It's my Dark Day. I didn't even realize it until DJ told me he put the flag out. I think my body and mind knew because it had already been a hard morning with Hazel, but somehow by the grace of God I put her in a flag shirt today.
It's September 11, 2015 - it is 14 years since the twin towers came down. It is 14 years since my perception shifted. It is 14 years since I have watched any images of falling towers. It is 14 years since I have seen fleeing people scared and devastated by such severe destruction and callous display of human life. It is 14 years since United We Stand became a statement of belief was proudly displayed. It is 14 years since I visited DC for the first time. It is 14 years since I had my bag checked before entering a museum for the very first time. It is 14 years since I made that questioning call to my dad seeking solace and answers I knew would assist my minds processing ability. It is 14 years since I wrote my only published paper. It is 14 years since I have read my story because the pain of remembering what happened 14 years ago is so excruciating that I am typing with my eyes closed in order to cope.
14 years ago I changed. It is hard to describe what changed. It is hard to explain why it still brings me to my knees. That day when I saw the plane hit the 2nd building, as I watched and heard the news of such sadness, as I was enveloped by such unimaginable tragedy... my soul was ripped. It is not a tear that can be totally repaired. The scar is evident and literally painful every year on this day. It has not healed. I am unsure if it ever will.
This does not mean that I do not trust God, or that I am afraid, or that I am depressed and easily swayed by worldly events. Horrible things happen every day. I realize that, but THIS EVENT was my war. It was my mass casualty. It is my sorrow. I remember EVERYTHING. Every detail every moment when my soul was tugged a little bit more. This mind of mine which sees it all though a lens.... was the camera of all the tragedies, the heroics, the uniting, and the dividing. My minds box of these events is closed 364 days of the year, but on this day. It opens up. I review the film. I see myself, my surroundings. I FEEL it all over and over. The 3 days of constant updates, reviews, stories, press conferences, telethons, pictures. They are all there and demand to be re examined. I don't know why. I'm not sure if everyone does the same thing. Yes we put out our flags. We post on social media. We see updates on the survivors, while honoring the fallen, but it's different for me. The personal examination of myself and my experience is something I cannot forget.
While there is much said about what happened after. What was done, why it was done, and what we did/how/why we did it after. This I know. For a brief time. The UNITED States were united by grief, grace, and glory. We were together in caring, causes, and one certainty, United We Stand. I think that is how I deal every year with this immense flood of emotion. I relive the horror and sadness. I remember the images. I recall the stories. This all completely drains me physically and mentally. Then I remember the Uniting. This is how it must end. Without the finale the pain would be too much. As I entered the DC Mall area 14 years ago for the first time and was awestruck with the sheer amount of flags adorning every surface. I can still see the United We Stand banner hung on the light posts. As I stood at the Pentagon and saw the raw determination of a few to save many, I was humbled. We are united. We DO NOT have to agree on everything to unite, but at that moment we did agree. Something horrific had happened and we were going to pick up the pieces, take care of whom we could, share was we offered, and try to remember that together we can do amazing things.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Why is Simple so Hard
I was reading the other day (ok scanning - I don't remember the last reading I did) and it said," It's just as simple and hard as this." It screamed truth because the simplest things are the hardest for me to do! WHY......!!!! Honestly can't something be simple and EASY? I'm tired and most days it is just EASIER to text a little note than sit down and write it. Heck that is simple in comparison to finding an envelope and stamp these days.
I have prided (thanks Baxter blood) myself on working hard. It is a family trait. We will physically out work anyone. That is our competition. We will WORK until we ruin our bodies, out minds, the project, amd sometimes relationships, but no one will out work us. So this thought of having to do the simple things sounds so hard!
I have been looking through the lens at myself. My body is a challenge to me. My tear in my disk is a constant bother down my left side. My varicose veins are so ugly and I'm trying to take care of. My bunions are beyond ugly and making their way out of any and all shoes I have. Let's not even mention how the complete lack of activity due to the injury has affected my body and in turn my mind and confidence. These physical manifestations... what are they saying to me. What is my body telling me. I really feel (awe ha moment yesterday talking with Barbie and Jesse for the first time in weeks) that I need to SLOW it down. I need to do less. I need to SIMPLIFY.. that is so hard for me. I LOVE adding. I love having my walls, my plate, my closet full, and my schedule full.
I feel accomplished with so much to do. I do not yet feel accomplished holding Gable while he drinks each bottle of milk. I do not feel accomplished playing a game with Poppy Mae. I do not feel accomplished watching Hazel's choreograph show for the 100X that day. Ok, but in reality are these the things that should make me feel good? Yes! These little people are what matter most to me, but sometimes I think they get the littles portion I can give them. I think that providing them food counts as love, but umm they provably could eat mac and cheese all day everyday and be fine so who am I kidding!
I really think the simple + hard thing for me is PEOPLE. Let me date myself but in high school MTV had a show named Daira and her motto was People are Hell! I grabbed onto it and honestly lots of days still feel that way, but people are also LIFE and LOVE. Writing the damn note and finding a stamp may be the most important thing that day. Thomas S. Monson said, "Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved." Problems are going to be there every day. Many of the problems I create (ughh) but I focus on solving things and checking them off my list that I forget the people are the most important part of my problems. Loving them, being with them, and simply listening to them will simplify the problems and offer me the deep accomplishment that I'm seeking for, the kind with more staying power because it's stored up in the soul.
Simple + Hard = WORTH all the effort it takes. People - it's as simple as that. People are the important "things" and need to be treated with such a deep love, respect, and reverence that we show to the material things that we obsess over. Our phones, our computers, our cars, our vacations, our JOBS.... we work so HARD to get these things, but the important "things" like relationships, feelings, hearts, and souls we rarely give as much time and attention to attain.
Here is my internal battle cry.... PEOPLE put my TIME, ATTENTION, PASSION into the really important and lasting things that will last longer than a 2 year contract.
I have prided (thanks Baxter blood) myself on working hard. It is a family trait. We will physically out work anyone. That is our competition. We will WORK until we ruin our bodies, out minds, the project, amd sometimes relationships, but no one will out work us. So this thought of having to do the simple things sounds so hard!
I have been looking through the lens at myself. My body is a challenge to me. My tear in my disk is a constant bother down my left side. My varicose veins are so ugly and I'm trying to take care of. My bunions are beyond ugly and making their way out of any and all shoes I have. Let's not even mention how the complete lack of activity due to the injury has affected my body and in turn my mind and confidence. These physical manifestations... what are they saying to me. What is my body telling me. I really feel (awe ha moment yesterday talking with Barbie and Jesse for the first time in weeks) that I need to SLOW it down. I need to do less. I need to SIMPLIFY.. that is so hard for me. I LOVE adding. I love having my walls, my plate, my closet full, and my schedule full.
I feel accomplished with so much to do. I do not yet feel accomplished holding Gable while he drinks each bottle of milk. I do not feel accomplished playing a game with Poppy Mae. I do not feel accomplished watching Hazel's choreograph show for the 100X that day. Ok, but in reality are these the things that should make me feel good? Yes! These little people are what matter most to me, but sometimes I think they get the littles portion I can give them. I think that providing them food counts as love, but umm they provably could eat mac and cheese all day everyday and be fine so who am I kidding!
I really think the simple + hard thing for me is PEOPLE. Let me date myself but in high school MTV had a show named Daira and her motto was People are Hell! I grabbed onto it and honestly lots of days still feel that way, but people are also LIFE and LOVE. Writing the damn note and finding a stamp may be the most important thing that day. Thomas S. Monson said, "Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved." Problems are going to be there every day. Many of the problems I create (ughh) but I focus on solving things and checking them off my list that I forget the people are the most important part of my problems. Loving them, being with them, and simply listening to them will simplify the problems and offer me the deep accomplishment that I'm seeking for, the kind with more staying power because it's stored up in the soul.
Simple + Hard = WORTH all the effort it takes. People - it's as simple as that. People are the important "things" and need to be treated with such a deep love, respect, and reverence that we show to the material things that we obsess over. Our phones, our computers, our cars, our vacations, our JOBS.... we work so HARD to get these things, but the important "things" like relationships, feelings, hearts, and souls we rarely give as much time and attention to attain.
Here is my internal battle cry.... PEOPLE put my TIME, ATTENTION, PASSION into the really important and lasting things that will last longer than a 2 year contract.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Soul Sister
EXPLODING... (know that sometimes these post out of order - I'm not bi-polar). I gotta meet a gal after my own heart. Speaks my language. Understands my crazy. DJ and I went up to SunValley to see.... wait for it..... GLENNON DOYLE MELTON! Now I have been following Glennon since she told me to stop the damn Carpe Diem and be real. That was 5 years ago, shortly after having Poppy Mae. To say that she got me is a total understatement. This lady was me - minus the addiction, Lyme, Florida, getting pregnant etc.... take away all that surface/environment stuff she gets me. I feel like I have a conversation with her every time she writes. I wanna do the whole... I KNOW... RIGHT! In my head we laugh and I comment something and we crack up and the deepness is so REAL. I feel like she is speaking right to me.
Anyway... she was speaking in Sun valley at a Wellness Festival and I freaking jumped at this opportunity to meet her. This is the closest she has ever been to me (4 hours away) and I was not going to let this chance go.
Now begins the embarrassing truths. I saw on IG that she was in IDAHO so obviously I ask all my other event friends if they know anyone in Sun valley - Strike One. So next obvious step is to stalk her on all available forms ie.. Instagram Tagging, Email, Facebook posting. I started out slow.... post a pic of us in the car saying where we are headed and who we are going to see. Then one of DJ & me in front of a Sun Valley sign saying we are here- Let's meet! No reply, so day of desperation - Maybe we will "run" into you Glennon, and lastly I'm here with the Dt Dr Pepper and your book - like a real bad version of you Got Mail with the book and the rose. Still no reply so as a last resort I just wait outside her presentation room.
Did I mention DJ and I ran/walked 6 miles that morning after nothing for like EVER!!!! Bad back - too much sun - not enough water and food led to a pretty intense migraine. We head to the front desk to grab some medicine and I heard squeals and I knew.... I knew she was there. I walked over to confirm and scampered back to tell DJ. He shooed me to go back and talk to her. I tried. I really tried, but I couldn't! I wanted perfection. I wanted to be AWESOME. I wanted her to KNOW it was me (promise I'm not a stalker). I took a picture of her though a mirror and then one of her walking away with.... CRAIG! Yes, Husband was there too.
I gabbed DJ explained the headache had vanished and we walked back to the room. She was gone. I didn't chase. I hugged my book (her book) and looked straight ahead whenever I wasn't looking sideways. Then she turned. She was walking back. She was heading my way. I WILL NOT STARE! I looked sideways and she saw me (and her book) and came and said Hi. Ok I have no idea what I said. Lots of I really like you. Thank You. You get me. I have lobsters. I'm a reckless truth teller. I don't carpe anything and other such nonsense PROVING that I am her #1 fan - WHAT THE????? My head was saying Who in the HELL have you just turned into? All I can her is my old mentor Mindy Benson saying - You do not get giddy in front of the talent. You do not say you love them, No AUTOGRAPHS! Keep your crazy to your self. You are there to make them feel safe and normal! TOTAL FAIL. I had a super fan inside that could not be contained. It is so great in my mind it's too hard to put into words, but seems like I had her attention - heck I even got a hug. I even got to talk to Craig and witness a parenting fail which made me realize the reality of the situation.
She was gracious - Lovely and of goo report - I seek after these things ;). I got a seat right in front so I could be right in her line of sight. 6 and left center (thank you theater degree). I laughed, I cried, I thought. I FELT!!! Her offerings were beautiful. Her responses were thoughtful and her presence was truth. I got a signature on my personal book full of little hands and dates. I even had Craig sign it because let's be honest, his story is in there as well, and he showed up.
I'm not sure how people that don't know each other can see and complete each other. I don't really believe in love at first sight but I do believe in Binding the Souls of Sisters and I feel bound to Glennon. She sees me even though she doesn't know/remember me. I see myself in her and perhaps that is enough. All we want it is to be seen and to see.
Anyway... she was speaking in Sun valley at a Wellness Festival and I freaking jumped at this opportunity to meet her. This is the closest she has ever been to me (4 hours away) and I was not going to let this chance go.
Now begins the embarrassing truths. I saw on IG that she was in IDAHO so obviously I ask all my other event friends if they know anyone in Sun valley - Strike One. So next obvious step is to stalk her on all available forms ie.. Instagram Tagging, Email, Facebook posting. I started out slow.... post a pic of us in the car saying where we are headed and who we are going to see. Then one of DJ & me in front of a Sun Valley sign saying we are here- Let's meet! No reply, so day of desperation - Maybe we will "run" into you Glennon, and lastly I'm here with the Dt Dr Pepper and your book - like a real bad version of you Got Mail with the book and the rose. Still no reply so as a last resort I just wait outside her presentation room.
Did I mention DJ and I ran/walked 6 miles that morning after nothing for like EVER!!!! Bad back - too much sun - not enough water and food led to a pretty intense migraine. We head to the front desk to grab some medicine and I heard squeals and I knew.... I knew she was there. I walked over to confirm and scampered back to tell DJ. He shooed me to go back and talk to her. I tried. I really tried, but I couldn't! I wanted perfection. I wanted to be AWESOME. I wanted her to KNOW it was me (promise I'm not a stalker). I took a picture of her though a mirror and then one of her walking away with.... CRAIG! Yes, Husband was there too.
I gabbed DJ explained the headache had vanished and we walked back to the room. She was gone. I didn't chase. I hugged my book (her book) and looked straight ahead whenever I wasn't looking sideways. Then she turned. She was walking back. She was heading my way. I WILL NOT STARE! I looked sideways and she saw me (and her book) and came and said Hi. Ok I have no idea what I said. Lots of I really like you. Thank You. You get me. I have lobsters. I'm a reckless truth teller. I don't carpe anything and other such nonsense PROVING that I am her #1 fan - WHAT THE????? My head was saying Who in the HELL have you just turned into? All I can her is my old mentor Mindy Benson saying - You do not get giddy in front of the talent. You do not say you love them, No AUTOGRAPHS! Keep your crazy to your self. You are there to make them feel safe and normal! TOTAL FAIL. I had a super fan inside that could not be contained. It is so great in my mind it's too hard to put into words, but seems like I had her attention - heck I even got a hug. I even got to talk to Craig and witness a parenting fail which made me realize the reality of the situation.
She was gracious - Lovely and of goo report - I seek after these things ;). I got a seat right in front so I could be right in her line of sight. 6 and left center (thank you theater degree). I laughed, I cried, I thought. I FELT!!! Her offerings were beautiful. Her responses were thoughtful and her presence was truth. I got a signature on my personal book full of little hands and dates. I even had Craig sign it because let's be honest, his story is in there as well, and he showed up.
I'm not sure how people that don't know each other can see and complete each other. I don't really believe in love at first sight but I do believe in Binding the Souls of Sisters and I feel bound to Glennon. She sees me even though she doesn't know/remember me. I see myself in her and perhaps that is enough. All we want it is to be seen and to see.
Keeping It Together...
I'm on my first family vacation in 6 months. I have painfully planned fun - excitmment - food - amusement - clothing. I have played it all out in my head for 3 weeks since I knew we "got the condo." So far this is how it has went.
Prep - CRAPPY! I yellled at the girls on Saturday more times than I could count. I spanked Gable for the first time ever. My house was a particular disaster that my parents had walked through. I still was not packed and there were people to see, Egg hunts to go to, and smiles to put on. Whenever I say the feared words... "I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS... I CAN'T DO MORE!" it all comes crashing down.
It's dumb really because I'm still standing there under it all still arms outstretched trying to catch everything I'm pulling down on top of my. Getting hurt - throwing things here and there - Pulling more down pushing people away and pulling them into the mess all at the same time. It's absurd. It makes no sense. It's damaging. It's deflating to me and so harmful for those around me.
Why am I trying to keep everything together? Puzzles suck when they are all put together right? Why do I want the flawless complexion. I honestly spent 20 minutes in the wal-mart isle trying to find facewash - wipes - lotion and anything that will make me feel better about myself. Did it work? I did find a nice clinique knock off lotion while MR. Gable crawled all over me - threw his ball into the shelving knocking everything over like bowling pins and of course the worker lady (who I went to school with) just happened to be walking by so I felt obligated to straighten it all up while refraining from strangling the little one who continued to knock more down at the other end of the isle. Have I mentioned he DOES NOT stay in the cart and will climb out with or without someone there to catch/help him?
So Why am I so afraid of the falling boxes? Why can't I just watch them fall, walk over to them, look at it, and simply either leave it because its too heavy to put back or if necessary just put it back in its place with out yelling all holy hell at everyone within listening distance.
I complain about my hands being so full and my back breaking from everything yet I continue to keep up the facade that its all in place. I'm the first one to tell everyone that I don't have it together. I don't want to be on their pedestal but I stand percariously on my own. IT's Bull Shit and I know it. I need to be ok with all the flawed, perfectly imperfect parts of myself and then maybe I can be ok with the same things in others. I NEED desperatly to fully love those around me. I LOVE them up to their flaws and then I halt in my tacks and put their flaws in my back pocket to pull out when I'm feeling melicious, jealous or, insecure and pull it out to feel better about me, but I can't love others until I love myself.
I still remember 7th grade health when Maslow's hiercy of needs was introduced. It is the only method or formula I remember from 7th grade but I am still stuck in the middle. Unable to get to the top becasue I can't love me. I look for things and people to love me but the cannot fill the holes long enough to keep me satisfied.
Time to re-find and re-defind who I am. Time to accept larger than average calves and stop trying to fit into 15" circumfrances and calling it comfortable. Time to accept others at the tarnished, beat up items I pickup at the DI and love them as is instead of constantly trying to paint them. Enough is enough and I'm too tired of being frustrated and prickly. Soft and smushy is who I wanna be. Don't need to pretend.
Prep - CRAPPY! I yellled at the girls on Saturday more times than I could count. I spanked Gable for the first time ever. My house was a particular disaster that my parents had walked through. I still was not packed and there were people to see, Egg hunts to go to, and smiles to put on. Whenever I say the feared words... "I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS... I CAN'T DO MORE!" it all comes crashing down.
It's dumb really because I'm still standing there under it all still arms outstretched trying to catch everything I'm pulling down on top of my. Getting hurt - throwing things here and there - Pulling more down pushing people away and pulling them into the mess all at the same time. It's absurd. It makes no sense. It's damaging. It's deflating to me and so harmful for those around me.
Why am I trying to keep everything together? Puzzles suck when they are all put together right? Why do I want the flawless complexion. I honestly spent 20 minutes in the wal-mart isle trying to find facewash - wipes - lotion and anything that will make me feel better about myself. Did it work? I did find a nice clinique knock off lotion while MR. Gable crawled all over me - threw his ball into the shelving knocking everything over like bowling pins and of course the worker lady (who I went to school with) just happened to be walking by so I felt obligated to straighten it all up while refraining from strangling the little one who continued to knock more down at the other end of the isle. Have I mentioned he DOES NOT stay in the cart and will climb out with or without someone there to catch/help him?
So Why am I so afraid of the falling boxes? Why can't I just watch them fall, walk over to them, look at it, and simply either leave it because its too heavy to put back or if necessary just put it back in its place with out yelling all holy hell at everyone within listening distance.
I complain about my hands being so full and my back breaking from everything yet I continue to keep up the facade that its all in place. I'm the first one to tell everyone that I don't have it together. I don't want to be on their pedestal but I stand percariously on my own. IT's Bull Shit and I know it. I need to be ok with all the flawed, perfectly imperfect parts of myself and then maybe I can be ok with the same things in others. I NEED desperatly to fully love those around me. I LOVE them up to their flaws and then I halt in my tacks and put their flaws in my back pocket to pull out when I'm feeling melicious, jealous or, insecure and pull it out to feel better about me, but I can't love others until I love myself.
I still remember 7th grade health when Maslow's hiercy of needs was introduced. It is the only method or formula I remember from 7th grade but I am still stuck in the middle. Unable to get to the top becasue I can't love me. I look for things and people to love me but the cannot fill the holes long enough to keep me satisfied.
Time to re-find and re-defind who I am. Time to accept larger than average calves and stop trying to fit into 15" circumfrances and calling it comfortable. Time to accept others at the tarnished, beat up items I pickup at the DI and love them as is instead of constantly trying to paint them. Enough is enough and I'm too tired of being frustrated and prickly. Soft and smushy is who I wanna be. Don't need to pretend.
Communication and Sleep
Who knows if I finished the last post, but who really cares right? So after an interesting meeting at work today and I have discovered two things. I am a natural communicator and a natural sleeper. Now you may think that these things cannot possibly go hand in hand but let me assure you that my talents in both areas are expounding.
After some very rough months and a complete breakdown I had to communicate my feelings about my current situation at work, and communicate I did. The final draft was almost 5 pages. I told you I can communicate - so much so I'm sure I'll be talking someones ear off and die while taking a breath. I had stayed up literally all night (sans 2 hours) typing it on my phone in the notes. We will worry about the carpal tunnel surgery bill later. I edited it - re-read it, critiqued it, read it to DJ (who always agrees with me), and then pressed send. After that I cried fearful tears knowing that what I just did could not be undone, but that my angst could not go on.
Today, almost 2 weeks later, this culminated in a meeting with the owner and my director. As they say all's well that ends well, and for me that means I was able to express my feelings, seek validation, ask for understanding, and requesting guidance. I still feel like I need all those things EVERY DAMN DAY! How sad is it for a 34 year old to need someone to say (and really mean) how are you doing? I like this! Excellent Job.. Let's try... Head this way... I want you to do this... and most of all the WHAT and WHY!
My poor parents. I'm sure I asked What and Why way too much. How did they survive me??? I still remember my first summer away at college and sitting for 2 hours simply talking - discussing - reflecting - responding. It was a THRILL I had never achieved. Now you gotta realize the people I was doing all this with were usually high - stoned - drunk and perhaps all 3 and there I was sober as cold Sunday morning, but it was REAL. I felt seen - validated - educated. Words are my thing. I think that is why I'm trying to outlet with this blog. I need them out of me. If I don't I build until I EXPLODE!
Here is my problem... I'm surrounded by beautiful little people who are still learning the beauty and power of words. I am answering their What and Why with no one to answer my own. Its tough to answer yourself because you cannot ever tell if you're on the right path or not. Others illuminate your path when you're stuck. This is a tricky thing for me. What to do? Read more - ya... I should actually read instead of listening, but this leads me to my next thing I seek desperately... SLEEP.
Every night (or nap) I listen to audio books. This has been my saving grace for the last 8 years. I listen to calm my mind- my nerves, focus my thoughts so I can empty everything out and rest. I use them to block out the breathing and not breathing of my new born babies, the knots in my stomach after vomit erupts, dull the coughing I cannot control in the other room, and the frustrations I feel to the guy sleeping soundly next to me.
Sleep is my medication right now. I used to work on 4-6 hours. I was EXCITED to get projects started and FINISHED. Now I think of how much sleep I have under my belt before I decide if I can start anything (still working on how to finish the many things). I evaluate my sleep ALL DAY LONG. Can I get up to workout? Did I get enough sleep to be a happy mom? Did I sleep enough to have enough energy to start painting? I'm too tired to bead jewelry today. Where do I start? Maybe I'll just sleep and see how I feel after that. It's killing me, my creativity, and my confidence because I am not doing what I think I should be doing.
AH I HATE THAT WORD Should- who says I should do anything. This internal voice of should of's is hurting me, and I have no one to share my coping words with. I am a natural talker but I have not talked to people enough to trust them with my words. I talk at people. Answer their questions in a general way, but never get to a safe zone of sharing. It's easier to just turn on Audible and listen away my internal voices and questions.
So for now maybe more sleep and more communication. Maybe I can sleep enough to listen to myself. Confident enough to do what that voice tells me to do. Brave enough to use my words before I turn into a vomitorium expelling everything bottled up inside.
After some very rough months and a complete breakdown I had to communicate my feelings about my current situation at work, and communicate I did. The final draft was almost 5 pages. I told you I can communicate - so much so I'm sure I'll be talking someones ear off and die while taking a breath. I had stayed up literally all night (sans 2 hours) typing it on my phone in the notes. We will worry about the carpal tunnel surgery bill later. I edited it - re-read it, critiqued it, read it to DJ (who always agrees with me), and then pressed send. After that I cried fearful tears knowing that what I just did could not be undone, but that my angst could not go on.
Today, almost 2 weeks later, this culminated in a meeting with the owner and my director. As they say all's well that ends well, and for me that means I was able to express my feelings, seek validation, ask for understanding, and requesting guidance. I still feel like I need all those things EVERY DAMN DAY! How sad is it for a 34 year old to need someone to say (and really mean) how are you doing? I like this! Excellent Job.. Let's try... Head this way... I want you to do this... and most of all the WHAT and WHY!
My poor parents. I'm sure I asked What and Why way too much. How did they survive me??? I still remember my first summer away at college and sitting for 2 hours simply talking - discussing - reflecting - responding. It was a THRILL I had never achieved. Now you gotta realize the people I was doing all this with were usually high - stoned - drunk and perhaps all 3 and there I was sober as cold Sunday morning, but it was REAL. I felt seen - validated - educated. Words are my thing. I think that is why I'm trying to outlet with this blog. I need them out of me. If I don't I build until I EXPLODE!
Here is my problem... I'm surrounded by beautiful little people who are still learning the beauty and power of words. I am answering their What and Why with no one to answer my own. Its tough to answer yourself because you cannot ever tell if you're on the right path or not. Others illuminate your path when you're stuck. This is a tricky thing for me. What to do? Read more - ya... I should actually read instead of listening, but this leads me to my next thing I seek desperately... SLEEP.
Every night (or nap) I listen to audio books. This has been my saving grace for the last 8 years. I listen to calm my mind- my nerves, focus my thoughts so I can empty everything out and rest. I use them to block out the breathing and not breathing of my new born babies, the knots in my stomach after vomit erupts, dull the coughing I cannot control in the other room, and the frustrations I feel to the guy sleeping soundly next to me.
Sleep is my medication right now. I used to work on 4-6 hours. I was EXCITED to get projects started and FINISHED. Now I think of how much sleep I have under my belt before I decide if I can start anything (still working on how to finish the many things). I evaluate my sleep ALL DAY LONG. Can I get up to workout? Did I get enough sleep to be a happy mom? Did I sleep enough to have enough energy to start painting? I'm too tired to bead jewelry today. Where do I start? Maybe I'll just sleep and see how I feel after that. It's killing me, my creativity, and my confidence because I am not doing what I think I should be doing.
AH I HATE THAT WORD Should- who says I should do anything. This internal voice of should of's is hurting me, and I have no one to share my coping words with. I am a natural talker but I have not talked to people enough to trust them with my words. I talk at people. Answer their questions in a general way, but never get to a safe zone of sharing. It's easier to just turn on Audible and listen away my internal voices and questions.
So for now maybe more sleep and more communication. Maybe I can sleep enough to listen to myself. Confident enough to do what that voice tells me to do. Brave enough to use my words before I turn into a vomitorium expelling everything bottled up inside.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Desire....
Imagine hearing U2's Bono singing DESIIIIIRE with the amazing/talented Edge serenading with the electric guitar in the background. That is about as much as I've got for that word right now. I am completely devoid of desire in all fronts. My work, my business, my body, my life, my marriage, my kids.... all of it is in a dangerous recession. I think this may be because I desire TO DO SO MUCH. The thoughts and the real and true desires are so completely overwhelming and consuming that they burn fast like hair (I know this personally but that is a WHOLE other story). I'm a flash in the pan type of desire. I CANNOT for love - $ - success keep my desires up and functioning.
I have so much desire that is unfulfilled that I simply cannot desire anything else. Its tragic in a way because I WANT it so bad. The desire.. to have desire.... is about as exhausting as all the un-manifested desires I have. This cycle is too much. Too Busy. Too Needy. Too Heavy. Too Hard. Will it end? And here goes.... how can I make it end? Doesn't that take desire? So here I stand with my head in hand wondering...
I desire SLEEP. I NEED sleep. I LOVE sleep and I used to forgo sleep to feed my desire. What changed? Kids changed it, but #3 did me in. I am tired. Too tired to do anything but internet shop. I am in debt with money. I'm in debt to my passions. I am in debt to personal success, my body, my business, my creativity, but all I want to do is sleep. I used to not be able to sleep because that desire kept me going. I used to thrive on 4-6 hours of sleep. Now I need 8 to make it through the day and for DJ to be home by 7:30 to take over before I loose it all.
What put out the flame? Did I do it? Did I let go when I should have held on, but how when holding onto the MUSTS takes everything within me? Sleep is the only answer right now. I need it. I long for it. I dream of sleeping until I decide to wake up and in turn sleeping when my body asks for it. Sleep for now is my only desire and I must give in and put all desires to bed with me.
I have so much desire that is unfulfilled that I simply cannot desire anything else. Its tragic in a way because I WANT it so bad. The desire.. to have desire.... is about as exhausting as all the un-manifested desires I have. This cycle is too much. Too Busy. Too Needy. Too Heavy. Too Hard. Will it end? And here goes.... how can I make it end? Doesn't that take desire? So here I stand with my head in hand wondering...
I desire SLEEP. I NEED sleep. I LOVE sleep and I used to forgo sleep to feed my desire. What changed? Kids changed it, but #3 did me in. I am tired. Too tired to do anything but internet shop. I am in debt with money. I'm in debt to my passions. I am in debt to personal success, my body, my business, my creativity, but all I want to do is sleep. I used to not be able to sleep because that desire kept me going. I used to thrive on 4-6 hours of sleep. Now I need 8 to make it through the day and for DJ to be home by 7:30 to take over before I loose it all.
What put out the flame? Did I do it? Did I let go when I should have held on, but how when holding onto the MUSTS takes everything within me? Sleep is the only answer right now. I need it. I long for it. I dream of sleeping until I decide to wake up and in turn sleeping when my body asks for it. Sleep for now is my only desire and I must give in and put all desires to bed with me.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Sitting
Why is the act of sitting feel so damn good. I often wonder at this wondrous act. I love to sit. I wish I loved to run and do important things as much as I simply love to sit and think of nothing and soak up the silliness of dumb TV and just sit.
It's been a long day; Work, Preschool, Lunch, Nap, Reading, IG/ReFiNDing, Dance, Gym, Grocery Shopping, Paint Picking, Working, Unloading, DI Finding, Dinner, Parent Teachers, Book Fair, Cheer, HOA Meeting. I think that is it. I judge my ability to wake up and run based upon how much will be going on that day and if I think I will have enough energy to make it through the day minus the calories and extra sleep that it takes to run in the morning.
I think I have learned to appreciate sitting this past year with my back problems being what they are. I can't sit more than 10 minutes without the ache going down my leg. Sitting also leads to hunched standing and hobbled walking. I miss sitting without constant adjustment.
Sitting is finally giving up and giving in. When I sit it means I'm done. It means I made it and it also means leave me be. Is there anything worse than sitting down just to have to get up again? I think this is why I secretly HATE meal time. I swear I never sit down. I also know this is why I can eat an entire 3 course meal in under 10 minutes. That is all the time I have to choke it down before someone needs something. It's just easier to go and take care of it than to try and wrangle the child BACK into the sitting position. Oh if they only knew how much they would miss it.
I'm standing now and really wishing I was sitting... stupid back!
It's been a long day; Work, Preschool, Lunch, Nap, Reading, IG/ReFiNDing, Dance, Gym, Grocery Shopping, Paint Picking, Working, Unloading, DI Finding, Dinner, Parent Teachers, Book Fair, Cheer, HOA Meeting. I think that is it. I judge my ability to wake up and run based upon how much will be going on that day and if I think I will have enough energy to make it through the day minus the calories and extra sleep that it takes to run in the morning.
I think I have learned to appreciate sitting this past year with my back problems being what they are. I can't sit more than 10 minutes without the ache going down my leg. Sitting also leads to hunched standing and hobbled walking. I miss sitting without constant adjustment.
Sitting is finally giving up and giving in. When I sit it means I'm done. It means I made it and it also means leave me be. Is there anything worse than sitting down just to have to get up again? I think this is why I secretly HATE meal time. I swear I never sit down. I also know this is why I can eat an entire 3 course meal in under 10 minutes. That is all the time I have to choke it down before someone needs something. It's just easier to go and take care of it than to try and wrangle the child BACK into the sitting position. Oh if they only knew how much they would miss it.
I'm standing now and really wishing I was sitting... stupid back!
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Confession
After the last post I honestly thought about giving up again. Wondered if this "therapy" was too painful for me and also feared what thoughts and emotions it might conjurer in my littles life later on once they get their hands on this (which they undoubtedly will).
The rest of the week sucked. The life/will/happiness was gone, hoovered right on our of my soul and I was dead and empty. I couldn't even sleep in my bed - punished myself sleeping on the couch which is a big punishment because I buy not for comfort but for the looks that I love. This french provincial tufted sofa IS NOT meant to be slept on! I'm screwed when I'm pregnant again and I knew this and I bought it anyway.
Back to the point... Pain was inherent everywhere I looked, and everything I did, and everything I did and didn't feel. I couldn't escape myself and my FAIL. It was my shadow growing bigger and bigger each time I tried to run from it. I was consumed. I couldn't see anything outside and worst of all I was slipping into the triggers that brought it on the first time. The kids could see it. I know they felt it and they tip toed around me speaking softly, and saying, "I Love You," all in hopes of bringing me back from the "place mama goes."
I have been visiting my "place" often latley and I'm sure they have noticed the increased frequency. They are brilliant in personal perception except when it's time to clean up the house.
DJ tried. He really did try, but I couldn't explain the pain of the Fail. I didn't want to tell him how often it had been happening and how honestly wasn't sure I could stop it. I wanted to keep everyone at a distance for their safely and to keep me from making the same mistakes. I couldn't bear another one. It would be too much.
I told him to cancel the V-day plans I know he was trying to make special. I really tried to be gracious when the kids gave me their card with kind words and bright flowers, but the shadow was eating me from the inside.
I went in my head and got my hands busy. I painted. I got everything off the walls and in the middle and I started to cut the edges. I went to the middle and I was able to create newness. It was a clean light color (far cry from the usual choice). DJ started to help. The progress was being made. The transformation was happening and the shadow got smaller. My mind came back to me. The shadow had loosened its grasp and I could see beyond the Fail. There were other things. There were walls and methods and efforts and change and there was help.
We worked late (no surprise) and got up and started again. It finished. The plans could still happen. Graciousness could be redeemed. Love could be shown, and most of all confession of doubt/fear/sorrow is much easier to do in a car with just 1 other person listening and no where else to go and no one else to listen to.
I now wear a rubber elastic to help snap me into reality (Ahh Jillian Anderson with Netflix The Fall - I might be forever grateful). I snap it a lot. I hope to snap it less. I don't think I will ever go a day with out snapping it but it helps. The simple pain reminds me of my shadow's pain that is just waiting to engulf me. For now I can maintain the shadow's size. I can keep it manageable - in my hands. I can put it aside once it comes to visit and give it little to no attention because these beautiful children of mine need all the attention I have to spare + more.
Hazel just walked down at 12:42 with all her bedding in her arms. Snapping - Snapping - Snapping. Did I mention I just folded ALL THE LAUNDRY. Attention...she's got it. SNAP!
The rest of the week sucked. The life/will/happiness was gone, hoovered right on our of my soul and I was dead and empty. I couldn't even sleep in my bed - punished myself sleeping on the couch which is a big punishment because I buy not for comfort but for the looks that I love. This french provincial tufted sofa IS NOT meant to be slept on! I'm screwed when I'm pregnant again and I knew this and I bought it anyway.
Back to the point... Pain was inherent everywhere I looked, and everything I did, and everything I did and didn't feel. I couldn't escape myself and my FAIL. It was my shadow growing bigger and bigger each time I tried to run from it. I was consumed. I couldn't see anything outside and worst of all I was slipping into the triggers that brought it on the first time. The kids could see it. I know they felt it and they tip toed around me speaking softly, and saying, "I Love You," all in hopes of bringing me back from the "place mama goes."
I have been visiting my "place" often latley and I'm sure they have noticed the increased frequency. They are brilliant in personal perception except when it's time to clean up the house.
DJ tried. He really did try, but I couldn't explain the pain of the Fail. I didn't want to tell him how often it had been happening and how honestly wasn't sure I could stop it. I wanted to keep everyone at a distance for their safely and to keep me from making the same mistakes. I couldn't bear another one. It would be too much.
I told him to cancel the V-day plans I know he was trying to make special. I really tried to be gracious when the kids gave me their card with kind words and bright flowers, but the shadow was eating me from the inside.
I went in my head and got my hands busy. I painted. I got everything off the walls and in the middle and I started to cut the edges. I went to the middle and I was able to create newness. It was a clean light color (far cry from the usual choice). DJ started to help. The progress was being made. The transformation was happening and the shadow got smaller. My mind came back to me. The shadow had loosened its grasp and I could see beyond the Fail. There were other things. There were walls and methods and efforts and change and there was help.
We worked late (no surprise) and got up and started again. It finished. The plans could still happen. Graciousness could be redeemed. Love could be shown, and most of all confession of doubt/fear/sorrow is much easier to do in a car with just 1 other person listening and no where else to go and no one else to listen to.
I now wear a rubber elastic to help snap me into reality (Ahh Jillian Anderson with Netflix The Fall - I might be forever grateful). I snap it a lot. I hope to snap it less. I don't think I will ever go a day with out snapping it but it helps. The simple pain reminds me of my shadow's pain that is just waiting to engulf me. For now I can maintain the shadow's size. I can keep it manageable - in my hands. I can put it aside once it comes to visit and give it little to no attention because these beautiful children of mine need all the attention I have to spare + more.
Hazel just walked down at 12:42 with all her bedding in her arms. Snapping - Snapping - Snapping. Did I mention I just folded ALL THE LAUNDRY. Attention...she's got it. SNAP!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Fail...
So I guess when the posts increase in frequency that is not a good thing. Epic failing happening right and left. Honestly can't keep things standing at this point. It feels like the movie Inception where when the dream ends the buildings start crashing down around and the rubble and debris is everywhere an while you try your damnedest to focus on getting the hell out of the mess you can't help but be distracted by the immense mess and overwhelming mass of stuff all over. All you can think is, "How in the hell did this ALL happen!"
Yep I have not idea how I got here. Things start so small for me. A simple un-followed direction that is repeated 1 too many times and the mental tape holding me together just falls apart and my mind is blown. The wreckage is horrible and my mind sees it all happening and as much as I try and gather the pieces of tape together to piece my mind back together but the explosions keep happening and triggers keep setting me off and there is no time to pull it all together and regain the control I need to save us all from the wrath of me.
Once its all destroyed the destruction inside me continues as I replay over and over what I said, what I did, how I must have looked how I sounded, and worst of all the eyes of those I just destroyed.
The triggers. What can I do with these pins that stick in me constantly. Just poking me. Annoying me. I swear these multiply by 10 with each additional kid. I was just at a marriage seminar (not my idea) and they asked everyone who grew up with a Fun Parent to raise their hand. Mine stayed down. Then they asked if THEY were the fun parent. Once again my hand stayed down. Now they didn't ask all parents how have restrained from beating your children today... raise your hand. How about all parents who listed to at least 1/2 of everything your kids said today.. raise your hand. Or better yet all parents who haven't ran away and will return tonight to their kids... raise their hand. Now shouldn't we celebrate those successes as well. Fun is great. Sanity is a must but for some reason we are simply expected to be/remain/continue to be sane.
I ALWAYS regret my snaps. I actually HATE that they happen more than anything in my life. I personally know the damage they do and to know that and to still give into that horrible habit makes it even worse. Kids are by nature resilient, but damage is remembered. It returns acutely in usually the most inopportune times in life. It also shapes us and that is why FAILURE on my part to control the triggers in turn triggers all my remembered failures and where one building might be falling at the first trigger, once it's over and I see the damage the whole city implodes and I run away from everything and everyone.
It always seems so hopeless to try and rebuild when I can't control my faults. I think, "IT will just happen again so why build it up. Just stay away and live in the current mess rather than start over just to do it all again."
Its exhausting to build everyday and to control the close calls. I'm just too tired to keep myself and the house, and my marriage, and my work, and my business, and my kids, and my church, and my testimony, and my community all together. Its just too much. I down right now. Really low. I'm not sure when I'll get out. I'll pretend as I do out of necessity, but that is about all the energy I have.
Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it ... yet." I loved those books. I loved that saying but life was much simpler when that ray of sunshine first entered. It still rings true even in the dust left by the destruction.
Yep I have not idea how I got here. Things start so small for me. A simple un-followed direction that is repeated 1 too many times and the mental tape holding me together just falls apart and my mind is blown. The wreckage is horrible and my mind sees it all happening and as much as I try and gather the pieces of tape together to piece my mind back together but the explosions keep happening and triggers keep setting me off and there is no time to pull it all together and regain the control I need to save us all from the wrath of me.
Once its all destroyed the destruction inside me continues as I replay over and over what I said, what I did, how I must have looked how I sounded, and worst of all the eyes of those I just destroyed.
The triggers. What can I do with these pins that stick in me constantly. Just poking me. Annoying me. I swear these multiply by 10 with each additional kid. I was just at a marriage seminar (not my idea) and they asked everyone who grew up with a Fun Parent to raise their hand. Mine stayed down. Then they asked if THEY were the fun parent. Once again my hand stayed down. Now they didn't ask all parents how have restrained from beating your children today... raise your hand. How about all parents who listed to at least 1/2 of everything your kids said today.. raise your hand. Or better yet all parents who haven't ran away and will return tonight to their kids... raise their hand. Now shouldn't we celebrate those successes as well. Fun is great. Sanity is a must but for some reason we are simply expected to be/remain/continue to be sane.
I ALWAYS regret my snaps. I actually HATE that they happen more than anything in my life. I personally know the damage they do and to know that and to still give into that horrible habit makes it even worse. Kids are by nature resilient, but damage is remembered. It returns acutely in usually the most inopportune times in life. It also shapes us and that is why FAILURE on my part to control the triggers in turn triggers all my remembered failures and where one building might be falling at the first trigger, once it's over and I see the damage the whole city implodes and I run away from everything and everyone.
It always seems so hopeless to try and rebuild when I can't control my faults. I think, "IT will just happen again so why build it up. Just stay away and live in the current mess rather than start over just to do it all again."
Its exhausting to build everyday and to control the close calls. I'm just too tired to keep myself and the house, and my marriage, and my work, and my business, and my kids, and my church, and my testimony, and my community all together. Its just too much. I down right now. Really low. I'm not sure when I'll get out. I'll pretend as I do out of necessity, but that is about all the energy I have.
Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is another day with no mistakes in it ... yet." I loved those books. I loved that saying but life was much simpler when that ray of sunshine first entered. It still rings true even in the dust left by the destruction.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Feel Too Much
I just read an essay yesterday on one of my favorite/life changing blogs http://momastery.com/blog. It was about envy. Envy/Jealousy... they seem to be by constant companions these days. They drift in and out of my daily life moment by moment. They follow me in happiness and ruin moments when I could be the kind/gracious person I so desire to be, but they come between me and the world to "protect me" so I don't have to "feel" too much. They make me feel less. Less creative, less worthy, less able, less loving.
In the essay the writer says Fat & Full. She spoke of desiring this feeling. Laugh yes a woman using these word in positive is pretty freaking amazing as well as revolutionary to that I give a oh ya! However when I hear that and feel the lack inside the juxtaposition is pain at its best.
Today was hard. I had sacrificed some personal time and attention to help a situation and instead of any thanks or praise or awe of talent I got anger directed at me due to the fact that I did they and someone already had. Now I know I was not in the wrong, but somehow I have a ridiculous ability to take others moods and internalize them. My highs and lows are so far and can be triggered in an instance. Now my heart says that my offering was good. The intention was right. The product was fantastic, but my mind rolls through the situation as I rewind and replay it over and over... getting more and more angry each time. Getting addition pain from the moment, making the hurt deeper, wider, and one that will most likely scar.
I came home feeling empty and defeated. My NEED to feel full was immense! In the past I would wallow, get angry at the kids who were keeping me from being fabulous and achieving notoriety and success. I would watch my show, eat everything, and be mad. Today after reading Fat & Full I searched for anything (besides food) to fill me up. The grace of the moment was realizing that loving my beautiful children, feeding them, riding bikes, playing outside, dancing, and focusing exclusively on them filled me up to the brim and past overflowing. These beautiful people who "keep me" from being the person I once was are allowing me to become the person I want to be.
Now don't get me wrong. The suck it out of me too. There are time when I have nothing in me to offer them, they have taken it all. Other times they are the FULLNESS I was seeking. They love me. They replace the emptiness, and their laughter is louder than my mind, and the pervious moments of anger and hurt are recorded over with sunlight, bumblebees in February, and smiles. The pictures and videos are completed. My mind has captured the moment. Now it's time to keep the emptiness away and fill up with the things my heart guides me to. Another movie tomorrow, Drama was today, maybe a Comedy, Love Story, or Biography tomorrow. Only time will tell.
In the essay the writer says Fat & Full. She spoke of desiring this feeling. Laugh yes a woman using these word in positive is pretty freaking amazing as well as revolutionary to that I give a oh ya! However when I hear that and feel the lack inside the juxtaposition is pain at its best.
Today was hard. I had sacrificed some personal time and attention to help a situation and instead of any thanks or praise or awe of talent I got anger directed at me due to the fact that I did they and someone already had. Now I know I was not in the wrong, but somehow I have a ridiculous ability to take others moods and internalize them. My highs and lows are so far and can be triggered in an instance. Now my heart says that my offering was good. The intention was right. The product was fantastic, but my mind rolls through the situation as I rewind and replay it over and over... getting more and more angry each time. Getting addition pain from the moment, making the hurt deeper, wider, and one that will most likely scar.
I came home feeling empty and defeated. My NEED to feel full was immense! In the past I would wallow, get angry at the kids who were keeping me from being fabulous and achieving notoriety and success. I would watch my show, eat everything, and be mad. Today after reading Fat & Full I searched for anything (besides food) to fill me up. The grace of the moment was realizing that loving my beautiful children, feeding them, riding bikes, playing outside, dancing, and focusing exclusively on them filled me up to the brim and past overflowing. These beautiful people who "keep me" from being the person I once was are allowing me to become the person I want to be.
Now don't get me wrong. The suck it out of me too. There are time when I have nothing in me to offer them, they have taken it all. Other times they are the FULLNESS I was seeking. They love me. They replace the emptiness, and their laughter is louder than my mind, and the pervious moments of anger and hurt are recorded over with sunlight, bumblebees in February, and smiles. The pictures and videos are completed. My mind has captured the moment. Now it's time to keep the emptiness away and fill up with the things my heart guides me to. Another movie tomorrow, Drama was today, maybe a Comedy, Love Story, or Biography tomorrow. Only time will tell.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
I hate 3:00
So it's early out and only 2:34 but I still hate the whole idea around 3:00 and even if it is earlier one day a week (DO NOT get me started on all this late start/early out crap. I really did go to school from 8:00-2:45 EVERY DAY for 12 years. I remember it well). Suddenly in the very middle of the day you are magically suppose to have dinner in your head, the house cleaned, happy face on and car ready to roll. Oh I forgot to mention be excited to do the homework NO BODY wants do.
If life ran according to me we would all sleep from 2:30-4:00 every day and just bypass all the yuckiness of 3:00. Maybe then I would wake up thrilled to do spelling AGAIN and delighted to read with you the books we both despise. I still wouldn't think of dinner until 6:00pm when it is time to eat. Sorry that is just the way I roll. Good thing I live nowhere that offers a decent variety of takeout. There was a time I had a $200 a month budget for takeout... oh those were the days. The last 7 years have been a living hell. What can I say.
Actually they haven't been bad, but I miss my budget for takeout. I also miss my nap that allows 3:00 to be skipped. Much about the previous life I miss, but I would miss the little bodies more. I would miss them running around in their underwear. I would miss their kisses. I would miss their hand holding. I still have a 7 year old who loves to hold my hand. They have taught their 1 year old brother to be an excellent hand holder. Sometimes I wish my hands were empty. Lots of times I wish my fists were full of dollars (movie reference... do you know who) but I do love what they are full of most of the time. Hair, Food, iPad, Keys, Bottles, Books, Pencils, Brooms, Vacuums, Paint Brushes (crap need to get another coat on before I go start the chauffeuring). My hands are full. People tell me or comment on that ll the time, but I want them to know that they are full of more things than just these ever delightful children. My hands have always been full. I live with a full pallet. It didn't empty and become full again when motherhood began. All I did was push things together. Scrunched it up and found space for it all.
I'm being paged because the 38lb 7 year old cannot get the 30lb 1 year old out of the crib. Yep... my hands are full of something alright!
If life ran according to me we would all sleep from 2:30-4:00 every day and just bypass all the yuckiness of 3:00. Maybe then I would wake up thrilled to do spelling AGAIN and delighted to read with you the books we both despise. I still wouldn't think of dinner until 6:00pm when it is time to eat. Sorry that is just the way I roll. Good thing I live nowhere that offers a decent variety of takeout. There was a time I had a $200 a month budget for takeout... oh those were the days. The last 7 years have been a living hell. What can I say.
Actually they haven't been bad, but I miss my budget for takeout. I also miss my nap that allows 3:00 to be skipped. Much about the previous life I miss, but I would miss the little bodies more. I would miss them running around in their underwear. I would miss their kisses. I would miss their hand holding. I still have a 7 year old who loves to hold my hand. They have taught their 1 year old brother to be an excellent hand holder. Sometimes I wish my hands were empty. Lots of times I wish my fists were full of dollars (movie reference... do you know who) but I do love what they are full of most of the time. Hair, Food, iPad, Keys, Bottles, Books, Pencils, Brooms, Vacuums, Paint Brushes (crap need to get another coat on before I go start the chauffeuring). My hands are full. People tell me or comment on that ll the time, but I want them to know that they are full of more things than just these ever delightful children. My hands have always been full. I live with a full pallet. It didn't empty and become full again when motherhood began. All I did was push things together. Scrunched it up and found space for it all.
I'm being paged because the 38lb 7 year old cannot get the 30lb 1 year old out of the crib. Yep... my hands are full of something alright!
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Jealousy... thy name is mine!
You know that Jealousy... has the word lousy in it right? Because it makes you feel down right lousy. Its a giving feeling because it makes you feel bad about feeling that way yet you feel that way and you know you shouldn't but you still do and that makes you feel worse. It's one of the feelings that I really hate and for some reason in my life right now it is ever prevalent and I SEE everyone thorough these green colored glasses.
I know the obstacles are the path and I know I am enough. Sometimes I even believe both of those things. I know more ideas will come and that I need to let go of the ones I can't grab onto but for the love of all that is good. WHY IS MY BOAT STILL NOT COMING IN!!! I will never understand this about my life.
I am an ambitious woman. I embrace this. Have since a child. I have vision. I work HARD. I LIKE TO WORK HARD. I am dedicated. I am loyal. I am determined. I have MANY skills. I learn quickly so tell my WHY are none of the things I am working on - working to - trying hard at - working my guts out for - spending my soul, $$, and time on NEVER working out?
I have two wonderful/kind women whom I encouraged to go out and start their own thing. I perhaps even PUSHED them hard at times. Gave them encouragement, ideas, thoughts, advice, and attention. Guess what... they are FREAKING successful. Like successful in the fact that they can walk away from their other jobs if they want - when they want. Not only can they walk away but they could be welcomed back with open arms. They know this. There is power in this knowledge. Now I know if I left my job I could provably go back. My problem is what am I leaving it for? There is no soft lighting that I can see in my future. I am running so hard and fast in place and going no where. If I stopped I would be in the same exact place feeling the same way except less tired.
So how can I feel this way and still not be the mean jealous/spiteful person that no one likes. Ok maybe I am already her but I always say sorry and can put the happy face on. I can be who I need to be. The problem is that I really want to be happy for them. I want to be happy for me. I want to BE me. The person I was designed to be. The person I was at one time. I miss that person. I miss being consulted. I miss walking around and people thinking while I was a hard ass I knew my stuff and was good at it. I want people to look at me and not wonder what happened to that Josie Beth girl... I thought she would really be something. I want to be whatever they thought I would become!
So what to do now. I know I should pray and look for blessings. I know this and I believe it but I just don't want to do it so I think for right now. I will cry a little. Write it down and PRAY that no one reads it ever. Tomorrow I will try hard to be happy for everyone including myself. I will buy a good luck gift for the lady meeting with Hollywood and get a nice card for the other one who has so many clients she is turning people away. Yeah... for me!
I know the obstacles are the path and I know I am enough. Sometimes I even believe both of those things. I know more ideas will come and that I need to let go of the ones I can't grab onto but for the love of all that is good. WHY IS MY BOAT STILL NOT COMING IN!!! I will never understand this about my life.
I am an ambitious woman. I embrace this. Have since a child. I have vision. I work HARD. I LIKE TO WORK HARD. I am dedicated. I am loyal. I am determined. I have MANY skills. I learn quickly so tell my WHY are none of the things I am working on - working to - trying hard at - working my guts out for - spending my soul, $$, and time on NEVER working out?
I have two wonderful/kind women whom I encouraged to go out and start their own thing. I perhaps even PUSHED them hard at times. Gave them encouragement, ideas, thoughts, advice, and attention. Guess what... they are FREAKING successful. Like successful in the fact that they can walk away from their other jobs if they want - when they want. Not only can they walk away but they could be welcomed back with open arms. They know this. There is power in this knowledge. Now I know if I left my job I could provably go back. My problem is what am I leaving it for? There is no soft lighting that I can see in my future. I am running so hard and fast in place and going no where. If I stopped I would be in the same exact place feeling the same way except less tired.
So how can I feel this way and still not be the mean jealous/spiteful person that no one likes. Ok maybe I am already her but I always say sorry and can put the happy face on. I can be who I need to be. The problem is that I really want to be happy for them. I want to be happy for me. I want to BE me. The person I was designed to be. The person I was at one time. I miss that person. I miss being consulted. I miss walking around and people thinking while I was a hard ass I knew my stuff and was good at it. I want people to look at me and not wonder what happened to that Josie Beth girl... I thought she would really be something. I want to be whatever they thought I would become!
So what to do now. I know I should pray and look for blessings. I know this and I believe it but I just don't want to do it so I think for right now. I will cry a little. Write it down and PRAY that no one reads it ever. Tomorrow I will try hard to be happy for everyone including myself. I will buy a good luck gift for the lady meeting with Hollywood and get a nice card for the other one who has so many clients she is turning people away. Yeah... for me!
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