Winters

I have been thinking about the "winters" of life for the past few weeks. The idea was brought up in a podcast I had been listening to that the speaker was saying they liked falls better than any other life season. She went onto explain that spring is new, summer is fun, fall is the calm, and winter is the hard stuff. I had not thought of life in these more simplistic explanations.

DJ and I have been married for 15 years now. We have been parenting for 11 years. We have had all these seasons many times but the last winter has lasted a really long time. It was a hard winter to get through. It was bitter cold, and just when I thought we had broken through a hard frost would follow. I really didn't know how to get out of this winter. I was throwing in the towel and ready to just stay inside and hibernate. I DID try and sleep through it but that didn't work either. It has mentally, and physically exhausted me the last 6 months.

The funny part about winter is that it can strike at anytime. Life's winters don't have to follow nature's patterns. I thought I was in a spring/summer right before it hit and WHAMMO... Winter was in full force. I layered my clothing so I didn't have to feel anything. I pushed the cold out and stuck to myself. I didn't want to let any warmth in - no matter how promising it seemed.

The last few weeks I have begun to thaw. I have started to let go of winter which is funny since I really didn't like it anyway. What was I holding on to and why? My anger and resentment didn't let me see when the seasons were trying to change. I made it last longer than necessary simply by not feeling. The layers didn't allow me to feel the sun when it was out. My anger clouded the goodness to be seen. This winter was my own. It was hard. It hurt. Things got broken and I am still trying to fix them.

I decided that the only way to end winter was to work on myself. This was in July but I didn't start until last week. My self was in desperate need of some warmth and kindness, charity. I was the only one who could offer these in an acceptable package to be received. So, these pages. These morning meditations. This early morning ritual and this time for me at night is creating space for things to grow again. It is hard. There are still so many cold feelings waiting to resurface but I really am trying to keep the sun out and shining.

Today's scripture study talked about how people cease to see miracles and how they didn't want additional words from God. I couldn't really understand or feel this before, but I can see how easy those things are to do. More words are more responsibility. More suggestions for self improvement. More promises to be broken BUT the flip side is ALWAYS true as well. More responsibility means more ways to LOVE like Him. More self improvement means more ways to become LIKE Him. More promises means more BLESSINGS he will offer in return for those made and kept covenants.

Life really is simple but we sure like to complicate it with our own feelings of frustration, inadequacy, hurt, comparisons, and grudges. I have decided that our life begins inside and then emanates out.

-Grateful to be back at the morning ritual. I really have missed it. I longed for the time to sit, reflect and read.

-Warmth. I sit every morning with a jacket and blanket on. I like to be warm, but I also love the warmth of people and try to remember to let my warmth emanate to those I come in contact with.

-Gable starts school this week and that brings me such hope for him. I have seen how far he can come, but also how far to go and what a battle it will be. There are such good people working for his success that it helps calm my anxious worries for him.

WINS
*Did a whole Archibald family hike yesterday not knowing it was going to be a WHOLE family affair. Did it and got through it. Also was For - Giving back things right and left so I didn't have to hold onto anything.

*Went to dinner with Carrie last night and she really needed someone to talk and worry with. I honestly didn't want to go but was not unhappy heading out the door. I was an answer to her needs.

*Got to bed lasts night by 10:30ish. It's getting better. Could have stayed doing lots of projects, but it didn't matter. I got done what was necessary and the rest is fluff that can happen at any time.