Enough

The word ENOUGH has become my mantra since July. I actually wear it everyday to remind myself that I AM Enough, I HAVE Enough but also to have me realize when I've DONE enough. All 3 are tricky for me, but the latter can be all consuming.

DONE enough is a different mindset that I have had in the past. Enough was only reached when things were FINISHED. I'm not sure if it was baby #4 or the new position I took on at work this summer but things are always in a state of un-done and that must be ok. The list is far too long to complete everyday, and often times allowing myself time to complete the tasks is beneficial in the long run so now I decide which projects are DONE is FUN (Thanks Alison Show), and which projects are fine to sit undone until tomorrow.

Most everything truly can wait another day. Most people can wait another day. Work texts, emails, and yes even Amazon purchases can wait another day.

I went to a class this summer in the midst of truly one of my busiest times in my entire life and the instructor explained how she has changed the way she does her "list." I was asking how to do it all. How to find time to meditate, write, reflect, self-improve, work, make food, love the family, and all the other daily to-do's that consume everyday life. She explained that each day she asks for inspiration of the ONE thing she needs to do each day. Everything else after that is optional. As long as she gets to the one thing she calls it success.

I am still working to find that inspirational something each day, BUT I have gotten so much better at knowing when I've done enough. That peace of mind as I walk away from tasks, people, and situations has made such a huge difference in my confidence. No longer am I seeking to prove myself or to out-do others. I have set my own limits and am comfortable with that I am doing. I'm meeting my own expectations (most days) and the truly is ENOUGH.

Grateful:
-It's friday. Enough said
-Yesterday committed to buy the time share and got Jude enrolled in up to 3
-Jude has been pretty good at the Peak so far

Wins:
-We decided not to clean last night. Hopefully the kids can help us do it fast tonight.
-Dr. Ford testified in front of congress today of her sexual harassment experience in high school with Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh and holy hell she did it. She was beautiful and strong as women are.
-Took time to feel sad about the above situation. Women being pined against women. Men being allowed to behave badly, and women put at fault. It's overwhelming, but I can create my world with my kiddos and instill in them what I wish was more abundant in the world.x

Wise

At the orthodontist this morning doing the routine. I knew I would have some time and I am still recovering from my cold/exhaustion from the last few weeks so I didn't get up. It's ok though. I'm going to listen to my body and give it exactly what it is asking for which is a slower pace.

AND...... another day has come and gone and here I am still trying to finish the thought I started yesterday. Still tired. Still coughing up a storm. Didn't sleep very well last night because of said cough, but I am up and working though some me time.

I am in Jacob an as I was reading yesterday it felt like a frantic search. I was reading while the braces were being worked on, but still. I didn't feel the calm that I usually do. I was reading and searching for something to grab my attention and finally at the very end came one of my favorite scriptures.

Jacob 6:12 O be wise; what can I say more?

I can still remember feeling the strength of this statement when I understood it in a seminary class. What better advice can I give except be wise?

I have always loved my mind. I have a good, quick mind. It has served me well. I was smart. I could understand and grasp concepts. I have used it to my benefit all these years. I loved being known as smart, but I have decided I would rather be knows as wise.

adjective, wis·er, wis·est.

1. having the power of discerning and judging properly as to what is true or right; possessing discernment,judgment, or discretion.
2. characterized by or showing such power; judicious or prudent:

The ability to discern and properly judge right and truth is TRUE POWER! I was researching it's use and since 1815 when the use of the word in books peaked its use has went down by over 1/2. It isn't something that is as valuable as it once was, BUT today more than ever I feel the need to be wise. To have it's power of discernment to help guide and direct my daily decisions. 

So for now on I am going to start asking myself "Is it wise?" This simple statement causes me to calmly collect the info, and rationally consider it before making a choice. Be Wise.... just might be the only advice needed from here on out.

Grateful for:
*Healing power of sleep. I am super in need of more than what Ive still gotten but I am amazed at how it instantly helps our bodies. Heavenly Father is so smart.

*Prayer: since beginning my morning ritual I have prayed more than I have in a very long time. I find myself asking Him for help with the littlest of things. It catches me off guard and I don't even realize I'm doing it, but I love how connected I am feeling.

*The Tahoe. I cannot imagine not having a vehicle to haul kids, and stuff around in. I was in and out of so many places yesterday it was crazy! I couldn't do all that I do without a vehicle like I have.

Rest

"To find rest unto our souls includes peace of mind and heart.... When we learn to handle the small and simple daily things in a wise and inspired way, the result is a positive influence that will solidify harmony in our souls and build up and strengthen those around us, "  Per G. Malm 

I must still be tired because the word REST caught my attention today. I think it is because it has a different feeling than sleep. I seriously think I could sleep for a week straight and still be tired which is making me think that A. I have kids and B. maybe it's more than just sleep deficit that is making me tired.

I think a deeper kind of "rest" is needed to fill this void. To rest my mind and heart is harder than simply sleeping and shutting off the brain. Unfortunately the brain is still there when I wake up and all the problems, drains, frustrations, and feelings have just been waiting for me to come back to reality so they can take their regular spots in mind, heart, and soul. 

I think that is why I dream of sleep. It's an escape. It's numbing, and puts the crap away for a period of time, BUT it is not the real answer, which is seriously disappointing. I honestly wish I could sleep away my worries, frustrations, and feelings. It would be so much more simple than trying to deal with them.

I think rest is obtained when things are actually addressed and handled or let go. I feel the weight of things get heavier and heavier the longer I avoid them. It's like the to do list that you never can get done. My issue is how to find time to actually get them off my list. 

I am now thinking that perhaps if they continue to be on my list and I keep avoiding dealing with them that maybe they SHOULD NOT be on my list. Maybe I just throw them away. Take them off my mind and to-do's. If I keep avoiding them maybe its my mind telling me that it's not comfortable with it so move along and let it go.

For rest to really work however I think it must be coupled with PLAY. Brene' Brown uses this as the 7th guide post for wholehearted living. I find it fascinating that these two words are used together. Rest and Play seem to be opposites. It feels like you should pick one or the other, that they are mutually exclusive. As I've thought about this the past 2 days I have been discovering the sense that they thrive best when they are companions.

Rest allows mind space for play. It's hard to want to be fun and silly when your mind is ready to shut down at any point. Have you tried playing a game with your kids before bed? I'm telling you the longest hands of Uno happen when I'm ready to be done for the the day. 

Play is hard for me. It's actual work. I have to push myself to do it. I have to actually schedule play for it to happen. I have to adjust my mind to be ready and willing to play. How weird is that? All my kids ask me everyday is if they can play and even then we have it scheduled into their day, but for some reason it ends at intermediate school?

I think rest and play are formed habits. You have to do them over and over for them to stick, make an impact, and have the desired effects your seeking. They are not near as effective when done only on the weekends. So today I will play, just not a round of Uno at bedtime.

Grateful:
-night time walks. It was a beautiful night and sunset yesterday. 

-Muscle tests. I am still trying to figure out what/who is plugged into my shoulder but I did unplug Jude today and will make the call to up to 3

-Gable called DJ and got jude out of his crib all by himself yesterday as I was running kids  around like crazy. Grateful they were safe and he is so bright.

Wins:
-Been getting to bed much earlier this week which is good. Hopefully I can start an exercise routine again soon.

- Got Christmas show scheduled and set yesterday. I can tweak, but am so far happy to get it down on paper

-Dj did get home earlier last night which was nice.

Re-Decision

Study today took me down many paths. The first was "promised obedience" which then led to "obedience" which then landed on the idea of re-decision.

I do a lot of self-reflection, and podcast listening to people sharing their hint and tips and stories. One common theme is minimalism and the freeing up of mind space to be used on bigger decisions. I have been in the process of "editing" my items and my life and  have found such joy and simplicity in this process. It is addictive to get rid of thing of excess. The mind can however be in conflict about it. I feel that I have to re-decide to do positive things every day.

This morning I definitely had to re-decide to wake up and routine. It was hard. I got a good amount of sleep, BUT not enough to make up for the deficit I find myself in. Re-deciding to go to bed at a good hour is redecided every darn day. Why is that? Why can't I make a simple decision and then keep to it. I know the positive results of a good decision, BUT I am seduced by the immediacy of instant satisfaction.

The process of redecision is exhausting and I cannot imagine how much of my brain power would be freed up by simply sticking to the decisions I made in the first place. Redecision is NOT to be confused with the ability to adjust. Adjusting is of course going to happen, but the beauty of decision is that it's not US that have changed. We still stuck to our original decision, but the SITUATION changed causing us to readjust. That is totally acceptable and a very much desired trait. It's the wishy-washy never sticking, always re-deciding that is sucking my mind, body, and spirit dry. If I want to be more clear minded, less exhausted, and no overwhelmed I simply need to decide and then STICK IT!

Grateful:
I can finally spell that darn word. It's spelled differently that I think it should be, but at least not I have a way to remember it. Cheese grater it is.

Writing has become my therapy as I take time to let things out and let them go. It clears my mind up for the important things.

Sleep last night was so needed and appreciated. Here's to a full week of enough sleep.

WINS:
Brought up the showering issue at community council last night. We will see what happens with it.

Keep finding good people to hire at the peak.

Gable came and snuggled me last night. I wish I could have just slept, but I love that he still loves to snuggle.

Through Joy or Sorrow

Reading in Jacob 4:3 "that they may learn with joy and not with sorrow" and this made me think so much about how I want to teach - not just learn. I want people to learn through joy and not just sorrow.

Unfinished... but enough said.

Judgement & Justification

Today in reading, Jacob talked to the Nephites about how they were wanting things (concubines) and the wicked Lamanites were not even wanting that. He spoke of how the "wicked" lamanites loved their wives and children better than the Nephites.

This made me think about how we as "righteous" people sometimes justify the sins we think are ok because we like to compare ourselves to someone who is more "wicked." This got me thinking about Judgement and Justification. They tend to go hand-in-hand. Seems to me, as soon as judgement enters we being to use Justification to make us feel better about our choices.

I'm not sure that I have put these 2 actions together in the past, BUT as I look through my own judgments they are often followed by me justifying my "betterness" to help elevate myself more.

I'm assuming this is 2nd nature to us humankind. I also realize that not all judgment is bad. What I am now cautious of is if justification comes too quickly after. If I'm using judgement to divide and feel better about myself, allowing me to further justify my choices then we have a problem.

To sum up those two J's can be pretty tricky to navigate and it takes some digging to understand our motives. The "lacking" feeling however is never satisfied by pointing fingers at someone else to fill the holes we have inside.

GREATFUL
*Hazel was up on time today - it's late start - she did wet the bed, but she is up on time
*Folded ALL the clothes last night with DJ's help
*Have a hiking dinner plan with Racher for each month

WINS
*I think giving the front desk ladies each an area to focus on is really helping
*I got the desks moved at The Peak and I think it's a good change
*WE were done eating by 7pm last night and had a walk after

Seek

seek

sēk/

verb

1. attempt to find (something).

   "they came here to seek shelter from biting winter winds"

   synonyms:

   search for, try to find, look for, be on the lookout for, be after, hunt for, be in quest of "they sought shelter from the winter snows"

Word of the day. Reading in Jacob as he counsels to be careful what we seek. I think the most relevant thing about what I read is the desire behind the looking. Seeking can be great, useful, and positive, but if you are seeking for personal gain, for indulgence, for selfish motives that seeking is simply wrong.

I seek for so many things. I seek for time. For attention. For MORE. For ease . The reason is not always clear. My motives are not always generous. I may find what I 'm seeking for or I may not.

My thought is that if I was truly seeking something instead of just randomly looking I would mostly likely find it. If I was seeking it with the intent to find it - I believe it would most likely be obtained.

I think so much of my time I feel like I'm seeking, but I really am just glancing around hoping it will appear. Seeking is hunting - a quest. It requires some effort because the desire is deeper. The want is less fleeting and more of a need as we seek. 

I want to truly SEEK for things. I want to decide what I really want and then look hard for it. I want to carefully decide WHAT is worth seeking for and what is not that important. Isn't that a huge part of life? Deciding the worth of things - including our desires? 

To seek requires action. What good is the hunt if we do nothing with the treasure? I really want a new rug. I found the one I want, but here I sit with a less than perfect one for a month. I like to blame the lack of time or money for my lack of action, but in reality it really boils down to me wanting the rug bad enough to push the darn order button. Sounds simple, but I think sometimes we are nervous about living with the consequences of what we seek. 

To choose carefully what we seek is my new goal. To hunt with the INTENT to act once found is the action plan. What a clear path of thinking instead of being constantly overwhelmed with the "wants" of the world that constantly bombard us. 

Let it Lie...

Today is the Monday after Peach Days and I made it through. That is really all that matters, but it was not pretty nor was it joyful and fun as I had hoped. I did however let it all go. Saturday I forgot to take my medicine. Of all the days I would need the patience and help and calm, it was the day I forgot.

By the end of the night it was just about all I could do to not completely loose it. Instead I wrote it all down on a scratch envelope. Filled up the entire thing and then I BURNED it all! It was the most amazing feeling to see it all turned straight to ash. Nothing left an the burnden was gone. I had given it to the paper and it dissipated into nothingness and it was done.

This was so freeing and fulfilling. and allowed me to move on. As the thoughts would creep back into my mind I would remind myself that they are gone. We have dealt with them and it's over. I think I need to do this with my kids. With DJ. With those at work that challenge me. Write it down and burn it up so I can move along and start fresh. Pretty much what repentance is right?

We confess (write it down) our sins and then we offer them to our Savior to burn and destroy and as they come back up or we are tempted again we remind our self that we dealt with that. I don't want to do it again so we leave them be. What an amazing feeling to be free of those feelings. I understand the "gift" description of The Holy Ghost, to be comforted and have those feelings taken away was seriously the best gift I could have been given after the long days I had endured.

GRATEFUL FOR
*sleep. I really need so much more than I'm getting, but I am grateful at how it helps my body.
*goals. The sisters have asked me to do a 1/2 marathon in April. It's going to take some major training, but I'm going to try and do it again.
*New week. It is nice to start fresh and try to refocus and improve each time

WINS:
*Jude is loving nursery. I really hope that it helps with his needing me all the time
*Made it through Peach Days
*meditated 7 days in a row last week. It really does make a difference.

Ponder

Man I am down and out again today. Peach Days has already done me in - literally. Still got up. My mind is getting stronger all the time. It wants me to get up as well. My body screams at how tired it is but my mind and it's needs and health is louder and stronger so I get up with the knowledge that to survive the day I need this morning ritual or it can't do it. My body will follow the mind so let's keep it up!

Today in study the words were right at the first - thank goodness - since I start strong and wane at the end. Ponder - not only in our minds but in our hearts. This might have stuck out because I really have enjoyed my morning meditations. I like the mind so much. I love the 5 minutes a day I give it time to calm and refocus. The heart is newer to me. I don't know that I spend a lot of time pondering in my heart. I value my mind and it's reasoning so much that I think I forget the value of my heart. I do believe a calm mind creates a place and a space for the heart to speak so I feel like I'm on the right track with meditation. Now to just take the time to allow my heart to think, speak, PONDER.

*Grateful that my mind is truly become stronger than my body. It is getting better and easier. It's never easy, but it is easier.

*I had lots of people watching out for me yesterday even though plenty of hard things happened. Mom and dad brough Gable to me so I didn't have to go up. Gable wanted me to stay home which does make me feel loved. Lots of people listened to the frustration and allowed me to express my feelings. Now it's time to be done with them and move on with a positive day.

*Couldn't face dinner last night and I was SO GRATEFUL for Wendy's drive through. Sounds dumb but I really couldn't do it. It was so nice to take something off my plate

WINS:
Didn't get mad at mardi  -totally could have for SO MANY THINGS. She knew she was making things hard, but I kept it together.

Decided that somethings at the gym just are not going to get done this weekend. DJ is going to be helping me at peach days. Went and got my dad's generator. We will not be doing a full cleaning. We will do garbages and bathrooms and that will have to do this week.

There are people who DO SEE all that I'm doing. Its nice to be validated on how hard things are. I need to remember that and not compare but to empathize and validate others when they come to me too.

Hope

In reading this morning I really needed to dig deep. Yesterday was difficult. It was long. It was no satisfying. It was not positive. It was down right draining. I woke up tired which is not how I like to feel. Gable woke up excited and asked to watch a show which is not what I want to have him do.

While reading I kept looking for the Word of the Day. Hard to read while tired so it took me clear until the end, but it came and it stuck - Perfect Brightness of Hope. I have heard it before, but what the heck does it mean. How do you have a perfect brightness? I thought we were not asked to be perfet here on earth, but there it is. Smack dab in the middle of scripture that we are supppose to have something PERFECT. Perhaps this word stuck out because yesterday I was remined of how imperfect I was at work. I had to twice remind people that I was not expecting perfection, so why in the dickens is that darn word in the scriptures?

I went looking for some more explination. I was reading a talk by sister Jack and 3 things have come from it.

No Hope = Despair. This one resinated. The lack of hope kills all desire and all positive possibilities. It really does allow a cloud to decend on everything. Despair taints everything, but Hope is the sun that allows things to live.

Hope is the Anchor to the Soul. Without hope, our soul is tossed around and battered. It has no where to try and lay claim for refuge. No where to rest. Hope is what we use to continue everyday. It allows up to accept our shortcomings and to keep trying even though perfection is unattainable.

"Defered hope makes the heart sick". This was a totally new thought for me. Defered hope - who does that? Then I thought of my mantra of hope for the best but expect the worst. If that is not defered hope, I don't know what is! Hope cannot live when your constantly expecting the worst. No room for sunshine if your expecting the clouds. I think that this is something I want to work on. I use the expectation of bad thing to help buffer the pain when they happen instead of using hope's light to see though dissapointment. Game changer right?

We all know bad things happen, but that doesn't mean we we should be looking for them all the time. Why not cling to hope that allows us to be find all the good that gets lost in the anticipation of the bad.

Showing Love

Today's meditation of the day asked us to show love to those parts of us we don't like. An in interesting practice. It gave ideas, and thoughts. I of course immediately felt uncomfortable about my body. So hard to show love to it right now the way it is. All I can see and feel are the things that I want to change. I tried really hard to show it some love. To feel appreciative to it. As I was trying thing I kept getting pulled away to other parts and it was hard to settle. Yes my body is needing some love. My need for depression medicine right now. My ability to mother, and then it settled. I need to forgive me need to micro manage at work needs to be forgiven and some understanding shown.

!st day of fall classes yesterday and it was ok, but definitely not the happy joyous occasion I wanted it to feel like. I even let the feeling get to me. There are things that started it right out. Preschool - WILL- use the free mirror in their dress up room. Of course! They will have the signs on their doors. The coaches WILL wear peak shirts. They WILL use the tablets... the list goes on and on. I was trying to boil it all down and I came down to one person. Ashley at the front desk is NOT happy. Why is what I need to understand. Maybe she feels micromanaged. That can be valid. If that is the case I need to tell her why I am micromanaging. I don't feel like I know what is going on and I NEED that so I don't step into their world. I need them to WANT to keep me in the loop. If I'm the one watching all depts to ensure their success I NEED to know.

So today I'm going to call her in and ask her if she likes working at the peak. Why is she working here? If she likes it, what does she like. Can she focus on that to spread that joy in the facility. She sets the tone and what is that tone? It's ok to hold people responsible for their actions.

In scriptures I was reading about how God only covenants with those who Repent, and then Believe in Him. Can't make promises until we see what problems are keeping us from Him. Same thing at work. Can't fix something that is not a problem in their mind. I can't make it a problem to them, but I can hopefully make them aware of how we all affect each other.

Grateful for :
-DJ went and got milk last night after I had forgotten all yesterday to do so. He went and I showered. I am finding that I do not have to feel guilty for the things that I didn't do that someone else is doing. I can however feel grateful for them doing it.

-Hazel was on one today ALREADY and I simply told her to talk to DJ. I wasn't going to talk to her like this. She immediately simmered down and pulled it together

-First day of first days is Done. It's hard to explain, but there is a constant feeling of events at The Peak and it can be overwhelming and draining. Hoping that today can just be fun.

WINS:
*Ran .8 miles in 10 mins last night. Haven't run for quite a while. I wonder how much I will ever beable to keep running, but I hope it can be a life long habit.

*Checked in with Barbie, Jesse, Bonnie, and Sarah all yesterday. It was great to make sure they were all doing well and do my best to keep a close connection

*Jude did really quite well yesterday. Still working on naps, but he let me do all the things I needed to do yesterday during work. I didn't check on him like I needed to but today I can do better and keep working on his needs.

Winters

I have been thinking about the "winters" of life for the past few weeks. The idea was brought up in a podcast I had been listening to that the speaker was saying they liked falls better than any other life season. She went onto explain that spring is new, summer is fun, fall is the calm, and winter is the hard stuff. I had not thought of life in these more simplistic explanations.

DJ and I have been married for 15 years now. We have been parenting for 11 years. We have had all these seasons many times but the last winter has lasted a really long time. It was a hard winter to get through. It was bitter cold, and just when I thought we had broken through a hard frost would follow. I really didn't know how to get out of this winter. I was throwing in the towel and ready to just stay inside and hibernate. I DID try and sleep through it but that didn't work either. It has mentally, and physically exhausted me the last 6 months.

The funny part about winter is that it can strike at anytime. Life's winters don't have to follow nature's patterns. I thought I was in a spring/summer right before it hit and WHAMMO... Winter was in full force. I layered my clothing so I didn't have to feel anything. I pushed the cold out and stuck to myself. I didn't want to let any warmth in - no matter how promising it seemed.

The last few weeks I have begun to thaw. I have started to let go of winter which is funny since I really didn't like it anyway. What was I holding on to and why? My anger and resentment didn't let me see when the seasons were trying to change. I made it last longer than necessary simply by not feeling. The layers didn't allow me to feel the sun when it was out. My anger clouded the goodness to be seen. This winter was my own. It was hard. It hurt. Things got broken and I am still trying to fix them.

I decided that the only way to end winter was to work on myself. This was in July but I didn't start until last week. My self was in desperate need of some warmth and kindness, charity. I was the only one who could offer these in an acceptable package to be received. So, these pages. These morning meditations. This early morning ritual and this time for me at night is creating space for things to grow again. It is hard. There are still so many cold feelings waiting to resurface but I really am trying to keep the sun out and shining.

Today's scripture study talked about how people cease to see miracles and how they didn't want additional words from God. I couldn't really understand or feel this before, but I can see how easy those things are to do. More words are more responsibility. More suggestions for self improvement. More promises to be broken BUT the flip side is ALWAYS true as well. More responsibility means more ways to LOVE like Him. More self improvement means more ways to become LIKE Him. More promises means more BLESSINGS he will offer in return for those made and kept covenants.

Life really is simple but we sure like to complicate it with our own feelings of frustration, inadequacy, hurt, comparisons, and grudges. I have decided that our life begins inside and then emanates out.

-Grateful to be back at the morning ritual. I really have missed it. I longed for the time to sit, reflect and read.

-Warmth. I sit every morning with a jacket and blanket on. I like to be warm, but I also love the warmth of people and try to remember to let my warmth emanate to those I come in contact with.

-Gable starts school this week and that brings me such hope for him. I have seen how far he can come, but also how far to go and what a battle it will be. There are such good people working for his success that it helps calm my anxious worries for him.

WINS
*Did a whole Archibald family hike yesterday not knowing it was going to be a WHOLE family affair. Did it and got through it. Also was For - Giving back things right and left so I didn't have to hold onto anything.

*Went to dinner with Carrie last night and she really needed someone to talk and worry with. I honestly didn't want to go but was not unhappy heading out the door. I was an answer to her needs.

*Got to bed lasts night by 10:30ish. It's getting better. Could have stayed doing lots of projects, but it didn't matter. I got done what was necessary and the rest is fluff that can happen at any time.