choose the meditation of the day (5-10 minutes) and I listen. It is the most calm and relaxing part of my day. I loosen my shoulders that are already tense or never loosened up from the night before. I body scan at the end. I let me hand be still, and I listen.

I really cannot decide what I love more: My morning musings or my meditation. Maybe I just really like the moments they provide when my mind is more calm and I can think about me. The best part is I used to feel guilty about self focused time. There is always so much to do. So many other things needed and so many other people who have demands on me.

After doing this for the last while I can honestly say that I don't feel any of those things. I love this part of my day. I love this part of my mind and body and spirit. I value the change it makes in my day. I love the feeling I have knowing I have given myself just an hour to be me and use the gifts I've been given to improve myself and not just others.

Grateful:
-love my morning meditations
-cooler fall days are here
-lots of rain last night

Wins:
-Cleaning is Done!
-DJ and I can go out tonight for an hour or so
-Made it through another mad week of life.

I am my Perception

I have had an interesting couple days that have caused me to try and understand miscommunication. When one's goal was to help, but all the other saw was an intrusion. When an explanation of one turned into a degradation for the other. It's simply fascinating and oh so freaking frustrating!

I think we spend so much time thinking and worrying about how things will be perceived. It is whole industry - it's called Marketing and Public Relations. The "image" we put out there is valued more than the product itself. There is more money spent in these areas than I really want to admit. More time is put into a product prep than the cost of the product itself.

This image focus extends to every part of our life: Make up, Clothes, Houses, Neighborhoods, Cars, Food.. you name it. It all creates an image by which we are judged.

The problem with this is that we have NO control over what people think about us. We can painfully curate the most meticulous image of how we want people to perceive us, but it is completely up to them how they interpret the image.

When I was in middle school I had a day of reckoning. I was trying so hard to "fit in." To create the image of who I wanted to be. The clothes, the HAIR, the darn backpack, and correct locker decor. I found out through the grapevine that there was a person that still did not like me after ALL this hard work I had been putting in. After some serious investigation I discovered that I was not liked because I was "too happy."

That was IT for me. I had it. That was the one thing that I truly loved about myself. I KNEW I was suppose to be a happy person. God had designed me that way... I had evidence (that is a whole other post.) I gave it all up after that. I my carefully pieced image still couldn't ensure the way others perceive me.

So today I honestly try to control only my person perception. Let's be honest. It's a lot of work to keep my focus correct for my own self and sanity. I have no control of any part of perception except my own so as long as I am happy and honest with that one interpretation that is enough.

Grateful:
-Been pretty calm through some hard couple days at work. Long days and long discussions, but doing good so far.

-the kiddos have been super great with me working more hours. They are really responsible for kids their age.

-I still feel a lot of peace with my work decision even though there is still some guilt.

Wins:
-hazel is  doing so much better at math

-Jude is doing so much better at The Peak (most days)

-I went to bed at 10:00pm last night!

The Charge for Truth

"Let us never fear truth, but only its misuse. On the contrary, let us love truth above all else—for God himself is truth." Ezra Taft Benson

I love honesty. I love truth, but it can seem scarce at times. We were just talking as a family about honesty. The complete honest truth - without using it to mislead. 

I find complete truth, without misleading, to be quite rare. News and recent events have caused me to feel somewhat hopeless regarding truth. It seems as though truth is being devalued. There seems to be a big BUT following statements of truth. Justification of why truth is not appreciated is a consistent message found everywhere.

I love the feeling I get when I KNOW I am hearing or encountering truth. The power is undeniable. I think that is why people love to add their BUT at the end as a rebuttal. Their are afraid of the power it holds.

I also find that when I am completely truthful with myself - then I find my own personal power. This might be the hardest truth to find because the inner messages of truth and lies can be so hard to divide. I do know when I realize a personal truth that there is such joy and comfort and peace that comes from it. However when I betray that truth - the pain and discomfort and loss are just as intense as my joy was.

Truth is STILL Truth and I believe it is still available even if it's just within ourselves.

Grateful:
-I ran/Walked and worked out last night. Good to use my body, but hard not to be discouraged on how weak it is.

-Mardi was available to talk through things yesterday and I feel like she has finally enough respect for me to listen.

-Puffy Pancakes. They were so good last night.

WINS:
-Didn't yell much yesterday - and it was a monday
-Got up at 6:30 even though I went to bed at Midnight and was up 3 times with the boys
-Dj got the cement cleaned out of the tile so I can grout.










Times are different, but fundamentals remain unchanged. Honesty is still honesty. Virtue is still virtue. Truth is still truth. Honest effort is still rewarded. Gravity still pulls all things to earth. Disregard for law still brings punishment. Two and two still make four. The Ten Commandments are still in force, as are all the other laws of life, nature, and the universe. Cecil B. DeMille once said that men and nations cannot break the Ten Commandments; they can only break themselves upon them.
https://www.lds.org/new-era/1979/09/your-charge-to-increase-in-wisdom-and-favor-with-god-and-man?lang=eng