"What kinds of feelings am I feeling right now? What kind of metaphors can I find to describe my feelings?"
Well right now I am feeling sick - Jude barfed - mostly I think because he will not poop but non-the-less the red juice barf and stomach acid went all over the newly changed sheets that I just changed because he had leaked through so many times the whole room was smelling like urine.
So I feel queasy. I don't react well to vomit. I realize it is going to continue to happen but I still don't handle it well.
Gable was screaming - Jude was screaming - Poppy was crying - Hazel was avoiding the whole thing. I can also feel a bit of humor right now but mostly wanting to avoid as well so that I can stay in the moment rather than wondering if another child is going to show up to the side of my bed and finally get me tonight.
I'm not great at metaphors. I would rather say what I mean instead of shrouding it and hoping it might be interpreted correctly.
I also feel FREEDOM - It's 10:36 and it's finally me time. Kids are in bed - Dj's got the vomit monster. I've walked and now I'm writing. It's a magical time for me. One that I haven't been able to give up for the last 12 years. I like staying up late - more than I want to get up and get stuff done early in the morning.
I also feel just tired - always tired. so much absorbing of others that it's hard to find my real feelings inside somewhere as well.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Fear
What is my worst fear and how does it limit my possibilities in life?
I am not much of a fear based person. I'm a fight not flight person. I get nervous about many things. I get nervous when the kids throw up (mostly because I'm afraid I might get it). I get nervous when they get their barkey croup cough. I get nervous when they don't answer the phones. I get nervous about job meetings with Mardi (yes there is one on Thursday). I get nervous about money and all those things.
My biggest fear is that I am not important enough. This is so hard to explain, but I fear that I am not accomplishing big and important things in the world. I fear that I've let people who expected/saw big things for me are now disappointed. I fear that by loosing myself in my kids and family that I am loosing me and my hopes and dreams.
The problem with this is that importance is all based upon other's people's opinion which I have no control over. Importance is based upon general acceptance and common consent.
The pull in my life is so intense everyday. I dearly love this little kids and the people they are claiming to be. I love to advocate for them and those like them. I love/hate running them everywhere so they can succeed and learn. I also love doing most of what I do at The Peak. I love building teams and seeing them succeed. I enjoy watching them learn and leading them and then stepping aside for them to get the applause.
These two loves pull me apart everyday and leave no time to for me to feel much of anything for myself. I'm absorbing everyone else's feelings that it's hard to feel for myself and then follow them. The lack of balance and running hard for everyone else is limiting me to see what else is open for me. The fear of looking is hard as well.
I am not much of a fear based person. I'm a fight not flight person. I get nervous about many things. I get nervous when the kids throw up (mostly because I'm afraid I might get it). I get nervous when they get their barkey croup cough. I get nervous when they don't answer the phones. I get nervous about job meetings with Mardi (yes there is one on Thursday). I get nervous about money and all those things.
My biggest fear is that I am not important enough. This is so hard to explain, but I fear that I am not accomplishing big and important things in the world. I fear that I've let people who expected/saw big things for me are now disappointed. I fear that by loosing myself in my kids and family that I am loosing me and my hopes and dreams.
The problem with this is that importance is all based upon other's people's opinion which I have no control over. Importance is based upon general acceptance and common consent.
The pull in my life is so intense everyday. I dearly love this little kids and the people they are claiming to be. I love to advocate for them and those like them. I love/hate running them everywhere so they can succeed and learn. I also love doing most of what I do at The Peak. I love building teams and seeing them succeed. I enjoy watching them learn and leading them and then stepping aside for them to get the applause.
These two loves pull me apart everyday and leave no time to for me to feel much of anything for myself. I'm absorbing everyone else's feelings that it's hard to feel for myself and then follow them. The lack of balance and running hard for everyone else is limiting me to see what else is open for me. The fear of looking is hard as well.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Love
Today's question - What does love mean to me?
Ughh.... I must be at a stage in life where love is just an annoying word. Love in the general terms is a feeling, but in my current life and situation- love NEEDS to be an ACTION. I need love shown to me more than I need the silly feelings that I used to dream up.
Love is
- picking up socks on the ground
-doing the dishes
- saying thank you
- making time for me to be alone
- finding something to do that I will really enjoy
- love is these 4 crazies that drive me crazy
- it's allowing me to sleep
-it's finishing long overdue projects
Love means thinking of the bigger picture and wondering how it will best serve the other person.
Love means doing more than feeling.
Ughh.... I must be at a stage in life where love is just an annoying word. Love in the general terms is a feeling, but in my current life and situation- love NEEDS to be an ACTION. I need love shown to me more than I need the silly feelings that I used to dream up.
Love is
- picking up socks on the ground
-doing the dishes
- saying thank you
- making time for me to be alone
- finding something to do that I will really enjoy
- love is these 4 crazies that drive me crazy
- it's allowing me to sleep
-it's finishing long overdue projects
Love means thinking of the bigger picture and wondering how it will best serve the other person.
Love means doing more than feeling.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Avoidance
Today's Question:
"What kids of situations do I avoid and what does this evasion say about my previous experience or beliefs?"
Funny that this one would come up since I argued with Jami and Barbie on Friday about this very thing. I avoid trying to plan and take charge of family events or functions I try not to even have an opinion. I only show up to be told what to do which I now realize is very passive aggressive, but also seems to me to be the only way I don't get my feelings hurt and allows peace to be kept.
This is a direct result of years of feeling like no one listens to me or ever does what I want or suggest. I have very vivid memories of suggesting something only to have it latter suggested or claimed by Barbie and everyone applauds her for the thought. I have not imagined them. I have not made them up in my head. They have and will continue to be real. She is honey an I can be vinegar. Always has been that way. Not sure how it happened, but sides where claimed and personalities formed.
I have always felt left out and on the fringe of the family. Lesser importance than the others. Hard to know my place. Maybe even a little less loved than the others.
The thing that I need to realize and accept as truth is that no one is trying to make me feel that way. They are trying to include me. The do love me the best they can. They also are trying to figure me out as much as I am trying to figure myself out. Grace to them and myself is what is required and what is needed.
"What kids of situations do I avoid and what does this evasion say about my previous experience or beliefs?"
Funny that this one would come up since I argued with Jami and Barbie on Friday about this very thing. I avoid trying to plan and take charge of family events or functions I try not to even have an opinion. I only show up to be told what to do which I now realize is very passive aggressive, but also seems to me to be the only way I don't get my feelings hurt and allows peace to be kept.
This is a direct result of years of feeling like no one listens to me or ever does what I want or suggest. I have very vivid memories of suggesting something only to have it latter suggested or claimed by Barbie and everyone applauds her for the thought. I have not imagined them. I have not made them up in my head. They have and will continue to be real. She is honey an I can be vinegar. Always has been that way. Not sure how it happened, but sides where claimed and personalities formed.
I have always felt left out and on the fringe of the family. Lesser importance than the others. Hard to know my place. Maybe even a little less loved than the others.
The thing that I need to realize and accept as truth is that no one is trying to make me feel that way. They are trying to include me. The do love me the best they can. They also are trying to figure me out as much as I am trying to figure myself out. Grace to them and myself is what is required and what is needed.
Monday, November 4, 2019
What is My Mission in Life
So I have new conviction and ambition that has been in my blood since this weekend. Not sure exactly where it came from or what prompted it but I am loving it! I have 2 months to a new year and a me that more fully represents who I want to be.
I taking some heavy measures with Poppy and focusing hard and long, throwing anything I can at her for her improvement and happiness and I think it has made me feel that I need to do myself what I am expecting her to do for herself. So here I go . Everyday I do 1 thing that focuses on my spirit, my body, and my mind. I wrote it on my mirror and am happy to announce that today I got all 3 in.
For my mind Im using the journal prompts I bought 1.5 years ago and today's question is what is my mission in life, and could I have started with a harder question?
This really is what is bothering me. What am I doing with my life? Am I living up to my potential and expectations of where I want to be? My answer to the first is - Winging it every day. The answer to the 2nd is Nada. Which breads the question of why? Why do I feel so out of control. Is it 4 kids - obviously yes, but that really is putting the blame on them and that's not fair. Is it because I work full time - yes, but still not good enough.
Maybe the feeling is the problem and not the situation. Maybe the expectation is damaging instead of inspiring. So to answer what is my mission in life - Today with 2 more months before I turn 39...
My mission is to change the world to a more joyous place through little things.
My mission is to make everyone feel better leaving me than when the came.
My mission is to LOVE my kids into wholeness no matter my personal daemons.
My mission is to share God's love whenever possible.
My mission is to LOVE myself so I can accept the love of others.
My mission is to do my best everyday and then try harder tomorrow.
My mission is to leave judgement out of any equation and to find the good that always is there.
My mission is to feel - not numb and to follow the feelings confidently.
My mission is to be happy being me, having my life, and content in my situation.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Don't Care
Read a great quote today. "Don't care about people who are not caring about you." This is perfect for today. I have been stewing over the girls piano lesson yesterday. I am not loving their teacher right now. Have not been sure about her for the last few months. Her ability for fun is limited by their ability to impress her.
Yesterday was one of those days. Poppy had her important eye appointment. Dr took an hour just to get to us and there were lots of tests for her larger pupil. We have had this appointment since mid August. She barely told us last week what time group lesson would be. For 3 weeks out of the month we are there without fail. Maybe a little late, but there. The 4th week that she decides to change the day and time it just doesn't work really well. We already have that slot of time assigned out to other things.
Yesterday poppy was 30 minutes late and as she entered - she was shooshed. Hazel was 45 minutes late. Janna told her how late she was in front of everyone. I would not have even brought them except that they had to be there in order to do the recital next month.
I am just annoyed that her change is not only making my life hard, but that she is annoyed that I can't adjust to her whim. If I had not already paid the $60 materials fee I would already be looking elsewhere.
I am doing my best and when other people cannot respect, appreciate, and understand that then they are not my kind of people. I work full time. Have 4 kids - all with their own appts to get to every day. I will not allow people to make me feel bad - especially when I am paying them. Where is their customer service?
This all leads me to the quote above. I cannot care what Janna thinks of me. Her opinion doesn't/should't matter to me because she is not spending anytime making sure that we are taking care of. She isn't giving us any consideration or extra thoughts so she shouldn't get any from me. Other's people opinion of my is none of my business as per Rachel Hollis, but DAMN it's hard - especially when I have to deal with them consistently 1x per week.
This means that I remind myself of how her opinion of me doesn't matter. Hopefully she will treat the girls better than she treats me. Poppy was embarrassed and got her feelings hurt but we all need to realize that this is Janna and has no reflection of us. We cannot care because she doesn't.
Yesterday was one of those days. Poppy had her important eye appointment. Dr took an hour just to get to us and there were lots of tests for her larger pupil. We have had this appointment since mid August. She barely told us last week what time group lesson would be. For 3 weeks out of the month we are there without fail. Maybe a little late, but there. The 4th week that she decides to change the day and time it just doesn't work really well. We already have that slot of time assigned out to other things.
Yesterday poppy was 30 minutes late and as she entered - she was shooshed. Hazel was 45 minutes late. Janna told her how late she was in front of everyone. I would not have even brought them except that they had to be there in order to do the recital next month.
I am just annoyed that her change is not only making my life hard, but that she is annoyed that I can't adjust to her whim. If I had not already paid the $60 materials fee I would already be looking elsewhere.
I am doing my best and when other people cannot respect, appreciate, and understand that then they are not my kind of people. I work full time. Have 4 kids - all with their own appts to get to every day. I will not allow people to make me feel bad - especially when I am paying them. Where is their customer service?
This all leads me to the quote above. I cannot care what Janna thinks of me. Her opinion doesn't/should't matter to me because she is not spending anytime making sure that we are taking care of. She isn't giving us any consideration or extra thoughts so she shouldn't get any from me. Other's people opinion of my is none of my business as per Rachel Hollis, but DAMN it's hard - especially when I have to deal with them consistently 1x per week.
This means that I remind myself of how her opinion of me doesn't matter. Hopefully she will treat the girls better than she treats me. Poppy was embarrassed and got her feelings hurt but we all need to realize that this is Janna and has no reflection of us. We cannot care because she doesn't.
Wednesday, September 18, 2019
Christmas Music Makes Me Happy
It's begun. I needed it so I started it. I have started listening to christmas music. I am obviously listening at home, but because I'm working on the Peak Christmas Show I also have excuses to listen to it there as well.
Christmas music gives me an overwhelming feeling of peace, happiness, and that everything will work out. I have needed that. Things still are up in the air at The Peak so I need that feeling to go forward. I need the happiness because I'm not quite feeling it naturally. Plus there are so many great songs to get through 6 weeks just isn't enough time.
Christmas music gives me an overwhelming feeling of peace, happiness, and that everything will work out. I have needed that. Things still are up in the air at The Peak so I need that feeling to go forward. I need the happiness because I'm not quite feeling it naturally. Plus there are so many great songs to get through 6 weeks just isn't enough time.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Peace Be Unto You
I woke up with a headache. I went to be frustrated. The last 48 have not been peaceful. I had a parent meeting last night and I went into it thinking that I was going to be done with them all by the end, but instead I have more work to do for them and more proving/trust earning in the coming months.
This made me angry. This made me frustrated. This was not the ending I had hoped to come to. I was looking to get more "hard things" off my plate. I was looking to get people who didn't value me - away from me. Instead it is now a full serving of change that I will need to do.
I'm not usually one to walk away from a battle. I like I good challenge, but I am defeated right now and don't want to try. I'm tired an not sure I can win anymore.
I was thinking about this all last night as I was trying to settle into bed and the thought was .... "win them over. Make them love you. Prove to them that you are up to the task and a person of your word."
I went to sleep - exhausted at the thought, but I did sleep - semi peacefully (minus the 12 year old who came in saying she couldn't sleep in the basement - was my couch available?)
I still have a headache. The kind that is in the back of your skull. The dull aching kind. It is however literally behiend me. It's not the first thing on my mind. Peace and a Plan has replaced it.
This made me angry. This made me frustrated. This was not the ending I had hoped to come to. I was looking to get more "hard things" off my plate. I was looking to get people who didn't value me - away from me. Instead it is now a full serving of change that I will need to do.
I'm not usually one to walk away from a battle. I like I good challenge, but I am defeated right now and don't want to try. I'm tired an not sure I can win anymore.
I was thinking about this all last night as I was trying to settle into bed and the thought was .... "win them over. Make them love you. Prove to them that you are up to the task and a person of your word."
I went to sleep - exhausted at the thought, but I did sleep - semi peacefully (minus the 12 year old who came in saying she couldn't sleep in the basement - was my couch available?)
I still have a headache. The kind that is in the back of your skull. The dull aching kind. It is however literally behiend me. It's not the first thing on my mind. Peace and a Plan has replaced it.
Can I just push a button?
My head is so full - can't sleep. I cleaned the whole house. Organized and threw away things. I should feel better, but I don't.
Just completed my first peach days weekend without Mardi and tonight a team coach for gymnastics quit immediately via phone. I called and asked her reasons which are as follows.
-We are not treating our customers very well or keeping our word to them.
-She gets paid too little.
-She doesn't have a car to come over.
-Her class she was coaching this summer was too hard and the cheer coach told her we couldn't get another coach because the girls don't pay enough.
-We charged the parents too much for leos
-We don't have good enough bars for the girls - they are being held back.
-We need a spring floor to help them get their skills
-We don't invest enough in our facility
-It's better when the owner is out there coaching so they know what is going on
-She doesn't like drama
-She doesn't know what to say to parents when they have questions
-Another coach told her that he made more than her
-She doesn't want to be involved in conversations when she has no control over outcomes.
All of this is the first time I've heard of any of it. Talk about a shocker. This on top of an email I got Friday night from 6 of the team parents.
Did I mention it was Peach Days? Those girls didn't even come to the Parade. Ally texted saturday morning saying she couldn't come.
So I went in tonight to post the jobs. This on top of a preschool teacher who suddenly quit because she got a different job for more money. Also a Jr gym coach who we offered a job and arranged a schedule and she wouldn't reply back yes or no for the job. AND a coach who can't teach 2 of the 4 days she was scheduled and now can't finish her shift on one of the days she can work.
So my decision is that I want to go and work at a gas station. I want to push buttons. Say Hi and Bye. The emotional and mental stress of this job is too high right now. No solutions but it really is too much to bear. What to do?
Still need to meet with these parents. Need to email them that we are down a coach AGAIN. Still need to find 4 coaches and take care of the other 100's of rec kids and work on our reputation for quality and fairness. I need to figure out a way to pay the coaches more and stay in business.
I need to feel qualified and that I can do this job. I need to feel like it's worth leaving my kids and my house to do this job. I need to feel like this is not my fault.
I'm just so sad. It started today at church and the loneliness was overwhelming and all encompassing. I feel alone in my house, in my church, at work, and family. It don't feel God. I don't feel....It's just empty. All I have is other people's feelings being poured into me and I have no idea where mine are any more. I have no idea if I can feel or it all might go to hell - even more than what it is.
Last year I wanted to make myself a priority and I couldn't make it happen. This year I wanted to mend my relationship with God, but how do I do that when I can't see or feel him an the emptiness is crippling.
What to do. How to go forward. It's uncertain. I'm uncertain. Life is uncertain and that is the only certain thing I know. My sadness is intense and I'm unsure it will end and even more afraid that I don't know how to make any of these changes. That is the part that scares me the most.
Just completed my first peach days weekend without Mardi and tonight a team coach for gymnastics quit immediately via phone. I called and asked her reasons which are as follows.
-We are not treating our customers very well or keeping our word to them.
-She gets paid too little.
-She doesn't have a car to come over.
-Her class she was coaching this summer was too hard and the cheer coach told her we couldn't get another coach because the girls don't pay enough.
-We charged the parents too much for leos
-We don't have good enough bars for the girls - they are being held back.
-We need a spring floor to help them get their skills
-We don't invest enough in our facility
-It's better when the owner is out there coaching so they know what is going on
-She doesn't like drama
-She doesn't know what to say to parents when they have questions
-Another coach told her that he made more than her
-She doesn't want to be involved in conversations when she has no control over outcomes.
All of this is the first time I've heard of any of it. Talk about a shocker. This on top of an email I got Friday night from 6 of the team parents.
Did I mention it was Peach Days? Those girls didn't even come to the Parade. Ally texted saturday morning saying she couldn't come.
So I went in tonight to post the jobs. This on top of a preschool teacher who suddenly quit because she got a different job for more money. Also a Jr gym coach who we offered a job and arranged a schedule and she wouldn't reply back yes or no for the job. AND a coach who can't teach 2 of the 4 days she was scheduled and now can't finish her shift on one of the days she can work.
So my decision is that I want to go and work at a gas station. I want to push buttons. Say Hi and Bye. The emotional and mental stress of this job is too high right now. No solutions but it really is too much to bear. What to do?
Still need to meet with these parents. Need to email them that we are down a coach AGAIN. Still need to find 4 coaches and take care of the other 100's of rec kids and work on our reputation for quality and fairness. I need to figure out a way to pay the coaches more and stay in business.
I need to feel qualified and that I can do this job. I need to feel like it's worth leaving my kids and my house to do this job. I need to feel like this is not my fault.
I'm just so sad. It started today at church and the loneliness was overwhelming and all encompassing. I feel alone in my house, in my church, at work, and family. It don't feel God. I don't feel....It's just empty. All I have is other people's feelings being poured into me and I have no idea where mine are any more. I have no idea if I can feel or it all might go to hell - even more than what it is.
Last year I wanted to make myself a priority and I couldn't make it happen. This year I wanted to mend my relationship with God, but how do I do that when I can't see or feel him an the emptiness is crippling.
What to do. How to go forward. It's uncertain. I'm uncertain. Life is uncertain and that is the only certain thing I know. My sadness is intense and I'm unsure it will end and even more afraid that I don't know how to make any of these changes. That is the part that scares me the most.
Sunday, July 28, 2019
Double Damned
Most days I feel that I am double damned. Here is why. I acutely know/recognize my shortcomings AND I feel bad about it too. So not only do I feel guilty/bad about this issue I also feel bad that I haven't over come it.
Prime example just happened last night/this morning. DJ told me that Ricky just got a new boat - yes a new boat and newer than ours with all the bells and whistles that we have just put on our boat. Now why does this bother me? Well it would be nice to show up to Powell with something new for once. We haven't had a new house, new car, new anything and this was the one year we were going to show up with something and once again we were one upped. It is hard enough to go on this trip and this year I was excited because we finally had our own boat and therefore somewhat belonging and nope... again we being set back into our place on the outskirts while Ricky and Whitney continue to hold everyone's attention.
This sounds very petty. I realize this. This is where the 2nd dose of guilt comes in. I feel guilty about feeling jealousy. I also feel guilty about knowing that I know better, but what to do with all these feelings. Yes I feel jealousy and I feel guilty about feeling it.
On top of this... I have been asking DJ that since we finally have our own boat if we can go and visit different parts of the lake. I hate just hanging out at the houseboat all day. We have talked at length about it. DJ told me tonight that he has talked with Ricky about it and thinks it can happen. Well what happens tonight but Whitney sends out a text to everyone saying she has convinced Ricky to head to Rainbow Bridge - the very place we were speaking about. She is inviting everyone to join them. Like she owns this trip and powell and they are the ones who thought of it first.
Again why does this matter to me who's idea it was? Why does it have to be mine? Why do I care if people want to go. Here is the simplest explanation. I really have some hard feelings of not belonging to this group of people who I am suppose to call family. I just don't feel that our relationship warrants that name though. These are not people who I feel care about me. These are not people I care deeply about. These are people I don't care to spend time with because I don't like the way they treat me and my family.
So why do I keep doing this to myself? All I can chalk it up to is that I want my kids to have fun/happy Archibald cousin memories, but I am starting to wonder if having a sane and happy mama trumps this need for them. I hate this trip. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the anxiety that I have leading up to it and during it. I also hate the guilt I feel about these feelings. I wish I felt differently about them and the trip. It was a rough start 16 years ago, and it hasn't gotten any easier. If anything it has gotten harder.
It seems like I am the only one who has a problem with the family. Everyone else seems to get along just fine which makes it even more painful. I see the way they treat Whitney and Ricky and their family. It is so different from the way they treat me and my kids and its hard to reconcile. Especially when we are all together 24/7 for 4 days straight. It becomes quite apparent how different the feelings are for our family vs the others.
So what to do ... that is the question. How do I get enough confidence to not care how I am treated and how not to care how others are treated. I just don't have it yet. I don't have enough in me to do this every year. I send DJ to work with these feelings. I have to see it every day. That is hard enough but the difference is we get to come home. We get to leave them all and I can come home where it's safe and secure. I can remember that we are not part of that life and it is ok and by choice. but what to do when there is no home to go to and I don't have a choice but to be part of that life.
Now to try and prep myself for the inevitable feelings and to get myself settled and centered to be able to cope and also offer myself some grace wehn
Prime example just happened last night/this morning. DJ told me that Ricky just got a new boat - yes a new boat and newer than ours with all the bells and whistles that we have just put on our boat. Now why does this bother me? Well it would be nice to show up to Powell with something new for once. We haven't had a new house, new car, new anything and this was the one year we were going to show up with something and once again we were one upped. It is hard enough to go on this trip and this year I was excited because we finally had our own boat and therefore somewhat belonging and nope... again we being set back into our place on the outskirts while Ricky and Whitney continue to hold everyone's attention.
This sounds very petty. I realize this. This is where the 2nd dose of guilt comes in. I feel guilty about feeling jealousy. I also feel guilty about knowing that I know better, but what to do with all these feelings. Yes I feel jealousy and I feel guilty about feeling it.
On top of this... I have been asking DJ that since we finally have our own boat if we can go and visit different parts of the lake. I hate just hanging out at the houseboat all day. We have talked at length about it. DJ told me tonight that he has talked with Ricky about it and thinks it can happen. Well what happens tonight but Whitney sends out a text to everyone saying she has convinced Ricky to head to Rainbow Bridge - the very place we were speaking about. She is inviting everyone to join them. Like she owns this trip and powell and they are the ones who thought of it first.
Again why does this matter to me who's idea it was? Why does it have to be mine? Why do I care if people want to go. Here is the simplest explanation. I really have some hard feelings of not belonging to this group of people who I am suppose to call family. I just don't feel that our relationship warrants that name though. These are not people who I feel care about me. These are not people I care deeply about. These are people I don't care to spend time with because I don't like the way they treat me and my family.
So why do I keep doing this to myself? All I can chalk it up to is that I want my kids to have fun/happy Archibald cousin memories, but I am starting to wonder if having a sane and happy mama trumps this need for them. I hate this trip. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the anxiety that I have leading up to it and during it. I also hate the guilt I feel about these feelings. I wish I felt differently about them and the trip. It was a rough start 16 years ago, and it hasn't gotten any easier. If anything it has gotten harder.
It seems like I am the only one who has a problem with the family. Everyone else seems to get along just fine which makes it even more painful. I see the way they treat Whitney and Ricky and their family. It is so different from the way they treat me and my kids and its hard to reconcile. Especially when we are all together 24/7 for 4 days straight. It becomes quite apparent how different the feelings are for our family vs the others.
So what to do ... that is the question. How do I get enough confidence to not care how I am treated and how not to care how others are treated. I just don't have it yet. I don't have enough in me to do this every year. I send DJ to work with these feelings. I have to see it every day. That is hard enough but the difference is we get to come home. We get to leave them all and I can come home where it's safe and secure. I can remember that we are not part of that life and it is ok and by choice. but what to do when there is no home to go to and I don't have a choice but to be part of that life.
Now to try and prep myself for the inevitable feelings and to get myself settled and centered to be able to cope and also offer myself some grace wehn
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
I Had A Dream.... A Song to Sing
Sitting here in the lay down lawn chairs watching the last 3 play in the yard. Filling up the pool. Jumping on the tube in underwear and swim suits. Hazel and DJ are at YM/YW. It's been our regular crazy Tuesday with the addition of the boys swimming lessons. It's a good moment.
Earlier I cleaned the floor with a wet wipe and my foot. Chicken is cooking in the oven. New ground beef is in the crock pot. Appraisal came in much higher than anticipated. So much good today.
ABBA is playing in the window and I'm just watching and taking it all in. Jude is finally putting 2 words together, "Mom Cold" was the latest.
Gable got the slip and slide out all by himself. Bound and determined to make a water party since there is still 2 hours of light left.
Poppy with purple hair is enjoying being in charge but still young enough to have fun - swim suit up her bottom and all.
The grass is still green after an unseasonably rainy and cool start to summer. Trees are growing big an providing shade to our little side haven.
Sisters are coming into town for the reunion and we will have a few days to catch up after many long months of being apart. Cousins will reconnect and strengthen the loose bonds.
Got our 2 knee boards and the kids are thrilled to get to try and do doubles at the back of the boat. We went out 2x last week making it 7 times so far this year.
There are moments when I feel such despondency with my life. I feel like I'm not reaching my potential I see for myself or what others expect of me. Yet, there are times like now when I wouldn't change a thing. Can't miss my ship right? This is the current voyage and it's not lacking in much. I will be more grateful for the ports of entry it chooses to stop at and for the excursions it allows.
This is my song to sing and it beautiful and I sing it pretty damn well if I do say so myself...x
Earlier I cleaned the floor with a wet wipe and my foot. Chicken is cooking in the oven. New ground beef is in the crock pot. Appraisal came in much higher than anticipated. So much good today.
ABBA is playing in the window and I'm just watching and taking it all in. Jude is finally putting 2 words together, "Mom Cold" was the latest.
Gable got the slip and slide out all by himself. Bound and determined to make a water party since there is still 2 hours of light left.
Poppy with purple hair is enjoying being in charge but still young enough to have fun - swim suit up her bottom and all.
The grass is still green after an unseasonably rainy and cool start to summer. Trees are growing big an providing shade to our little side haven.
Sisters are coming into town for the reunion and we will have a few days to catch up after many long months of being apart. Cousins will reconnect and strengthen the loose bonds.
Got our 2 knee boards and the kids are thrilled to get to try and do doubles at the back of the boat. We went out 2x last week making it 7 times so far this year.
There are moments when I feel such despondency with my life. I feel like I'm not reaching my potential I see for myself or what others expect of me. Yet, there are times like now when I wouldn't change a thing. Can't miss my ship right? This is the current voyage and it's not lacking in much. I will be more grateful for the ports of entry it chooses to stop at and for the excursions it allows.
This is my song to sing and it beautiful and I sing it pretty damn well if I do say so myself...x
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
The Good Stuff
Tonight I went to bed and instead of turning on a show I grabbed the self-esteem workbook and started reading. I swear my kids can sense when I open a book and the girls ended up coming into be with me, but THE GOOD STUFF started coming out. I read to them about the goal to having an accurate measuring stick for ourselves and that we need to try and have a consistent positive feeling about ourselves.
I asked both girls what they liked about themselves. Hazel told us that she likes that she is Kind and I love that she chose something that is a choice for her. Poppy couldn't think of anything. I knew that might be the case, but it was still sad none the less. I see so many great things, but it doesn't matter if she doesn't see it. She actually cried about tumbling today. When someone gives her a pass or treats her differently she sees it as a negative. I told her I do the same thing, but perhaps it was only meant as a positive. Be flattered you are the only 9 year old in the advanced tumbling instead of feeling bad you can't do everything the big girls can. I need to be happy the font desk wants to discuss things with me. It's not that they don't think I know what I'm doing. Perhaps it is that I have given them trust that they feel their voice can be heard.
I told her how happy I was that she was crying and how great it is to feel. I told her what I do when I don't want to feel and she told me she eats when she is bored and we decided when she is bored it's because she doesn't feel either.
She eats when she is bored so need to keep her happy and occupied. Can do. She will come to kid's camp with me tomorrow. I think I will let her stay to whole time too. It was a good day. They were in my bed and we have a plan. Write something we like about ourselves each day on the board for everyone to see.
Win today - Also Gable hit the tball into the clouds so we win today.x
I asked both girls what they liked about themselves. Hazel told us that she likes that she is Kind and I love that she chose something that is a choice for her. Poppy couldn't think of anything. I knew that might be the case, but it was still sad none the less. I see so many great things, but it doesn't matter if she doesn't see it. She actually cried about tumbling today. When someone gives her a pass or treats her differently she sees it as a negative. I told her I do the same thing, but perhaps it was only meant as a positive. Be flattered you are the only 9 year old in the advanced tumbling instead of feeling bad you can't do everything the big girls can. I need to be happy the font desk wants to discuss things with me. It's not that they don't think I know what I'm doing. Perhaps it is that I have given them trust that they feel their voice can be heard.
I told her how happy I was that she was crying and how great it is to feel. I told her what I do when I don't want to feel and she told me she eats when she is bored and we decided when she is bored it's because she doesn't feel either.
She eats when she is bored so need to keep her happy and occupied. Can do. She will come to kid's camp with me tomorrow. I think I will let her stay to whole time too. It was a good day. They were in my bed and we have a plan. Write something we like about ourselves each day on the board for everyone to see.
Win today - Also Gable hit the tball into the clouds so we win today.x
Monday, June 10, 2019
Why is time for myself so hard to come by/create
I keep coming back to this same question. It is frustrating. I despise doing the same thing over and over again. I HATE re-doing things so why is it that I cannot get a handle on this part of my life? I don't want to get up at the break of dawn to do something nice to myself. Sleeping is the nicest thing I do for myself so why is taking it away a good thing?
I need to set a schedule - a specific schedule - for what happens when and I can't feel bad how I create that time to do it for myself. The tricky thing is that I can't count sleep as me time. That is necessity time.
My mind never rests - it never settles on myself and I think that is why I'm drained. Here are things I want to implement.
Meditation
Yoga
Self assessment
Reading
Scripture study
Journaling
Exercising
The how is the hard part. It's hard not to feel angry about how hard this really is. Tonight we went out on the new boat. First time as a family on our own boat and it was not fun for me. I couldn't back up the trailer. I didn't even try and drive the boat. I didn't even get in the water. My skills were only useful when tying the cover on the boat. All I could think was here is another thing I will have to learn. Another thing I'm not good at. Another thing I will have to practice and spend time learning even when I don't have time to do the things I really want to do for myself.
Now these are silly feelings. They are not even true. The are not even me, but they are real. I want to know how to back up a trailer. I want to drive a boat. I want to not only do these things, but I want to be good at them.... I'm not and that is hard for me. I don't like doing things that I'm not good at. I usually avoid doing them, but that is taking a toll on my confidence. I need to KNOW I can learn new things, but I am going to have to start small and know that I can find confidence by finding time for me and being ok not being great at everything.
I need to set a schedule - a specific schedule - for what happens when and I can't feel bad how I create that time to do it for myself. The tricky thing is that I can't count sleep as me time. That is necessity time.
My mind never rests - it never settles on myself and I think that is why I'm drained. Here are things I want to implement.
Meditation
Yoga
Self assessment
Reading
Scripture study
Journaling
Exercising
The how is the hard part. It's hard not to feel angry about how hard this really is. Tonight we went out on the new boat. First time as a family on our own boat and it was not fun for me. I couldn't back up the trailer. I didn't even try and drive the boat. I didn't even get in the water. My skills were only useful when tying the cover on the boat. All I could think was here is another thing I will have to learn. Another thing I'm not good at. Another thing I will have to practice and spend time learning even when I don't have time to do the things I really want to do for myself.
Now these are silly feelings. They are not even true. The are not even me, but they are real. I want to know how to back up a trailer. I want to drive a boat. I want to not only do these things, but I want to be good at them.... I'm not and that is hard for me. I don't like doing things that I'm not good at. I usually avoid doing them, but that is taking a toll on my confidence. I need to KNOW I can learn new things, but I am going to have to start small and know that I can find confidence by finding time for me and being ok not being great at everything.
Friday, May 24, 2019
Learning to Rest
Today is the day after the final performance at The Peak. We close the Peak today so we all can rest. It's a risk. We have customers. They have needs, but as employees we do to and that need now is to rest. We also let the coaches off next week so they can rest and rejuvenate for the next 12 weeks of summer. It's intense. We have 600 kids in our care and it's an awesome responsibility. It's a joy and a struggle.
I am trying to learn to rest. Not just do nothing, but to actually rest. Part of what makes my mind rest is writing it all out. I am dreaming lately which means that I have too much in my head that I need to sort through. When I don't write enough out I dream more, and very unsettled. The words on the screen give my mind the peace it needs to rest.
I used to rest by getting everything off my to do list. That does bring me great joy and my list now is longer than usual - still no shower in my bathroom 5 month's later, but resting also means fun and doing things that bring me joy. Right now people, and memories give me joy. The list still needs to be done and I need to work on it but it also can wait for a little while.
My Joy List
-By bedroom. I have never been one to hang out in my room but I love it. I retreat to it, even it's messy state.
-Zeal - Call it my morning ritual but it is something just for me that I don't share.
-My kiddos. I really do love being with them - but it requires me to also have time away from them.
-Sun -it's severely lacking right now, but I am anxious for it's return.
-Summer is almost here.
-Love hearing the kids downstairs playing together -especially when DJ is with them
-DJ we had a 24 hr getaway and it was splendid. 3 meals all by ourselves.
-Real people who don't try to fein perfection.
-Jude is doing so good potty training. Easiest kid so far which is nice since so much else has been hard.
-Poppy is getting ready for her own room. She is excited
-Games -Easter bunny brought us hot potato, perfection, and guess who. We have had a lot of fun with them so far.
-Snuggles - Jude is in bed with me snuggling as much as he does.
Much to feel joy about these days.
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I am trying to learn to rest. Not just do nothing, but to actually rest. Part of what makes my mind rest is writing it all out. I am dreaming lately which means that I have too much in my head that I need to sort through. When I don't write enough out I dream more, and very unsettled. The words on the screen give my mind the peace it needs to rest.
I used to rest by getting everything off my to do list. That does bring me great joy and my list now is longer than usual - still no shower in my bathroom 5 month's later, but resting also means fun and doing things that bring me joy. Right now people, and memories give me joy. The list still needs to be done and I need to work on it but it also can wait for a little while.
My Joy List
-By bedroom. I have never been one to hang out in my room but I love it. I retreat to it, even it's messy state.
-Zeal - Call it my morning ritual but it is something just for me that I don't share.
-My kiddos. I really do love being with them - but it requires me to also have time away from them.
-Sun -it's severely lacking right now, but I am anxious for it's return.
-Summer is almost here.
-Love hearing the kids downstairs playing together -especially when DJ is with them
-DJ we had a 24 hr getaway and it was splendid. 3 meals all by ourselves.
-Real people who don't try to fein perfection.
-Jude is doing so good potty training. Easiest kid so far which is nice since so much else has been hard.
-Poppy is getting ready for her own room. She is excited
-Games -Easter bunny brought us hot potato, perfection, and guess who. We have had a lot of fun with them so far.
-Snuggles - Jude is in bed with me snuggling as much as he does.
Much to feel joy about these days.
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Wednesday, May 22, 2019
A Last Day
Today Gable had his last day ever of preschool. His last day of walking through The Peak doors and turning left instead of going straight. His last day of asking me if he has time to jump first. His last day of being my buddy at work. His last day of playing with Jude after class. I try not to think about these things very much because it makes me sad. These little moments are done. I can't get them back and I wonder if I absorbed them enough. If I made enough memories to last the rest of my life. I hope I did. Problem of child #3 is that mom forgets things - Like taking pictures of just him in his cap, but I have taken millions of mental pics the last 3 years as Gable has grown and changed. I realize how far he has come. I realize how hard it will continue to be.
The one thing I know now that I was unsure of 3 years ago is that Gable is up for the challenge. Today when they were giving his award of the most helpful kid in class before he stepped down he reminded Ms. Keldi that he is "super smart too." Gable innately knows his worth and I stand in wonder of that gift because I doubted his future so much early on. He has not doubts of his abilities or his future successes. His confidence is his gift to me that gives me the courage to fight for him. I am already scared and tired knowing what will just begin next year, but that is ok, because Gable already knows he can do it.
He is my love and my sweet, beautiful boy for the last 5.5 years. I love him hard because it has been hard at times, but he has taught me more about my abilities than I would have discovered on my own. I love my boy. He loves me..... and Mario of course, but that isn't bad company to be in.
The one thing I know now that I was unsure of 3 years ago is that Gable is up for the challenge. Today when they were giving his award of the most helpful kid in class before he stepped down he reminded Ms. Keldi that he is "super smart too." Gable innately knows his worth and I stand in wonder of that gift because I doubted his future so much early on. He has not doubts of his abilities or his future successes. His confidence is his gift to me that gives me the courage to fight for him. I am already scared and tired knowing what will just begin next year, but that is ok, because Gable already knows he can do it.
He is my love and my sweet, beautiful boy for the last 5.5 years. I love him hard because it has been hard at times, but he has taught me more about my abilities than I would have discovered on my own. I love my boy. He loves me..... and Mario of course, but that isn't bad company to be in.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Making the Magic Happen
Day 1 of Performance Week at the Gym and I think things went ok. Need more time. Need to figure out a microphone, but I hope it was a little bit of magic for the kiddos and the parents watching. The morning was rough to start with. There is SO much to do. So much to fluff. Helium Tank was a bust, but luckily Ashley was able to come in early and help take over things so I could stay focused on the important things and still get the boys home.
My favorite thing was when the parents were all gone and we gave out the awards for the staff. They are my focus. I need to remember that. If I take care of them they will take care of the parents. I have to trust that because there are too many people to take care of but if we divide it up - it's manageable.
I personally treated everyone to a Fiiz. I hope it helps them know how much I appreciate them and what they do.
I have missed writing. It is my outlet. I know I sleep better when I write it all out of my brain. I've been dreaming of performances. I've been nervous about them. Instead of celebrating what is good I always worry about making it better. I need to see the magic and not worry so much about having the perfect results. I really do want to enjoy these moments. I hope I can get better about it.
My body is tensing up in prep for summer which makes me nervous as well. Summer is it's own beast. Its so intense and packed full of constant newness it's hard to feel like there is ever a handle on it.
This job requires me to live so far ahead in my mind that sometimes I loose the ability to live in the now. For instance summer is just 2 weeks away but I am already working in my head the need to get summer schedule set and start working on the Christmas show. Crazy huh!
I think having something to look forward to will help me with this. I really wanted to have something to look forward to the end of this month but looks like David Grey on the 18th will have to do. I need to do better about having things just for me to look forward to instead of for DJ and I. Right now we might both be excited about the thought of no more projects as he is currently working on getting the tile grout finished.
One other thing I learned today is that after something like tonight I need to make time to just chill. DJ grabbed me and went to peach city and that was the worst thing I could think of. I made it through and he could tell that wasn't what was good for me and we will both do better.
Tomorrow Hazel does the pentathlon at the Intermediate school and she is so excited. DJ is going to take her in Greenie and do his best to watch for a minute. I'll do my best to see her at the awards portion and then onto a night of magic with gymnastics.
My favorite thing was when the parents were all gone and we gave out the awards for the staff. They are my focus. I need to remember that. If I take care of them they will take care of the parents. I have to trust that because there are too many people to take care of but if we divide it up - it's manageable.
I personally treated everyone to a Fiiz. I hope it helps them know how much I appreciate them and what they do.
I have missed writing. It is my outlet. I know I sleep better when I write it all out of my brain. I've been dreaming of performances. I've been nervous about them. Instead of celebrating what is good I always worry about making it better. I need to see the magic and not worry so much about having the perfect results. I really do want to enjoy these moments. I hope I can get better about it.
My body is tensing up in prep for summer which makes me nervous as well. Summer is it's own beast. Its so intense and packed full of constant newness it's hard to feel like there is ever a handle on it.
This job requires me to live so far ahead in my mind that sometimes I loose the ability to live in the now. For instance summer is just 2 weeks away but I am already working in my head the need to get summer schedule set and start working on the Christmas show. Crazy huh!
I think having something to look forward to will help me with this. I really wanted to have something to look forward to the end of this month but looks like David Grey on the 18th will have to do. I need to do better about having things just for me to look forward to instead of for DJ and I. Right now we might both be excited about the thought of no more projects as he is currently working on getting the tile grout finished.
One other thing I learned today is that after something like tonight I need to make time to just chill. DJ grabbed me and went to peach city and that was the worst thing I could think of. I made it through and he could tell that wasn't what was good for me and we will both do better.
Tomorrow Hazel does the pentathlon at the Intermediate school and she is so excited. DJ is going to take her in Greenie and do his best to watch for a minute. I'll do my best to see her at the awards portion and then onto a night of magic with gymnastics.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
I Ask Too Much
I apparently ask too much. Tonight I asked the kids to finish putting their clothes from the basket to their drawers. I realize that it is hard to do. That it is hard to do at 9:30 at night but not my choice that they left it to the last minute. I too truly wish that is not what we are doing tonight at 9:30 but it does need to be done.
Just today I picked up from preschool. Dropped off for silk. Went to community council. Went to watch Poppy do her silk routine. Took Poppy to dance. Came home and made dinner. Played with the boys. Moved the sprinkler. Even took time to snuggle Poppy once she came home from dance. My problem with this picture is that after all of that - simply asking the kids to cleanup is too much to ask.
I could tell Poppy was upset after I told her I could not wash her leos everytime she wears them. I took out her hair. I brushed it out and braided while DJ watched the routine I filmed and all I got was a grumpy/sad girl climbing into bed and hiding her head under her blankets.
It is so disheartening to send her to bed upset. I swear all I do lately is upset her. She is hardly ever happy anymore and I have no idea how to fix it. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells with these girls and it is exhausting. I constantly feel like I am a failure as a parent.
I am wondering if it is worth asking them to do anything knowing the results it may heed. I am not sure if that is the route or not, but seriously considering its merits at this point. I can't tell what is wetter for my mental health - the mess or feeling like they are always mad at me. I guess only time will tell.
Just today I picked up from preschool. Dropped off for silk. Went to community council. Went to watch Poppy do her silk routine. Took Poppy to dance. Came home and made dinner. Played with the boys. Moved the sprinkler. Even took time to snuggle Poppy once she came home from dance. My problem with this picture is that after all of that - simply asking the kids to cleanup is too much to ask.
I could tell Poppy was upset after I told her I could not wash her leos everytime she wears them. I took out her hair. I brushed it out and braided while DJ watched the routine I filmed and all I got was a grumpy/sad girl climbing into bed and hiding her head under her blankets.
It is so disheartening to send her to bed upset. I swear all I do lately is upset her. She is hardly ever happy anymore and I have no idea how to fix it. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells with these girls and it is exhausting. I constantly feel like I am a failure as a parent.
I am wondering if it is worth asking them to do anything knowing the results it may heed. I am not sure if that is the route or not, but seriously considering its merits at this point. I can't tell what is wetter for my mental health - the mess or feeling like they are always mad at me. I guess only time will tell.
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
My Eye is Twitching
So I have a tell of too much stress... my right eye starts to twitch and the right side of my face aches from the bells palsy. It started last Wednesday and it has increasingly gotten worse. Now it's into my jaw joint as well.
I know these are signs of too much stress. The ache only comes after a prolonged period of stress. The problem is that this is happening more than I would like. I keep thinking that it will get better in years once I have things more figured out at work, but then I wonder if that will really happen. Here was my day.
6:50 - Wake up and do 25 min workout (3rd week of min 3x a week! Look at me go!)
7:30 - Start doing all the hair of the girls, bath. get dressed. get ready. get boys ready
8:00 - Poppy to school
8:15 - start picking up kids to take to school
8:30 - Go to work
9:45 - 6 month review for Jude up to 3
10:30 - Back to work
12:45 - Home and make lunch
1:00 - Jude OT visit
1:50 - Sell Poppy's old bike, Poppy Home
2:15 - Get boys down for naps
2:35 - Pick up kids from school
3:15 - Head back to work
4:00 - Pick Poppy up from Activity Days
4:15 - Get girls to piano
4:30 - back to work
5:00 - Grab boys
5:15 - Pick up girls from piano
5:30 - Grocery shopping
6:00 - Come home start figuring out dinner put food away
6:15 - Take Hazel to ballet
6:30 - Start smashing refried beans, wash Poppy's hair
6:45 - Drop watch on tile and shatter screen
7:00 - Feed kids, look online to see if I can replace the screen
7:20 - Go get Hazel
7:40 - Make 6 layer dip for Poppy
8:00 - Clean up dinner
8:30 - Scriptures
8:45 - Work on Avery Foundation refugee drive, design car wash poster, make TNT party invite
9:30 - Keep cleaning up the kitchen eat dip
10;00- work on weekend getaway plans
10:30 - DJ breaks table leg and begins fixing it - I go up to bed.
This is just the big stuff. It's not all the bathroom breaks. Laundry. Reminders. work done. Emails answered or texts read and sent. I got 45 texts before 10:30 this morning.
Lets hope that this weekend helps my eye rest up a bit.
I know these are signs of too much stress. The ache only comes after a prolonged period of stress. The problem is that this is happening more than I would like. I keep thinking that it will get better in years once I have things more figured out at work, but then I wonder if that will really happen. Here was my day.
6:50 - Wake up and do 25 min workout (3rd week of min 3x a week! Look at me go!)
7:30 - Start doing all the hair of the girls, bath. get dressed. get ready. get boys ready
8:00 - Poppy to school
8:15 - start picking up kids to take to school
8:30 - Go to work
9:45 - 6 month review for Jude up to 3
10:30 - Back to work
12:45 - Home and make lunch
1:00 - Jude OT visit
1:50 - Sell Poppy's old bike, Poppy Home
2:15 - Get boys down for naps
2:35 - Pick up kids from school
3:15 - Head back to work
4:00 - Pick Poppy up from Activity Days
4:15 - Get girls to piano
4:30 - back to work
5:00 - Grab boys
5:15 - Pick up girls from piano
5:30 - Grocery shopping
6:00 - Come home start figuring out dinner put food away
6:15 - Take Hazel to ballet
6:30 - Start smashing refried beans, wash Poppy's hair
6:45 - Drop watch on tile and shatter screen
7:00 - Feed kids, look online to see if I can replace the screen
7:20 - Go get Hazel
7:40 - Make 6 layer dip for Poppy
8:00 - Clean up dinner
8:30 - Scriptures
8:45 - Work on Avery Foundation refugee drive, design car wash poster, make TNT party invite
9:30 - Keep cleaning up the kitchen eat dip
10;00- work on weekend getaway plans
10:30 - DJ breaks table leg and begins fixing it - I go up to bed.
This is just the big stuff. It's not all the bathroom breaks. Laundry. Reminders. work done. Emails answered or texts read and sent. I got 45 texts before 10:30 this morning.
Lets hope that this weekend helps my eye rest up a bit.
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Live what you preach
Today was so interesting. Sometimes you are faced with the same situations you have preached about but this time you need to take your own advice. It is surreal to be in a moment when you are genuinely trying to help and in that moment you realize you also need that same advice and need to implement it in your own situations.
Today Kelly was struggling and I needed her to feel that word ENOUGH. The word I wear everyday. The Word I gave to Kylie in September. As it has been such a crazy few months that word is what I needed today. I did enough. It is never complete but hot dogs and chili is enough. 3 pair of clean and dry underwear for Jude is enough. Working out for 25 mins this morning is enough. I can't and don't need to do it all - doing enough is just that.
I now look at thing and try and feel when it's enough - not perfect - but enough. I hold onto that word, especially with the kids. Did I love them enough. Did I do enough with them? Do they know they are enough? Everyday I do my best and that is enough.
How great is it when you already have the answers you need - IF you will just listen to yourself. I am discovering more and more that I need to do this. I need to have confidence that I do have the answers and that my enough is enough no matter what others think or feel. I am only responsible to myself.
I also think that by allowing myself this grace it will allow me to expect less from others and extend this grace to them as well. They are doing their enough and I have to abide by that. I cannot make them do more. I can try and inspire excellence, but they can only rise to their own expectations of themself and that has nothing to do with me so it is not a failure for either party.
How great it that to realize. When we help ourselves we in turn are really helping others and that cycle can go on and on. This is why we need to heal, and feed our own souls so we can in turn be whole enough to heal others. xx
Today Kelly was struggling and I needed her to feel that word ENOUGH. The word I wear everyday. The Word I gave to Kylie in September. As it has been such a crazy few months that word is what I needed today. I did enough. It is never complete but hot dogs and chili is enough. 3 pair of clean and dry underwear for Jude is enough. Working out for 25 mins this morning is enough. I can't and don't need to do it all - doing enough is just that.
I now look at thing and try and feel when it's enough - not perfect - but enough. I hold onto that word, especially with the kids. Did I love them enough. Did I do enough with them? Do they know they are enough? Everyday I do my best and that is enough.
How great is it when you already have the answers you need - IF you will just listen to yourself. I am discovering more and more that I need to do this. I need to have confidence that I do have the answers and that my enough is enough no matter what others think or feel. I am only responsible to myself.
I also think that by allowing myself this grace it will allow me to expect less from others and extend this grace to them as well. They are doing their enough and I have to abide by that. I cannot make them do more. I can try and inspire excellence, but they can only rise to their own expectations of themself and that has nothing to do with me so it is not a failure for either party.
How great it that to realize. When we help ourselves we in turn are really helping others and that cycle can go on and on. This is why we need to heal, and feed our own souls so we can in turn be whole enough to heal others. xx
Monday, May 6, 2019
Things We Pride Ourselves On
I am laying bed. It's 9:44 pm and all I can think about is how the mighty have fallen. There have been many years when 9:44 is time to get moving and grooving and to start getting stuff done. Now however it is when I am the most sleepy. It is when I feel the most drained. I have been known as the one who is always up late and functions on little sleep, but that is no longer the case.
The weird thing about this is that I somehow feel like I'm letting people down by no longer able to stay awake and needing more sleep. How dumb is that. Yes I'm human, sorry to disappoint. Guess what thought - pretty sure nobody cares what time I go to sleep or what time I wake up. Betcha no one knows that I feel this is part of who I am.
This leads me to wonder about the things we PRIDE ourselves on. Reading in the scriptures tonight about Pride and how a famine had to come to get them back on track and even after that they ended up right back where they were - in sin and pride.
There are so many things I pride myself in. My fear is that they have created a false sense of who I am. They are these rules I make myself live by whether they are applicable or authentic to the life I am living right now. They are in a sense limiting who I am because by living within their bounds I am limiting my own self to continue to fit there.
Here Are a few I am beginning to question:
1. I don't need help.
-This is a biggie. I don't even like asking for help. I want to be totally self sufficient but I simply cannot anymore. Just tonight I could not figure out what to eat. It was 6:30 and seriously no idea what to eat and no idea how to get enough energy to make it.
I am seriously considering finding help with a nanny, cleaning, and if possible meals. I can't work the way I do and keep doing all I do here at home. I also cannot expect my kids to do it all. They are just as busy as I am and if I'm not here to oversee I can't be upset when things don't happen the way I want.
2. I care about what others think.
-As per Rachel Hollis - Other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I really want to never think about other's opinions again. My mind goes so far as to that my kids represent me and that I somehow have control over them As if! I really think that this comes from always thinking of others. This was bred within me and now as a mother it is an event deeper trench I'm in. I have got to start thinking of myself as well. I feel that this is a huge problem for me. It has been so long that I don't even know what I think anymore. If all I'm thinking about is others there is no room for myself.
3. I'm not one of those girls
What are those girls - hard to define, but needy, selfish, into myself, and girlie. One of the group. By claiming not to belong it leaves me very lonely and unattached. It really is not fun always being on the outside. After being out there so long it's hard to remember how to join in when the desire comes. I can be one of them and still be myself. I don't have to change. I can simply join in and be myself.
4. I am a martyr
This is the dumbest one yet. Why does anyone want this title? What and who does it serve. Really no one. I get so man as I compare my life with DJ's situation. I get so grumpy when I think of all I do for my kids, but guess who is in charge of all those choices - me. I refuse to be anyone's victim, but I victimize myself which makes no sense. I am giving my power away willingly. No one is going to take care of me because no one knows what I need except myself. I am in charge of my own happiness
5. I need to be busy
This is so hard for me. There literally is always something to do and it is hard to not always be doing because even if I kept doing all the time it still would not ever be done. Right now I am not out running because I am resting. I am tired physically and mentally. I am trying to get things out of my head so I can truly rest. I did do a workout this morning and that will have to do. It's ok to do nothing. It's how I can keep going.
The weird thing about this is that I somehow feel like I'm letting people down by no longer able to stay awake and needing more sleep. How dumb is that. Yes I'm human, sorry to disappoint. Guess what thought - pretty sure nobody cares what time I go to sleep or what time I wake up. Betcha no one knows that I feel this is part of who I am.
This leads me to wonder about the things we PRIDE ourselves on. Reading in the scriptures tonight about Pride and how a famine had to come to get them back on track and even after that they ended up right back where they were - in sin and pride.
There are so many things I pride myself in. My fear is that they have created a false sense of who I am. They are these rules I make myself live by whether they are applicable or authentic to the life I am living right now. They are in a sense limiting who I am because by living within their bounds I am limiting my own self to continue to fit there.
Here Are a few I am beginning to question:
1. I don't need help.
-This is a biggie. I don't even like asking for help. I want to be totally self sufficient but I simply cannot anymore. Just tonight I could not figure out what to eat. It was 6:30 and seriously no idea what to eat and no idea how to get enough energy to make it.
I am seriously considering finding help with a nanny, cleaning, and if possible meals. I can't work the way I do and keep doing all I do here at home. I also cannot expect my kids to do it all. They are just as busy as I am and if I'm not here to oversee I can't be upset when things don't happen the way I want.
2. I care about what others think.
-As per Rachel Hollis - Other people's opinion of me is none of my business. I really want to never think about other's opinions again. My mind goes so far as to that my kids represent me and that I somehow have control over them As if! I really think that this comes from always thinking of others. This was bred within me and now as a mother it is an event deeper trench I'm in. I have got to start thinking of myself as well. I feel that this is a huge problem for me. It has been so long that I don't even know what I think anymore. If all I'm thinking about is others there is no room for myself.
3. I'm not one of those girls
What are those girls - hard to define, but needy, selfish, into myself, and girlie. One of the group. By claiming not to belong it leaves me very lonely and unattached. It really is not fun always being on the outside. After being out there so long it's hard to remember how to join in when the desire comes. I can be one of them and still be myself. I don't have to change. I can simply join in and be myself.
4. I am a martyr
This is the dumbest one yet. Why does anyone want this title? What and who does it serve. Really no one. I get so man as I compare my life with DJ's situation. I get so grumpy when I think of all I do for my kids, but guess who is in charge of all those choices - me. I refuse to be anyone's victim, but I victimize myself which makes no sense. I am giving my power away willingly. No one is going to take care of me because no one knows what I need except myself. I am in charge of my own happiness
5. I need to be busy
This is so hard for me. There literally is always something to do and it is hard to not always be doing because even if I kept doing all the time it still would not ever be done. Right now I am not out running because I am resting. I am tired physically and mentally. I am trying to get things out of my head so I can truly rest. I did do a workout this morning and that will have to do. It's ok to do nothing. It's how I can keep going.
Monday, April 8, 2019
Bounce
I've been working with Alison on Demand for work for the last couple months and last week it asked us to measure our bounce back and to try and improve upon it.
Today I BOUNCED....Monday back from spring break - you know where I'm heading. Long day. Still getting texts from unhappy team parents from work. Unhappy worker with a limited view and I had to talk myself into go run today. Got in workout clothes (which is the worst) and I go out and my kids crap is all over the treadmill. I just stared at it then decided to leave it so they can learn to pickup and I go over to my bike. It has all my husbands canyoneering crap on it from his last trip. Get it off sit down and GUESS WHAT...... The darling devils have adjusted my seat height and placement 🤬. Another week I would have said screw it and stomped back in to eat my cadbury eggs and watch netflix, but all I could think was BOUNCE. I adjusted it back (damn knob came out and everything 🤦♀️) and biked and lifted arm weights for 15 mins to work out of myself. I did it. I wasn't what I planned. Looked totally different than I imagined at 7am this morning. It wasn't nearly long enough, but it was enough and I did it IN SPITE of all the messes around me.
Better yet... I'm taking some time to type out my feelings. Man work is hard right now. DarLa is hard for me right now. I might need to call on Karlee to help me walk through it - it's that bad. I am trying not to feed into it but it is hard when I think she is being ridiculous. That of course is not helping me deal with it better either.c
I need to feed my soul in the morning. It is a must. I have to get up and do it. I LOVE it when I do. I HATE getting out of bed to do it, but I am struggling and I know this is the answer. I need to start the day taking care of myself before I start taking care of others.
I am going to ask for a blessing to help me with this. I truly need heavenly father's help to make this happen. He can help me make the little desire bigger and grow it into a good habit. I can bounce with this as well.
Monday, February 11, 2019
10/10/1 - I'm freaking 38
So I'm not as far off as I thought I was! Just 3 months and let's be honest - just happy to survive those crazy months.
Here is what I have learned just today - I don't need to feel bad about not getting up in the morning. I really do want to do it - but not bad enough to go to bed so for now here is how it will work. I run and then I come in and instead of winding down in bed going through the KSL or endless apps of stuff I will not buy I can come and do my daily reflection. Get it all out and do it on my time - when I feel good and energized. Still going to try and get up to meditate and scripture study, but I feel best exercising at night when at all possible and I'm not going to feel bad about that any more.
Something else - I have put away (hid) my scale. It is literally driving me crazy and I know it is under the shower curtain in my closet, but I have not brought it out for 4 days. Even over the weekend - I did it. I am more than a number! I am giving away all this guilt, and not enough-ness and I don't need to find it ever again.
I'm starting this year off RISING to the top of my game and letting go an giving away all that I am not because I simply don't want to be it. Amanda Dixon said "you don't have a habit you don't want." So I have given up on a soda a day I am not going to get up to work out at 5am. I don't need to be everywhere exactly on time. My best is good enough. Now to find the balance to continue becoming.
Rachel Hollis has the 10/10/1 plan for the start today journal. I challenged my masterminders to do it. I am trying it myself. Here goes.
Here is what I have learned just today - I don't need to feel bad about not getting up in the morning. I really do want to do it - but not bad enough to go to bed so for now here is how it will work. I run and then I come in and instead of winding down in bed going through the KSL or endless apps of stuff I will not buy I can come and do my daily reflection. Get it all out and do it on my time - when I feel good and energized. Still going to try and get up to meditate and scripture study, but I feel best exercising at night when at all possible and I'm not going to feel bad about that any more.
Something else - I have put away (hid) my scale. It is literally driving me crazy and I know it is under the shower curtain in my closet, but I have not brought it out for 4 days. Even over the weekend - I did it. I am more than a number! I am giving away all this guilt, and not enough-ness and I don't need to find it ever again.
I'm starting this year off RISING to the top of my game and letting go an giving away all that I am not because I simply don't want to be it. Amanda Dixon said "you don't have a habit you don't want." So I have given up on a soda a day I am not going to get up to work out at 5am. I don't need to be everywhere exactly on time. My best is good enough. Now to find the balance to continue becoming.
Rachel Hollis has the 10/10/1 plan for the start today journal. I challenged my masterminders to do it. I am trying it myself. Here goes.
- I am featured in the SUU Alumni Magazine as an Alumni Spotlight
- I am a highly sought after and compensated motivational business and personal speaker
- I am a go to example of realistic and down to earth parenting. Spending quality time with each child each day - making them feel fully loved every day.
- I am genuinely interested and continually passionate in my relationship with DJ
- I spend 2 hours on myself everyday building my mind, body, and spirit. I have built muscle, a reading mind, and an enlightened spirit.
- I own a set of highly profitable and full storage units that cover our monthly house and unit mortgage
- I have a family boat, motorcycle, and moped
- I have a beautiful house that I love to be in and it is complete, together, and enough. It takes not more of my time an energy
- I an active, elected member of the local school board
- I have a used passport that I use to travel to dream destinations from my books at a minimum of 1x a year
I feel this is so important at the stage my kids are at. They need to be filled up with my love every day. They need it and they need my presence when I'm around. I'm doing ok, but I need to do better. Problems can be solved another day but if I don't fully fill/fund them they are going out in the world with a deficit. Take of my teacher hat an just love the dickens out of them. I am a realist and in this it is not a bad thing.
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