How to get along

 This is a constant struggle for me. I try hard to get along with people but gosh it’s hard. 

Last night was a hard night. Running Christmas show routines and Cheer coach did it again. She inserted her class where they shouldn’t have been and when asked to vacate after being there she did not go and I was short with her. 

I fixed the problem hopefully for next week and apologized but she never takes responsibility or even says thanks for anything. I just seriously don’t like her and when she does this it makes it even harder. 

I don’t like selfishness and when people are unkind I tend to be unkind back especially when I’m stressed and pulled and overwhelmed. No grace or respect is ever shown and had never been offered in the years so it’s hard to feel or reciprocate. 

On top of a very hard time at work my mom is in the burn unit. I had to help her on Monday to get there. Can’t go see her because of covid. I also got a text saying the narration guy would not be able to do our narration so I have that on my plate as well. 

My situation is that I feel bad when other people choose to feel bad over something I have said or did. I know that I cannot take responsibility for their feelings but I do try hard to build people up and am disappointed when I fail to do that but I also cannot be 💯 percent all the time and I need to give myself the grace I try and offer others. 

I need to do my affirmations to remind myself of my worthiness, value, and worth. No matter if I make mistakes or not these things do not change. If others don’t see then they still don’t change. 

Calm Down

 I went to a Riki Session today to try and clear out much of my weight and pressures. It was really interesting and good. One thing she was was to be Selfishly Selfish. Sounds great and good, but not even sure how to do that right now so tonight I started with a bath. I actually shaved my legs. 

Got out and first thing can't find my little face razors. I know some little hands have taken them but no takers.

Next asked poppy to try on some clothes and had to ask 3 x before she would try on the new clothes I purchased for her.

Went down for family prayer and the house is a disaster.

Hazel explains that she has a poster due tomorrow as well as need to study for her end of trimester math test. She just finished up 4 hours of dance and this is the first I hear about it.

I ask the kids who pulled all the Christmas books out and all of them denied it.

Asked why Hazel was just sitting doing nothing if she had so much to do. Attitude. Asked her what she did all yesterday when she was hope. Got a play by play of nothing happening, but her making out that she was busy.

Ask for prayer because now I'm getting grumpy. Gable is asked to pray. First thing he says. 

"Please bless that mom will stop freaking out..." That is it. I threw what was in my hand and went up stairs. Bull Shit family. I call bull shit on all the rebelliousness of your excuses and actions. 

I am done asking and begging. I give it all back to you all to deal with. I am over doing things to make your lives easier when you never try to do the same for me. 

My first act of selfishness is to stop taking care of you all and forgetting about myself.

Tomorrow I will make a  list of things I love to do.

Expectations vs Reality

Expectations. I have a love hate relationship, perhaps conflict is a better description of the relationship. My motto is expect the worst and hope for the best. My brother Brandon says expect nothing so that everything is a beautiful surprise.

Neither seem to bring much joy and yet both breed some sort of truth. I want good things to happen. I want to will them into being, but when they don't happen I'm disappointed. If I expect nothing I feel like I'm selling myself short and only getting the leftover scraps of what joy is left in the world. So which one is correct?

Today we rolled out a very special, and generous promo at work. Spend $50 at The Peak and get a $20 gift card to the local struggling theater for FREE. I have been so excited about it. I have been looking forward to it. I was fully expecting people to line up and the phones ringing off the hook trying to grab this promo, but I think we handed out 5 of them..... 5 of the 300 available. 

This truly is a generous and not at all required thing to do. We paid the local theater $6K for these from a grant and we want to bonus our families as well as the theater so why is no one lining up for this but a $50 sweatshirt will sell out to an online store?

It's not that today was bad. I truly wasn't. Provably the best Monday in a long time even though I am down 3 coaches due to covid, but everything worked out and people were generally decent, but still I am bummed. Such a silly thing to be sad about, but I feel it's a failure on my part. I didn't market it good enough. I haven't mended the Peak reputation as much as I thought I had. I chose wrong. People don't want to commit to us. They think we are greedy. I have lost touch with the customer...... on and on and on. As if I had any control over people, their finances, or their choices so why do I tie my disappointment to something I have no control over.

I think a lot of it is because I don't feel like I am being successful in any particular area. So much is falling behind or I'm falling short on, but no extra time to do more or better, but somehow my best doesn't feel successful unless it leads to the results I am seeking. 

So how do I fix this need for external success or validation. Not sure. Maybe I need work success because I feel unsuccessful at home? More likely I'm looking to rise to the expectations others had of me that I somehow feel I have let down by living a smaller life than I even imagined for myself.

Don't get me wrong. It's a great life. I truly enjoy my small life, but there are parts of me that miss the grandness I imagined for myself making big differences in big ways. This is something I have to reconcile. The high school overlooked me, with the college celebrated me, with the mom making good people me. Who am I and how can I let go of who I once was?

 

Heavy

I

t's been another week and today it was just too much.

I broke: my heart, my body, my mind. They broke and my carefully created okness crumbled. I couldn't hold it anymore. I couldn't stand. I couldn't speak. I fell and I cried. I screamed. I wailed. I prayed. I asked for someone to help carry my weight and then I felt the healing weight of my child in my arms and I started to heal. 

I asked Jude to come lay on me so I could feel real weight instead of imposed, and pressured weight and the realness, and the tactile feeling gave me peace. He was watching Wall-E and as I listed to Put on your Sunday Clothes from my beloved Hello Dolly plans started to form. 

The tangible moment started to help create a plan of how to go forward. I got up and limped over to the table to start putting my plan into action and asking for the help that I desperatly need.

I. Need. Help. 

I cannot hold everything on my own and the weight is too much.

I cannot carry other's weight, thoughts, opinions, or claims - no matter how much they press them on me.

I need to lighten every part of my life: Work, Weight, Mind, Spirit, Family and I need to do it now before something breaks.

Work: I need to hire someone to take on marketing. Priority #1

Weight: I need to decide on a health plan on how to do so. Either Keto or some other avenue

Mind: I have got to release all that I'm hanging onto. Going to a Riki specialist next week and hoping to help with the lift and release of all things and start a path of healing and dealing.

Spirit: I need to reconnect with my God given gifts and His plan for me right now. Seek it and live it to the best of my abilities.

 Family: I have decided that the girls will stop piano with Janna. It's too much pressure for us all, and does not create joy for any of us. I will let her know next week that it will be our last one. We are choosing to simplify. I will encourage Hazel to take a year off of ballet to heal her body and confidence.

This is all with the help of Karlee Jensen who has agreed to coach me - to which I am eternally grateful. She knows me and best of all she knows my heart and desires. Mardi has agreed to have The Peak help cover her fee. 

It's a start, and I am to journal everyday the thoughts to empty my mind and release so I can start tomorrow without the weight of today. 

I can do this. I am grateful for God's guidance today. As I was crying out for his help he stepped in with a clarity I haven't had in a while. I know he is with me and wants me to feel light and love again soon. He designed me to be a happy person and now to get the help to be the masterpiece he designed.

 I was a heavy heart to carry

My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?

Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall

I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Oh
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms

Heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms

Why is this bothering me?

This has become a permanent question in my mind these days. Today especially.

DarLa gave her 2 weeks notice.

Is it surprising? No - I could tell in May she didn't want to come back. I knew she prefered collecting her unemployment. She has been unhappy for years. I have never seemed to make her happy or able to give her what she was seeking so why am I feeling so heavy with this new knowledge?

I think that I feel responsible.
I feel that it is because of me she is leaving
I worry that I am harming the business with her exit.
I worry that we will not find a qualified replacement
I am exhausted to think that I will have more responsibility to take on.
I'm sad that everything I tried didn't work to make her happy.
I'm frustrated that she only is giving us 2 weeks when we employed her for 7 years
I'm disappointed that she was just getting decent with marketing and now its all back on me
I wonder what people will think when she leaves

It also makes me wonder
Why am I still here?
Am I treated better than the other employees
What do we do differently to keep people around
Am I settling for something less than I should
Why am I satisfied with such hard work and situations and others are not?
Am I putting my needs below my kids?

But this could also mean I could find someone
Someone great wants to help build something together
Less fighting and stress at work with relationships
Someone who will take direction better
Someone with better follow through and scheduling skills
Someone who is less demanding
Someone who makes me feel like I'm doing a good job
Someone who likes what the Peak is and what we have to offer instead of constantly finding fault
Someone who is nice to everyone and not competitive
Someone who doesn't always need to take or receive credit
Someone who wants to do more than asked
Someone who likes to work with people and not have to be over people
Someone who will research marketing and ad tactics and help keep the Peak enrolling
Someone who wants more than just a check
Someone able to work more hours when needed
Creative and happy - not sarcastic and mean
Someone who likes me and will assist me.

This person is there. I'm hoping I can get them the first time, but I can find them if I'm patient. They also want to be part of something awesome and exciting. Even if it is hard.

LABOR can bring about great things as well hard things.

6 Days and Defeat

Who knew that in 6 days I would go from intense anger to intense defeat. Six days, that's all it took to take me to my knees. Six days and one word, Coronovirus.

Wednesday - March 11th
The buzz around the new virus is getting intense. The Mag 7 are talking about back East cloures. The Church cancels general conference except for online viewing. Also no more leadership meetings and stake meetings. I tell Mardi with Disneyland closes and they cancel Sacrament meeting I'll get worried. Hand sanitizing stations out with posters asking everyone to sanitize before and after classes.

Thursday - March 12th
9:00 am we get a call from a student who think they might have had contact with someone who was contagious. I start calling the health dept. and composing a letter saying we were staying open and taking precautionary measures. False alarm.  Signs up to remind calm, and to ask people to wait outside instead of in the lobby to avoid germs. It gets real - I purchase 3 week sprayer and look up correct solution of how to mix disinfectant solution. The spray down begins at 7:30 pm. I go back in at 10:30 pm to compose a letter to staff asking them to submit their needed pay to get through the next 2 weeks of limited classes.

Friday- March 13th
Email directors asking them to prep for filming of viritual classes for the next 2 weeks. More emails about employees, teams, spray down of everything including carpet, rugs, desks handles. Preschool room #3 & #4 closed and sanitized. Locked until further notice. Homrooms disinfected and locked until further notice. Mardi gets a tip that governor will cancel schools at 4:00 pm. I head down and revise the above letter implementing a 2 week class suspension. All classes canceled starting Monday except for teams. Voice mail change asking people to email and not call or leave messages. I ask DarLa to monitor Social Media. I ask Ashley to monitor email. I leave at 6:30 grab the girls and go to the show Throughly Modern Millie.

Saturday - March 14th
We start the morning cleaning The Peak. Continue the spray down. I get text after text from staff trying to understand their assignment. I send videos of examples. We are scheduled to film Sunday starting at 4:00 pm. The church cancels all Sacrament meetings. Disneyland and Disneyworld are closing until April. Some of the Mag 7 choosing to stay open. I start working on email formatting. Sick sick sick but eating to fill the pit. Call for even greater social distancing called upon.

Sunday - March 15th
I go for a run. It is is the hardest 3.1 I have ever done. Looking for an outlet and release and still not getting any relief. We walk and talk as a family and the kids don't seem to get how much their behavior is sucking the last bit of life out of me. We come home to sacrament meeting in our home, followed by scripture study and still constant interruptions and texts. 4 o;clock is going to come very quickly and it does. Preschool, Jr gym, Cheer, Gymnastics, Urban Gym, Tumbling, Aerial Silk - all filmed. So much editing to do. Get home at 8:00 and I can't even face it. DJ rubs my feet and we watch Sherlock. I get a message from a team mom questioning whether we should hold practice or not. Sick again. Can't sleep. Want to sleep. Want to escape. Go to sleep at 10:30pm

Monday - March 16th - Today
I wake up at 4:30am and start editing. Still sick to my stomach. I work until 7:30 and sleep for 30 minutes until 8:00. Get up and get ready to go. Poppy and Gable are awake. DJ goes to work. I go to work at 8:40. Continue editing and working on getting them uploaded and challenge calendars loaded. DarLa and Ashley arrive and start working through emails and messages. We credit back 2 team comps. Working on figuring out all the rest. Mardi texts asking for a call. She explains that new restrictions limit over 50. All dine in restaurants to close by weeks end. They are expecting a 8 week closure which means we close until June. What to do. Layoff or furlough is best for employees. What can we afford. Who can we take care of .  D E F E A T  sinks in. It's done. The fight is over before it really began. I couldn't keep up or catch up. It's over and I'm writing a letter to tell my 40 employees that there is no more until June and even then I am praying that we can make ends meet.

Gone are my kitchen remodel plans. Gone is the $400 cleaning money. Gone is the Las Vegas trip at Spring Break. Gone is the day to day life of fun and classes and enjoyment. Now comes a new reality of I'm not sure what. No visits to Gr. & Gr. No friends at the park. No for my kids getting love and validation from their teachers and coaches. No more dance solos or recitals. Nothing to show for the months of hard work for the girls. The years of hard work of mine at The Peak. It's all gone.

I'm not saying it can't/won't be done. I'm not saying it can't be great. I'm saying right now I have no interest in either. I have no joy for the change. I have no desire for the change. I'm defeated. I am sad. I am angry, so tired and disappointed that all the effort was in vain. Too tired to feel. Too much of too much to breath.

Shaking With Anger

I have never been this mad in a very long time. All-Star Cheer manager just emailed me 3 x about private lessons and how she doesn't want to follow Peak Policy about scheduling through the front desk. How that is a bad use of her time, not fair to her girls, and not conscious of her time.

Literally shaking inside. So so mad. If there is anything I am good it it is use of time. If there is one thing that I have consistently done it is to listen to her concerns.

I replied back that it was unfortunate that her choice not to continue lessons will hurt the girls. She replied back that she is sad I show no concern for her and that she will make it known to Peak Parents that she is not doing lessons because of our policy. RESPECT is dead!

Why does this one person make things so hard for me. I have come in on Fridays. I have sat and listened to her. I just bought her $230 worth of Velcro that helps no other program but I never listen. Makes perfect sense right!

Why oh why do I even try. Sadly this has tainted the whole Cheer sport for me. If I hear anything more about it - It will be too soon.

Lindsey and I just spoke to about making her a sub contractor and while I think initially it is a great idea I don't think it would solve the problems of her attitude.

What to do... Move on obviously, but still hard.

Are you kiddin me?

One word - Cornoravirus - or whatever you are or how ever you are spelled... this is getting a bit ridiculous. I might end up eating my word when we all get sick and die of it, but this is getting crazy. There is nothing on the shelves. You would think it was the apocalypse but it's just a different type of flu.

A liter of hand sanitizer is going for $200!!! There is no children's pain relievers on the shelves and toilet paper is in high demand. Let's hope a new shipment comes in by Saturday when we go to sams.

This makes me think of the damage that a 24 hr news cycle can do along with misinformation being spread rampantly through social media channels.

Perhaps this is also why I don't try and keep a 72 hour kit. I truly don't want to live through the first 72 hours after a disaster. Hope I die and get it done with. Can't imagine the complaining no matter WHAT I might have for the kiddos. The whining now is enough. I know I couldn't handle it then. I would need double the meds. Maybe that is what I should be stocking up on.

Either way - I'm not much of a worrier. I don't find it useful. I don't find it fun. I find it a compete waste of my time. That is not to say I don't worry. I worry about my kids ALL THE FREAKING TIME! So much that the worrying bothers me as well. Too bad I can't reason myself out of that bad habit.

To wrap it up - It's gonna all be ok and perhaps we can try focusing on the meaningful things within our grasp to control since viruses and people are out of the question.

On The Page - Full

Finished running on a Monday for the first time in 2 weeks at as I was heading up to bed I decided I really wanted to journal.

Today I have felt FULL. My day was full to the brink. Classes, tasks, meetings, kids, emails, filming etc....

I also ate. I ate almost 3 FULL meals today. I know that sounds silly but I really don't usually make time to eat 3x a day. I eat more than that, but not usually meals. Today I took time to eat breakfast and it was good.

I was FULL of compassion. Very few bad feelings. My goal this week was to no gossip about anyone or talk badly of anyone at work. It worked. There were moments of frustration, but nothing out of control or within my ability to control.

I was FULL of fulfillment. I felt good about what I was doing in life today. Dabble where I can and do what I'm able.

I was full of LOVE for my kids. I had a chat with Poppy about her feelings tonight which lead me to Hazel to discuss how we can change there and explain challenges the Gable has and to wrap it up Jude gave her a hug when he left her. FULL

My body was FULL of energy and joy as I ran and worked out. No matter if I loose all the weight and burdens as quickly as I would like - my body had enough fuel to do what I was asking.

We had a FULL scripture study. I wasn't worried that we were going to make the 8:30 bedtime. We talked - we discussed - we learned.

MY LIFE IS FULL.... I am living in an abundant life and I need to not dread the fullness but instead embrace the opportunities I am afforded to fill in all my cracks with such good things.''

Sweet Spot

Found my sweet spot tonight running. Finally after 6 weeks of running 2-3 x a week I found it. Been years since I've been there. I found it 5.3 miles per hour 11:11 minute mile. I've added a 20 lb weight vest for the first 20 minutes then I take it off walk for a minute and then head back for a 10 minute straight run. It was great to be there. It was great to feel good again.

I also joined Weight Watchers again and while I've only lost 3 lbs I am being more conscious and responsible for my choices. The 20 lbs remind me of what I was like when I was pregnant. I lost that much and now I'm looking to loose another 15-20. I did it once and can do it again. I imagine not carrying around that much extra and I think of my body not holding that much and I am so grateful that has carried me this far.

It also makes me wonder how much mental weight I am carrying around. I need to unload it more often. I need to feel confident in myself that I don't need to carry around other people's opinion anymore. I need to let go of the worry and hold on more to the love and joy.

Now to work on finding my mental and spiritual sweet spot as hard as I've worked on finding my physical sweet spot.

Bad Taste

Wanna know why I hope my girls are NOT cheerleaders - Working with cheer at The Peak has left such a bad taste in my mouth that I want to steer clear of it at all costs. Seriously, it is hard to keep neutral feelings for it when all they do is complain - Bitch and Moan with no thought or regard to the why and balance of everything else. They are more important than anything or anyone else.

Our cheer director might really be the end of me here at The Peak. I never want to quite, yell, and swear so much as when I'm dealing with her and her damn tears. Grow up and think outside of yourself for once!

I spend way to much time and energy on them and all their many situations. So what to do? Honestly no idea. I can explain my side all damn day and it will still not make any differences. She will whine until she gets her way, but I am going to do my best to ensure that things are fair on all sides.

This will not matter in 5 years unless she is still here. So that whole 5/5/5/5 things doesn't really work. Damn IT.

So at this point going to remove myself from it and let Mardi address it - as long as she holds firm to the vision I am creating. So now to email her that task.

Action is Motivation

Today I didn't want to go to work. I slept (not a completely accurate description) in Jude's bed since he was in with DJ. Gable is squeaky on the top bunk. His pillow is SO HARD, and my feet were hot. Gable wet his bed. Jude started crying at 6am. Went back to sleep at 7 and I thought I was going to make it happen but no he woke back up at 8 and holy hell he has been the grumpiest baby EVER.

I got to work and realized DarLa was going to need to go home as well to be with her sick kiddo so I hunkered down and started making a big floor schedule. After talking with Mardi I feel like I'm the right track and my concerns are valid. This means I will need to have a serious discussion with Sam - hopefully tomorrow.

It is not going to be easy or comfortable but it is necessary. The decline of other program has happened because of the increase of cheer, but we are topped out there so we need to find the balance.

Just starting with action created the motivation needed to continue. Don't know why those first steps, those first thoughts, first push is so hard. Like rolling a car - once you get it going it's so easy to keep the movement once it's started. Need to remember that - Just start. It will get easier - no matter how hard it is to start.

x

Living in My Head

Lots going on and I haven't journaled which means I am not sleeping. Tonight will be the last straw because Jude is in my bed sleeping.

Today I felt like I was picking on cheer. I didn't mean to. It wasn't intentional. Today my focus was on another program and cheer was unintentionally making it hard for me to do my job.

I feel that cheer takes advantage of The Peak. They demand their way and usually end up getting it. They take the most time to manage, keep happy, and pick up after. It's frustrating. I realize they are not meaning to be BUT they are!

-They demand to use the big floor for a continuous hour which means that those classes never get to use it.
-The stop the gym music to do their routine and then don't start it again.
-Their kids bring their personal items into the gym and leave them for everyone to trip over the rest of the night.
-They can't use the water fountain like everyone else and I pick their water bottles up every morning because neither them or their coaches do
-I pick up their coaches coats and shoes daily.
-The leave their stuff all over the lobby and don't watch their kids who cause havoc
-They don't want to join in warm ups and make a big deal when asked
-The love to show all their stuff off in front of all the other parents which then makes other parents/kids left out fiiz, doughnuts etc...

So what to do? I need to talk with Sam and Abby about it. Listen to their concerns and then come up with a plan. Too bad they are hardest ones to talk to right now.

So set it up for Friday right?

Feelings - Buried Alive Never Die

Happy 2020, but I have some major mind games going on all going back to a "family meeting" called by Jami at the Baxter Christmas party to discuss the plans for reunions from now on. I HATE these kinds of discussions because they are never fair or equal. They are never in my favor and my opinion is never valued. This one was no different and I haven't talked to anyone but Jesse since then. I have not answered calls. I have not answered texts. I have changed our bday traditions all to avoid family. I have changed my focus to match those of my siblings and at this point I am only going to worry about my own immediate family's wants and desires so the rest be damned. This is hard because I inherently think of what is good for the whole first and me second. I believe that is what makes me a good leader and manager, but provably what makes me a bad mom so there you go.

My emotions were so screwed up that when I got pulled over for a headlight being out the officer asked if I needed an escort home because I was crying so hard. It messed with my head that I lost it the next day with Hazel and got very physical and angry at her. My family and myself suffered because of these feeling and they still are.

Right now the kids are down playing with DJ and I'm up trying to rid myself of these emotions so I can be a person again. So I don't avoid them and interacting with them. So I can love them without the fear of them turning on me or hurting my feelings. Right now I have no love to give to anyone including myself. I have stuffed so much down inside that I'm afraid it will bubble up. I'm afraid I"m going to loose it with the kids. I'm dead inside. I have nothing to offer and merely surviving right now.

I hate not feeling and I hate the results of feeling. There is no happy medium. I can't seem to find a foot hold anywhere to get a leg up.

Is this the life I want to live? Hell no. So next question is what kind of life do I want to live?
I want to feel JOY
I want to ACCEPT my Saviors love.
I want to RECOGNIZE God's hand daily
I want to show LOVE to my family
I want to have AFFECTION for all my family members.
I want to be PASSIONATELY in love with DJ
I wan to experience CONFIDENCE not just fake it
I want to have CALM in my mind and spirit
I want to feel PEACE after hard situations
I want to find DIRECTION when seeking guidance
I want to know my WORTH and remember it when I waiver
I want my body to be a STRONG tool to live this life as I wish
I want my NEEDS to be a priority
I want my TALENTS to be utilized

The how is the hard part. I really think that I need to get into therapy. I need to do some research and find a way to get rid of these feelings that are holding me in the past. This is the first step.