Body Scan

Things are rough. AGAIN. Mind Body and Spirit are not aligning.

Last week at work 4 staff members quit. FOUR! Long nights and then a long day on Saturday. I couldn't pull myself together to clean on Thursday so we went Friday. DJ wanted us to come up for a crossfit halloween party and I really didn't want to do it. I didn't want to drive up and I have such anger towards that part of our relationship I didn't want to go.

He got an award which made him even later which also made me even more angry. He is being awarded for the time he spends on himself away from our family and away from me. How does that make any sense! I know it's irrational, but it is the most annoying thing I can think of. Needless to say I am having some big unhappy feelings towards him right now. I feel completely separate from him. So seperate that I don't really want to try and close the gap. There is no joy in our relationship. Our relationship is only built around our kids they are the buffer I put in between to deal with him.

I really don't know how to fix it . I really don't feel like fixing it. I don't want him on my to do list. I don't have a lot of feelings at all for him. I don't look at him. I don't look him in the eye. I don't want to hold his hand. It's all too fake. It's all in conflict of my feelings. I can't make my body do what my mind dislikes.

I body scanned this morning and I feel that so much is wrong. So much is hurting. So much is in pain. It's almost too much to feel. How to fix it? How to want to take on that one more big task... no way to know. Too hard. Too much.

Grateful:
3 new hires
rugs are ordered
valtrex - big cold sore coming on

Wins:
meditated this morning
trying to keep my body and spirit aligned
almost done with design to dos